I’ve had a college degree for three months, and that was supposed to “solve all my problems.” I don’t know what in Hell I was thinking. So I’m still working at Price Chopper, living with my ex-girlfriend in a lease that I can’t get out of, and we’re in the shitter, financially (mainly because she quit her relatively high paying job so that she could work at a clothing boutique because her job was stressing her out too much). I tried to get several jobs, including a job to teach in Japan, but they didn’t want me. My girlfriend was one of the main things that stopped me from going into the armed services, and so now I’m looking into going into the Navy as an officer, but I’m afraid that I won’t make it again.
I know that it’s hyperbole. I know that I’m just bumming myself out, but it just doesn’t seem like I can attain any goal that I set for myself.
I’ve stopped writing. I don’t know if I ever was good. Yeah, I won a fucking award. Yeah, my professors said my stuff was good (“although, Ken, you struggle with literary themes while sticking to genre- do you really want to write popular fiction?”). I don’t know. I just don’t feel like writing anymore. Honestly, I don’t much feel like getting up.
And not only that, but this place… what happened to this place? I guess it’s only reasonable to expect people to move on, but where’s Sinistral? Where’s Maz? SK? Not that I’m a frequent poster. Not that anybody is a frequent poster anymore. Is this forum dead, or am I just imposing the little deaths in my life to make another little death on the forum?
I don’t know exactly why I’m posting this. I guess it’s somewhat a desire to be cheered up. I guess it’s also because I don’t want this place to end up dead. I want this place to be as alive as I remember it, even with all the trolls and idiots that aggravated me so much. But I don’t want to be the same person that I was (man, was I a dickhead). These past three months might as well have been three years. I’ve stopped enjoying my video games and television, really (although I have been reading more books, lately). I want… I don’t know what I want.
Do I want a new relationship? Do I want closure on whether or not my newest career choice will work out? Do I want friends? Do I want to help this place grow with a shrine or a subsite or something? I don’t know. I probably want all of these things. Or maybe I just can’t go a year without a “boo hoo, Ken is a fucking sad little shit” thread. But then, I looked at all of those, and I didn’t realize how lucky priveleged I was. I’m not living in the sewers or anything, but I guess I’m just not used to living lean. Lean enough to cut all of the things I enjoy, but apparently not lean enough to take away the PRECIOUS cable fucking television box that she enjoys so damned much. I don’t know why I spoiler marked that. I guess I kinda thought it was funny.