To commemorate my exams being over in just two more days :moogle: I have written a fic. I must warn you that I only wrote it last night, it was quite late, and it didn’t take long to do, therefore it may not be the best fic in the world. I wasn’t concentrating particularly hard whilst writting it, which isn’t usually my style, normally I take a couple of days to write a fic and pay a lot of attention to it.
Anyway, I thought I would post it up here, if you don’t like it you can bitch about it all you want, but please don’t judge all my fics on what you read here.
On a side note it is in script form.
Well enjoy…
[Exams … everyone hates them, well, except the really brainy types who think that they’re a great excuse to show off their superior intellects. Anyway, today we will be looking deep into the depths of that so hated of places, the Balamb Garden examination room.]
[Zell sits alone at a particularly unusual looking desk.]
Zell: [Thinking out loud.] Why the hell do they always stick me in this damn highchair?
Seifer: [Sitting at the desk in front.] 'Cause you’re a stupid loser chicken wuss.
Supervisor: [Standing at the front of the hall.] Silence, this is an exam room not a Festival Committee meeting. [Goes back to reading his Pet Pals magazine.]
Zell: [Whispering.] Seifer, you did that deliberately.
Seifer: [Also whispering.] Chicken wuss. [Notices supervisor looking at his, and disguises it with a cough.]
Zell: [Looking down at exam paper.] If I had sixteen apples and I gave four to a friend, how many apples would I have? [Pauses to think.] I have no clue.
Seifer: [Snickering.] God, you are so dumb.
Zell: [Trying to ignore the insult.] I guess … “twenty”.
Seifer: [Having a giggling fit.] Chicken wuss.
[Quistis, already half way through her Italian exam, has run out of ink in her pen.]
Quistis: Me scusa, potrei soddisfare ha un’altra penna?
Supervisor: [With absolutely no clue.] Huh?
Quistis: La mia penna ha esaurito. Ho bisogno di un nuovo un.
Supervisor: [Still having no idea what she’s talking about.] What you tryin’ to say?
Quistis: I said, “Excuse me, could I please have another pen?” “My pen has run out. I need a new one.”
Supervisor: [Handing Quistis a pen.] Next time just say that.
[Excuse my Italian, not being able to speak it, I can’t tell if this is correct.]
[Selphie sits tapping her pencil against the desk, an irritating habit she had developed in the last few days.]
Selphie: [Whispering.] I am the best, oh yeah. Better than Quistis. Better than Zell. [Pause as Selphie realises who she has compared herself to.] Better than Squall, Rinoa and Irvine… Then why can’t I answer this question? [Jabs the paper with her writing implement.]
[Squall has his elbows on the desk, watching his pen with a furrowed brow – the pen is not in his hand.]
Squall: [Concentrating hard.] Write damn you! Write!
Rinoa: [Sitting at the desk next to Squall’s.] But I don’t feel like writing.
Squall: [Thinking he owns a talking pen.] Whoa… [Falls out of his seat.]
[Over in the far corner of the room, Irvine sits chewing the end of his biro, feet on the desk, leaning back in his seat, paper in hand.]
Irvine: [Lost in thought.] Man, this ‘Law’ stuff is really tough … and my new boots are way cool. [Whacks himself upside the head.] Focus Irvine, focus!
[Nida pokes the cowboy unnecessarily hard in the shoulder.]
Irvine: [Turning around.] Ow, whatcha do that for?
Nida: What’s the answer to question five?
Irvine: [Rubbing his shoulder.] I’ll tell you when I get that far.
Nida: [Pokes Irvine again.] Where are you up to?
Irvine: [Looking more than a little annoyed.] You know, you really don’t have to poke me when I’m looking straight at you.
Nida: [Pokes him again…] Where…
Irvine: Stop it!
Nida: [And again…] …Are…
Irvine: Ow, bloody hell!
Nida: [And again…] …You…
Irvine: Jesus Christ!
Nida: [Even harder this time.] …Up to?
Irvine: I haven’t even got past the first question yet, now stop poking me!
[Nida continues to poke him.]
[Squall, eager to hear his pen talk some more, has decided to ask it a few questions. However, they’re not very good.]
Squall: [Refusing to take his eyes off the object.] How old are you?
[Having already finished her exam paper, Riona has chosen to persist in messing with her boyfriend’s mind. This was a nice little hobby of hers.]
Rinoa: [Providing the pen’s voice.] Three months, just got out of the factory last month, if you know what I mean.
Squall: [Captivated by the items oddly feminine tone.] Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. [Of course, being Squall, he was absolutely clueless.]
Rinoa: I arrived here at Balamb Garden in a box full of brand new apparatus for schoolwork.
[Damn … what a boring conversation.]
Squall: [Not quite sure what the pen had meant when it said “box”, decided that he would continue the interrogation.] So, you in SeeD?
[Rinoa is stunned, that has to be the most idiotic question ever, even for Squall. In spite of his stupidity, she quickly recovers.]
Rinoa: [Tentative.] Sorry … I’m afraid not.
[Irvine has Nida in a headlock, the supervisor has fallen asleep so he fails to anything about it.]
Irvine: [Growling angrily.] I told you to quit prodding me!
Nida: [Still poking the infuriated individual.] Meh … what’re you gonna do about it?
Irvine: [Seeming a bit distracted.] Huh? I was admiring my jacket. I just can’t get enough of it.
Nida: [Nodding, which is hard to do when someone has their arm wrapped around your neck.] Yeah, it is a good jacket.
Irvine: I know … will you stop prodding me please?
Nida: Nope. [Continues poking him.]
[Squall is still deep in conversation with his pen.]
Squall: So you’re not a SeeD?
Rinoa: Nah.
Squall: [Confused.] What? Haven’t you passed the exam yet?
Rinoa: Erm … no, they, er … they don’t allow tools of any kind to join.
Squall: Man, that sucks! Especially since a pen ain’t really a tool…
Supervisor: [After finally waking up.] Hey, quiet at the back!
[Zell is fidgeting at his cough desk.]
Zell: [Frowning.] Grr … damn it … ow … crap!
Supervisor: [Shouting, as he is now rather hacked off at everyone ignoring him.] Dincht! What the hell are you doing? Sit yer ass back down!
Zell: [Continuing to fidget.] It’s this damn highchair! It’s aggravating my frickin’ haemorrhoids!
Seifer: [Nearly explodes.] Haemorrhoids? [Laughing.] The stupid chicken wuss has got Piles!
Raijin: [Also laughing.] What a loser, ya know!
Fujin: JACKASS.
Supervisor: [Almost at breaking point.] You three shut the hell up! You’re supposed to be the Disciplinary Committee, stop making fun of Dincht’s reeeeeeeeeeeeeally embarrassing condition, and sit yer asses down!
Zell: Request to be transferred to a different seat.
Supervisor: Request denied! Take your seat.
Zell: [Reluctantly climbing back into the highchair.] Son of a bitch, there’s a damn warning on the side! “Not To Be Used By Persons Over The Age Of Thirty Months!”
Supervisor: We choose to ignore that warning on the grounds that we don’t give a shit!
Seifer: Losersays"what?"
Supervisor and Zell: What?
Raijin: Losers! Ya know.
[Selphie hasn’t done anything for a while so…]
Selphie: [Banging her head on the desk.] This question is, like, so hard.
[Hope that satisfied all you Selphie fans out there.]
[Erm … and Quistis.]
Quistis: [Sleeping.] ZZZZZ…
Irvine: You know Nida, you are one extremely annoying person!
Nida: Yeah, that’s a thing I do. [Continues to poke Irvine.]
Irvine: {Nodding, but not listening.] Uh huh … do you think I should get a new hat?
Nida: No, your hat’s cool, but your shoes are a bit tacky.
Irvine: [Jumping out of his seat.] Say what? These are some stylish items of footwear!
Nida: [Shakes his head.] Nope, I gotta disagree. I mean they would be alright if you wore them last year, but… [Reaches over so that he can poke the disgruntled SeeD some more.]
Irvine: [Ignoring the poking.] Are you trying to say I’m out of fashion? I mean, me, the King of fashion, out of fashion, me, the King? I’m out of fashion? I am the King of fashion! I cannot be out of fashion! I say that it is you who is out of fashion! Not me, the King of fashion, but you, the … erm … Jester of fashion!
Nida: You ever notice how you tend to repeat yourself when you’re peeved?
Irvine: I do not repeat myself! I, the King of fashion, do not repeat myself. I am the King … of fashion.
Nida: I see. [Pokes the King of fashion again.] Anyway, I only said your shoes are out of fashion, everything else is fine.
Irvine: First of all, these are boots, not shoes. And secondly, I am the K–
Zell: [Obviously in agonizing pain.] Ooooooow! Holy bumble bees! This is too painful! Request to–
Supervisor: [Interrupting the suffering young man.] Request denied!
Zell: [Whimpering.] But it hurts!
Supervisor: I couldn’t care if I tried.
Zell: I’m gonna sue this dump!
Seifer: Quiet chicken wuss, some people are trying to pass their exams.
Supervisor: Yeah chicken wuss, quit yer whining and get back to work!
Raijin: [Still laughing.] Haemorrhoids, ya know.
Fujin: SILENCE.
Supervisor: Listen to yer buddy Raijin, and shut the hell up!
[Squall has been paying the situations going on in the rest of the room little to no attention, as he believes that the most interesting situation is occurring at his very own desk.]
Squall: [Whispering so that he doesn’t get yelled at again.] So, what’s it like being a pen?
Rinoa: [Lets out a “this is getting sad” sigh.] It isn’t bad, it’s kind of nice when people chew on you. [She gives a suggestive wink, but then remembers that Squall is talking to then pen.]
[The supervisor has fallen asleep again. Raijin and Fujin decide that they will take this opportunity to have some fun at Zell’s expense.]
Raijin: [Laughing, but this time as quietly as he can so as not to alert the baggy short wearing teen to their presence behind his cough desk.] This is gonna be so awesome, ya know.
Fujin: [Nodding.] You’re telling me, this is the coolest prank we’ve ever come up with without Seifer’s help.
Raijin: Hey, how come you ain’t talkin’ in caps no more, ya know.
Fujin: [Shrugs.] Dunno, gets annoying I guess.
[Fujin takes reaches inside Zell’s boxers. Raijin makes a disgusted face as she pulls out a haemorrhoid.]
Raijin: Ew … gross, ya know.
Fujin: [Feeling a bit sick.] At least you don’t have to touch the thing. [Takes out a stapler…]
[Irvine has finally stopped repeating himself, much to the relief of Nida.]
Irvine: If you don’t mind me asking, where’s Xu today?
Nida: [Pokes him.] Ask all you want.
Irvine: [Looking a bit perplexed.] Er … no, I meant, do you know why she isn’t here?
Nida: Yup. [Pokes him again.]
Irvine: [Scratches his head.] Can you tell me?
Nida: Oh right, sure … she hasn’t got any exams today.
Irvine: Lucky bitch, how come?
Nida: Well, to tell you the truth, she hasn’t got any exams at all.
Irvine: [Shouting this time.] Lucky bitch!
Nida: Uh huh. [Pokes him again.]
Selphie: Wait! That’s it! Sixteen apples minus four apples equals twelve apples! [Writes down the answer before she has the chance to forget.] I am such a genius.
[Zell hears Selphie yell the answer to the whole class.]
Zell: Wow, twelve eh? [Turns back to the first page in order to change his solution to question one.] That Selphie sure is smart.
Seifer: [Looks over his shoulder.] Quiet chicken wuss.
[The supervisor wakes up again realising that the exam should have been over fifteen minutes earlier.]
Supervisor: Oh crap! Everyone put yer goddamn pens down! This examination is over, it’s time for you no-good punks to get the hell out! [He rushes around collecting all the papers.] Now bugger off and wait in the hallway, yer results’ll be announced in a couple of minutes!
[Everyone starts to leave.]
[Zell stretches his arms before getting out of the highchair. As he climbs down he doesn’t realise one of his haemorrhoids is stapled to the seat. He falls over pulling his cough desk with him.]
[CRASH!]
Zell: Aaaah! Holy shit! What the frickin’ hell is goin’ on? Christ, it hurts so frickin’ much!
[There is much laughter as Fujin and Raijin’s latest victim crawls out of the room, dragging the highchair behind him. ]
[In all the confusion, Squall forgets all about his “talking” pen.]
[A couple of minutes, that mostly comprised of everyone but Zell laughing, later the exam results were announced over the PA.]
Trepe, Quistis…
Exam: Italian.
Score: 115%
Quistis: Alright! Can’t get much better than that.
Raijin, er … Raijin?…
Exam: Advanced Quantum Physics.
Score: 78%
Raijin: Cool, ya know. You know, I studied really hard for that, ya know.
Leonhart, Squall…
Exam: English Language.
Score: -17%
Squall: Whatever.
Tilmitt, Selphie…
Exam: Beginners Mathematics.
Score: 2%
Selphie: Woo hoo … I rule!
Almasy, Seifer…
Exam: Hypnotism … what the hell? Oh, screw it.
Score: 83%
Seifer: Not bad. [Turns to Zell.] Up yours chicken wuss.
Fujin, [Pause] … friend of Raijin…
Exam: Medieval History.
Score: 100%
Fujin: ACCEPTABLE.
Heartilly, Rinoa…
Exam: Pet Care.
Score: 3.5%
Rinoa: Uh oh! I’m dangerously unqualified to look after a pet … waaaaaah! [Two guys from the local Pound come and drag Angelo away.]
Leonhart, Squall…
Exam: English Language.
Score: -71% … error corrected.
Squall: Aw, no fair!
Kinneas, Irvine…
Exam: Law.
Score: 70%
Irvine: Whoa … for answering half a question?
Nida, the … er … one who steers the Garden…
Exam: Law.
Score: 70%
Nida: Awesome! [Pokes Irvine.]
The guy who sat at the back and didn't say anything throughout this whole ordeal…
Exam: Advanced Alchemy.
Score: 99%
Headmaster Cid: Neat. [High-fives Squall.] How’d you like that Edea? I’ve beaten you by one percent!
The Supervisor…
Exam: …
Score: FAIL.
Supervisor: [Shouts at speaker.] Bollocks! Sucks to you shit head!
Dincht, Zell…
Exam: Beginner Mathematics.
Score: Heh … what the hell were you doin'? -100% -- Minus 100% for misspelling "twelve".
Zell: [Laying on floor, trying to cut off his haemorrhoid.] Dude … that bites!
–END–
Well, that was it :thud: …tell me what you think.
hilarious…
:hyperven:
I am glad you like it.