What kind of rock does your favorite band play?

I didn’t come up with it all. I found the ‘what would each rock star do’ in the internet posted in some blogs. What I did was adding comments, some heavy editing, and the translation to English.


In order to understand the different brands of metal and rock, let us imagine a situation and the way it would develop within an aproach of each branch of those groups.

Once upon a time, the young heiress of a kingdom was locked up on the highest floor of a castle tower[1]. This beautiful maiden, fairest of the fair[2], was guarded by a great dragon, as powerful as terrible indeed[3]. In her crystal solitude, her highness silently weept for the emptiness of her life, though she had never abandoned hope that one day a knight in a shiny armor and riding a white stallion[4] would come and rescue her, and pheraps love would developed and he would fill the void at her heart[5].

H’story sciences hold that whenever these circumstances gather, a knight always comes to the rescue of a princess. Quantum Alchemy has it that things don’t just happen once, they happen many times - and each time in a different way. You combine the two…

An adventurer is indeed coming to her rescue. It is just that, actually, he… or rather, they, are just not what she had expected.

MELODIC METAL
This is the default[6] version on which all other are built upon.

Our protagonist arrives at the castle riding a white stallion, escapes from the dragon clutches and saves the princess. They run away and make love[7].

TRASH METAL

Our warrior arrives at the castle on foot and running. He defeats the dragon in a fair argument involving lots of ‘longsword’ and ‘claw + claw + bite’. He kills the dragon, spreads the pieces all around, and bathed in the beast’s blood, has sex with the princess.

HEAVY METAL

The hero arrives at the castle on a Harley Davidson, slays the dragon, quaffs a few beer bottles and then has bed-battering sex with the princess.

FOLK METAL

The adventurer arrives at the castle with his group, which consists of elves, satyres, pixies, sprites and the ocasional fairy[8]. They play the celtic harp, crumhorn, psaltery and their other medieval variations. They play a very weird repertorium which makes the dragon fall asleep. Then the party leaves to the forest, without the princess. Who nees the princess, the forest is full of nymphs…

VIKING (EPIC) METAL

The hero now has a norse look (think of a roleplaying game dwarf with acute gigantism). He arrives in a drakkar, kills the dragon with an axe/hammer, roasts the meat and eats it. He then rapes the princess and leaves with all the treasure he can carry, not forgetting to set the castle in fire before departing.

DEATH METAL

The herro arrives, kills the dragon, has sex with the princess, kill the princess and leaves.

BLACK METAL
This is the first variation of Death Metal.

The hero arrives before sunrise, hidden in the fog. He slays the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. He sodomizes the princess, wounds her with a knife and then drinks all her blood untill she dies.

And then he finds out she was not a virgin and impales her in front of the castle, by the side of the dragon.

GORE
Another variation of Death Metal.

The hero arrives, kills the dragon. Goes up the tower, has sex with the princess, then kills her. Then he has sex with her again. Then he sets the body in fire. Then he has sex with her again.

SPLATTER
Last variation, I swear.

He arrives, kills the dragon, and opens the body with a surgical knife. He sodomizes the princess with the

dragon’s guts. Then he opens holes in her body with that knife. then he rapes those roles. Then he gets her eyeballs out of their sockets. Then he rapes those sockets. He finally makes an authopsy of everything, takes pictures, and releases an album with one of the pictures as the cover.

DOOM METAL

When the hero arrives and sees how the dragon is so more powerful than him[9], he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon devours the hero and the princess.

WHITE METAL

The hero arrives at the castle and exorcises the beast. He also converts the hitherto sinner, whore princess to his religion, and uses the castle as the new headquarters of his church.

NEW METAL

the adventurer arrives at the castle with a bullying attitude, yelling about how he’s gonna kick someone’s ass, and ready for a good fight. He thinks he can take the dragon, but is beaten to a pulp by the lizzard. He runs away and finds the princess. He tells her about his sad childhood. The princess punches the adventurer in the face and leaves seeking for the Heavy Metal protagonist. The New Metal protagonist takes some Prozac and records an album with “The Best Of” in the name.

CLASSIC ROCK N’ ROLL

The hero arrives on a motorcycle. He is having LSD, offers some to the dragon. The lizzard accpets and they quickly become friends. Later on the hero goes camping with the princess somewhere in the castle garden. After a lot of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll, the hero has an overdose and dies suffocated by hiw own vomit.

PUNK ROCK

The hero arrives, picks a stone from the ground, throws at the dragon and quickly runs for it. He spray-paints a big A (for Anarchy) on the castle’s wall. He meets the princess and gives her a mohican haircut with some unnatural color dye, and assembles a newstand in the castle hall where he sells fanzines.

GRUNGE

The hero dies of overdose before arriving at the castle.

PROGRESSIVE

The hero arrives and plays a guitar solo lasting 26 minutes. Before the end the dragon’s already gone mad and suicided. Then the hero meets the princess and plays another solo, with all the techniques of atonalism and composite ternary compasses he learned in the last year of his conservatory. The princess can’t stand it - she runs away, seeking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.

HARD ROCK:

The adventurer arrives in a red convertible, with two blonde women who would have a lot of trouble standing up without falling forwards[10]. He’s also drinking some Jack Daniel’s.

He kills the dragon with a knife, and does an orgy with the blondes and the princess.

GLAM ROCK

When the hero arrives at the castle, the dragon laughs his head off. It laughs so hard that the hero has no trouble walking his way to the tower.

In the castle, the hero steals the princess’s hair dresser and lipstick. When she catches him in the act, he starts talking…

Mainstream ending) …and manages to convince the princess to dye her hair pink and do other asorted beauty tunings.
Alternative ending) …but the princess doesn’t give a damm. She rethinks her life, cursing her fate, and runs away, seeking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.


[1] And when one wonders why monarchs everywhere used to impose such cruel captivity on their own daughters, it should be explained that in medieval times, honour was the most important thing one could have. It also ran among the families of the noble that the honour of a family was kept by their ladies.

It is not appropriate to speak here about the means of storage of honour, though it doesn’t take a long thought to deduce its transference involved a honeymoon.

Otherwise it was theft, and the family had to get it back. And that’s why many a Don Juan had to “pay with their blood” for it, the fuckers.

[2] In h’story books. It is wll known that a) h’stories are written by people, who are not the most accurate sources of infomation, b) just like movies, they are written to entertain, not to say true things and c) ‘feminine products’ back then did not include anything cosmetical. No shave, no lotions for the skin, no makeup, no painted nails, no perfume, etc.

c) is also why men spent more time hunting/adventuring/getting drunk in taverns in the past than nowadays too.

That said, the princess had oily hair, and was a bit overweight too.

[3] It was not much powerful nor terrible. Granted, komodos have a nasty bite that can give an incautious fool an infection. But that’s still less dangerous than a cheetah.

Had the king hired one of those mythological dragons from the far east, then the horny adventurer who wished to frollic with the princess would be in real trouble. Those lizzards have got mad Kung Fu skills.

[4] Or just the regular weight-pulling horse. Or a mule. Or even a poney. Hell, whatever got the job done.

[5] You were having dirty thoughts before you read ‘heart’, weren’t you?

[6] The author intened to go like ‘This is the boring…’, but since this is h’story, it has to sound like h’story.

[7] It’s called ‘love’ because there is nothing kinky to it. Eroticism was rare, and forbidden.

In fact, given the absence of kinkiness in the education that was current then, the adventurer and the princess would probably think that they’d hold hands, and nine months later there would be a baby that would be brought by a stork. It was no surprise then that they had all kinds of ideas about ménage-à-tróis involving the bird.

[8] In the strict sense of the word. The other sense would apply to the whole party there.

[9] Maybe in this h’story line the dragon did come from the far east.

[10] They would be heavy as natural they were, and alchemy says silicon is heavier than regular fat.

What about people whose favorite band isn’t a variant of rock?

…Is there music besides rock?

WTF, you don’t smoke LSD.

and this looks like the thing that was on SA a while ago.

I don’t care much for rock or metal but there’s some exceptions: new wave and or 80’sish and industrial, maybe some instrumental rock. There’s indie rock not on the list too or would that fit under something else. All i can think of well besides mentioning particular bands that would probably be under classic rock anyhow.

I listen to Bowling for Soup almost exclusively as far as rock goes. My feminine side (or maybe my horny side, I can’t frickin tell) causes me to listen to music like Michelle Branch and Avril Lavigne about 45% of the time.

I was sleepy when I wrote that and some things got messed XD thanks

Maybe YOU don’t.

No, he’s saying you don’t smoke it.
You administer LSD orally, usually from a piece of paper or something coated in LSD. Most of the time, the sheet is perforated for easily noticeable dosages.

My thoughts on this thread: The guy who wrote that is half-retarded.

Maybe YOU don’t.

If you dip a cigarette filer in acid and smoke the cigarette, that is known as smoking acid. Granted, you don’t actually smoke the lsd.

Yeah, you can dip a cigarrette in LSD, HOWEVER, you will only get high from touching the cigarette. The second you light that cigarette, the LSD will burn away. So no, you cannot smoke LSD and get high from it. If you don’t believe me, read this website:
http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/lsd/lsd.shtml

You know, this LSD discussion is becoming really educative. This knowledge will surely be useful in a near future.

All this thread needs is for sex to get involved into it and it’s set.

My favourite band doesn’t fit somehow. He must’ve forgotten about Norwegian Rock.

I dont know, whatever kind of rock queen played.

The music I listen to fits in most of te catagories.I dont just rely on hard-core rock;im not a very picky person.

Hmm… Interesting… You left this out…

Manson Rock: Hero arrives and starts having sex with the dragon in front of the headbanging princess…

Anyways, is it just me or am I seeing a lot of wrestling Avatars lately…?

Seph: It’s Wresting Avatar week. Didn’t you get the memo? :hahaha;
I would use one now (maybe of El Santo) except I’m on a Batman kick right now, and Batman > Wrestlers. :stuck_out_tongue:

And yeesh, guys, I hope you’re not really taking drugs now. (Though maybe that would keep the curmudgeons from posting.) :hahaha;

Ren: That was funny and pretty well written. Thanks for posting it, and nice job on the translation/edition! :cool:

And judging from the above, my favorite band would have to play: Melodic Metal, Trash Metal, Heavy Metal, Folk Metal or White Metal, Punk Rock or Hard Rock. :slight_smile:

What? I’m an open-minded fellow. Just keep the drugs and gore to yourselves. :mwahaha:

A lot of people mix a drop of LSD in with weed, to give it an extra kick. That would also be smoking it.