Why Tales of Eternia Is The Best RPG Ever And You Suck If You Disagree.

Okay, I’m going to prove, now, in this thread, why Tales of Eternia is the best RPG on any console ever, using awesome logic and skill that’ll throw you out of your chairs with it’s pure awesomeness.

Firstly, ToE is played by NINJAS, because ToE has a KATANA in it. KATANAS are used by NINJAS. So ToE is played by them.

Secondly, ToE is also played by PIRATES, because one of the characters is a PIRATE, and PIRATES love games with other PIRATES in them.

Thirdly (as if you needed anymore reasons than Ninjas and Pirates), the combat system is the BEST. EVER. You can jump up and spin around with your sword at enemies about a bajillion times and then land on your face and throw shockwaves of super-matter at them AFTER having turned into a fucking PHOENIX and flew through them on FIRE, and then you can summon NAKED WATER-CHICKS to STAB THEM IN THE FUCKING FACE with TRIDENTS. It’s like CRACK, only in 32-BIT FORM.

Fourthly, you can cook in IRON CHEF. That’s right, ToE has an IRON CHEF tournament. Does Star Ocean III have Iron Chef? Does it HELL.

Fifthly, it has LENNETH VALKYRIE, and she’s just goddamn awesome, even if she’s a potentially copyright-infringing clone. THREE extra AWESOME POINTS to ToE for having LENNETH in it.

Sixthly, it has CLESS ALVEIN and ARCHE in it. And you get to BEAT THEM UP. What did FFIX have as an uberboss? A giant floating bouncy-ball? WEAK. You didn’t get to beat up Cloud Strife and Tifa in FFVIII, did you? DID YOU? NO!

Seventhly, it has MAX, and MAX has a BAZOOKA. That SHOOTS LASERS. And LASER BAZOOKAS > YOU ALL.

Eighthly, it has GRAPHIC NUDITY.

Ninthly, Eighthly was a BLATENT LIE, but it doesn’t matter since ToE is SO AWESOME it doesn’t even NEED nudity. It’s that damn good. ToE could have been directed by Steven Spielberg AND Quentin Tarantino. At the SAME TIME.

Tenthly, it has EXPLOSIONS, and I mean EXPLOSIONS with a capital EVERYTHING. We’re talking so much damage here you can’t see the SCREEN for all the HUGE NUMBERS flying out of the bad guy’s SKULLS. This happens approximately ONCE per SECOND.

There. That’s why Tales of Eternia rocks, and you should all play it now. Don’t even try to argue with me, because you’ll be wrong and everyone will laugh at you. I mean it. They’ll all laugh, man. If you disagree you’re obviously either lame and/or tragically ToE-deprived. To cure the affliction of Disagreeing With Me I prescribe a 24-hour diet of ToE for three whole days. No sleep or food. You won’t need it, since ToE provides 100% of your daily Awesome, which is better than lousy C-Vitamens anyway.

<insert lame argument disproving all your reasoning>

Points 3 and 5 are particularly good. I mean, how can you argue with that? YOU CAN’T!

How can you cast C-Vitamins aside to easily. You are mad, MAD I tell you. You are drunk with power. ToE has done something to you…somthing evil…

Ninja don’t use Katana. Sure they CAN use them but it’s not a part of their basic arsenal. YOU FAIL!

Why yes, I do suck- thank you! =D


24 hours a day for three days would be 72 hours straight. ToE has thrown your mathematices skillz right out of the window. I hope it was worth it Pier because now you’ve FUCKED UP YUOR LIFE FOREVER!

Anyway, yeah, I should buy it when I get teh currenceh.

I heartily endorse Pierson’s fanatic rant.


what is the title of the US release? I remember that it is not Tales of Eternia over here…

I whole-heartedly agree with this statement and back it up a hundred percent.

  1. For the 1000000000000000000000000000000000000th time, Ninjas don’t just use Katanas. Ninjas JUST kill you. No ninja is needed to play ToE.

  2. Pirates fucking suck. They just shoot cannon balls at stuff all day, and they think that evil is more like a claw than a foot. Fuck Pirates.

  3. Everything you said in this point except for the first and last sentence is true. That kinda shit is what makes the combat system very button-mashy and easy. You can do like, neverending combos with Farah, and it takes maybe an hour practice, tops. I thought that Tales of Destiny was pretty easy, until I played this game. :stuck_out_tongue:

  4. This is actually kinda cool. But it’s more cool just that fact that you do cook. The Mystery Chef was a redeeming quality of this game because of just how totally stupid and funny he was. Also, you could cook Dark Pot which just made me laugh, and if you fucked up making a Sandwich, you got a VOLT SHARD. How do you crystalize bread, lettuce and tomato, nevermind giving it ELECTRIC PROPERTIES? :stuck_out_tongue: Cooking is a fun aspect of ToE for all the wrong reasons. :stuck_out_tongue:

  5. I don’t know anything about this, but if it’s from another Tri-Ace game, here’s me saying it’s not that cool, because I’ve still never played a game by Tri-Ace that was any good. :stuck_out_tongue:

  6. The minigames of ToE were stupid, including the arena. :stuck_out_tongue: The Arena was just fighting, which is bull-oney anyways. The only good one was Craymel Ball, and just like cooking, it was probly for all the wrong reasons. The hectic music, combined with the huge balls smothering your opponent, just makes Craymel Ball a Rofl Sport.

  7. Max is a pirate. Bleh at Max.

  8. This is a lie.

  9. This is a HUGE lie. :stuck_out_tongue:

  10. I don’t even remember if this is true, but it sure is stupid. :stuck_out_tongue:

Nice try, but here are the only things that are actually cool about ToE:

  1. Craymel Ball

  2. The Mystery Chef, and Cooking

  3. Making fun of Keele, because he’s an idiot.

  4. The two-player function, which makes it bearable to play through the game, cos the story is so godawful that if you don’t have someone to make fun of it with, you’ll probably just quit playing. :stuck_out_tongue:

  5. They had a Phantom of the Opera knockoff, which is kinda cool. :stuck_out_tongue:

Unfortunately, none of these are a huge aspect of the gameplay. Don’t ever ever ever ever buy ToE.

SG, although he really didn’t want to, just parried and supered your argument Pier.

Whatever else you posted is irrelevant, because this obviously destroys any credibility you have, and any credibility you might ever have.

Hypothesis: ToE rocks

Given: Magic Rocks

Magic Rocks
ToE contains Magic
Magic is therefore an element of ToE
ToE may represent Magic in its entirety, but not vice versa
ToE is interchangable with Magic
Magic Rocks
ToE Rocks

Conclusion: ToE Rocks

Cless Wins.

By the way, Tales of Eternia is called Tales of Destiny II in North America.

I don’t see you praising Uncharted Waters, which is a game that contains more pirates than ToE ever will.

Especially with the upcoming Uncharted Waters online…yum, piratey goodness.

You forgot the second theorem of Magic, Cless.

#1: If it is Magic, then it Rocks.
#2: If it contains magic, then it does not necesarily Rock.

ToE contains Magic.
ToE is inequal to Magic.
ToE does not necesarily rock.

Now, given the other points I made, it’s a safe conclusion to say that ToE does not rock.

Just because I like something doesn’t mean I make threads praising it. Find me a post where I talk about UW being bad.