After learning that I’m still under warranty (thank God), I called technical support. They gave me a bunch of crap, then said that unless I forked over my credit card number, I had to use their near-impossibly designed website. Since I HAVE no credit card I had to use the site.
After tumbling around for a LONG time, I found my problem. Turns out all the FAQs and stuff I was reading before were talking about if the device was EXTERNAL. My two CD drives are INTERNAL, damnit! That’s how most of them are! Not only that, but it involves taking the computer apart and tampering with the wires! Which raises the risk of destroying the computer up another eight hundred notches! GAAAAAH!
I just had to vent, folks. Please close this thread now.