What's Gonna Happen Next

Here’s another lyrical poem. This one’s more of a story:

What’s Gonna Happen Next
I saw a girl every day
Tilting her head back
Looking a little to the side
I never knew if she saw me
But one time when I glanced at her
I saw her glancing at me

What’s gonna happen next?
Something’s on your mind
I’m trying to see it
But oh, I’m all too blind
I just never know
What’s gonna happen next

I met a girl yesterday
Tilting her head back
Looking a little to the side
She was looking me in the eye
She said something and smiled
Gestured with an open hand

What’s gonna happen next?
Something’s on your mind
I’m trying to see it
But oh, I’m all too blind
I just never know
What’s gonna happen next

She’s gonna be there tomorrow
Tilting her head back
Looking a little to the side
Ever since I saw her
It’s been on my mind
I’m trying to show it

What’s gonna happen next?
Something’s on your mind
I’m trying to see it
But oh, I’m all too blind
I just never know
What’s gonna happen next

I’m trying to see it
But oh, I’m all too blind
I’m trying to show it
What’s gonna happen next?

It’s interesting, but I liked the other one much better. There’s almost too much repetition in this one. Half of it is repetition of lines already used, actually. I know a lot of songs are like that, but I don’t like it there either.

It is kinda neat how the ‘love from afar’, progresses to a ‘first meeting’, to a ‘routine/regular meeting’ with the constants such as her habit of tilting her head back connecting each verse. If it weren’t for the fact that half the poem was really one verse turned into the chorus, it would be an interesting connecting piece. Unfortunately, it just seemed to add to the dilution of the material.

Sorry this isn’t very positive. I guess this one just wasn’t for me. I look forward to seeing the next one!

Yeah. . .it’s a silly poem. I had a good idea at the start, but I tried to force it in the wrong direction. I’ll try to do better next time :).

Yeah, the individual verses were quite neat. And the three verses and how they connected were interesting, and the repetition there wasn’t so bad. It actually added a sense of connected-ness. But because of the constant repetition of the ‘chorus’ it just made the entire thing seem diluted. I look forward to seeing the revised version!

(Sorry again if I came off as harsh here…)

You’re definitely not being harsh. There are a lot of flaws. I feel most like I wasn’t being genuine when I wrote it, like I was writing just for effect.

Edit: I change my mind, I do like this. I forgot why for awhile, but I do.