The Return of the Evil One

The Return of the Evil One: Part 1 : Something Big!

Chris was working late on the computer when his cell phone rang. He quickly picked it up and answered it. “Hello…What?..Shit! I’ll be there soon!” It was his evil twin with something important to tell him, he quickly changed into some loose jeans and a black t-shirt and started to walk out of his room when his brother, Andy, rushed in and said, " Chris! Lemme on the Web!" After punching him back into his room, Chris walked out the door and flew off.

Chris reached the meeting place to find his evil twin; a blond, middle aged man in a shoddy suit; a young lad with blond hair and a whip at his belt and a robotic armour with twin, yellow canisters on it’s back.
“Ok, who are they?” asked Chris as he landed.
“These are Rodney Trotter,” D.Chris then pointed at the man in the shoddy suit, “Spark,” pointing at the young lad, " and this robotic man is the commander of something called the ‘ARM’."
“So, why the hell are they here?” asked Chris.
“That’s why I asked you here, they just…” Suddenly, there was the sound of guns cocking all around them and when they looked around, they saw a load of men in black suits surrounding them.
“Tell me you didn’t forget you sword…” said D.Chris.
“Ok, I won’t” replied Chris.
“Let me handle these goons,” grunted the commander.

End of Part 1
Chris:Will the commander realy beat the goons? Will Galloway get his ass kicked? Will the RPG News building still be standing by the end of this fic? Tune in next time to find out!

alarm sounds GASP! The rip-off-radar is going off! It must be from this fic!

No, seriously. It’s not that bad. Could be a LOT longer, but still not that bad.

The Return of the Evil One : Part 2 : Getting help!

“On 3, 1…2…3!” whispered Chris.
Chris jump kicked one of the men then started to punch, kick and judo flip the men. D.Chris just charged in and slashed. Spark started whiping the men in their eyes and other weak points. Rodney just hid in the corner. The Commander disintagrated a bunch of them with his disintagrator cannon then blasted them with his lazer gun. Needless to say, the men were defeted in short order. Chris then teleported the group to his house and grabbed the phone. They needed help.

Shalcar was healing the poor when the call came through, he left the poor house and somehow got to Chris’ house.
Railen was drunk in a bar and left as soon as he got the call.
Sapphire and SSJ were being tortured by Cala when D.Chris appeared, blasted Cala away and telported himself, Sapphire and SSJ away.
Galloway was chasing Weiila for an update and drinking coffee when he got the call, he quickly flew off.

Val was being tortured by Odin for stealing his Jaguar, when Mogo the God of Moogles appeared and took Odin away. Chris appeared and said “Well, Pissed off a god did you?”
"Mogo the God of Moogles? asked Val.
“Heh, Ladon said he’d help…” replied Chris.
“Free me already!” ordered Val.
“Fine…” Chris freed Val and teleported back to his house.

“Right! I’ll now tell you why you were all called here! You were called here because an evil being called the ‘Evil One’ is opened portals into other worlds and dimensions. We’re sure of this because otherwise, Rodney, Spark and the commander would not be here. We also think he want’s the power of the other evil lords.” explained Chris.

Suddenly, a form in a black cloak crashed through the window and a figure in silver armour bashed into the door.
“Ahhh, Mr.Galloway, I can finally get my vengance!” said the cloaked figure.
End of Part 2

Heh. It’s getting interesting, keep it up.

Originally posted by Chris of the Brood
Chris:Will the commander realy beat the goons? Will Galloway get his ass kicked? Will the RPG News building still be standing by the end of this fic? Tune in next time to find out!

I hope that the RPG News Boulding will still stand, If not, I have my handy dandy worker crew!

Calls out his worker crew

The Return of the Evil One : Part 3 : Magus’ Revenge!

“Why do you want revenge? Who are you?” asked Galloway.
“Who am I! Who am I! I am Magus!” screamed the cloaked figure.
“HAHAHA!” laughed Galloway.
“WHAT!” shouted Magus.
“But…your…really…WIMPY!” said Galloway.
“What! Dark Matter!” shouted Magus as he threw a huge blast of dark energy at Galloway who got smashed into the wall.
“How! Shalcar heal Galloway! Val, Darky get the armoured guy! The rest of you…” ordered Chris.
“Get them! Irenicus! You…” began Magus as Galloway smashed him out of the house. Gallo then began fighting Magus in the air as 50 dark soldiers appeared in the house.

“Shalcar, Rodney, hide in my room!” shouted Chris as he started fighting. Val started stabbing with Gungnir. Railen, D.Chris and SSJ started slashing with thier swords. Sapphire wacked some with her mallet. Spike whiped them. The commander blasted them with his cannon.

Irenicus threw his helmet away and stared encanting a spell when 3 voices shouted “Firaga!” and flames smashed into him.
He flew outside and engaged in a mage battle with Gemini, Wilfredo and Exo.

Pierson and Maba ran through the door and started fighting as well.

“FOOL! You cannot win! Energy blast!” screamed Magus as he blasted Gallo into the town youth center. They then started throwing blasts at each other.

Chris struck down another dark soldier and went outside. Galloway was loosing…baddly. Chris flew up behind Magus and began charged an attack.

“TORNADO SMASH!!!” screamed Irenicus as he gathered a tornado around his hand and smashed into Exo, knocking him out.
“DUAL TECH! GRAND ULTIMA!!!” screamed Willfredo and Gemini as they cast blasts of energy at Irenicus. Irenicus was blasted all the way to Austrailia.

“HAKODEN!!!” shouted Chris as time began to slow and he threw a huge bolt of shifting white energy at Magus.
“NOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Magus as he dissappeared.

“Magus and Irenicus have failed, sire.”
“I know, they were weak and were betrayed by their hatred.”
“What shall we do?”
“Bring them back… And have Nathaniel give Irenicus a reploid body.”
“Yes, sire.”

End of Part 3

I lost? NO! begins to power up the Spirit Bomb

Uh…give me a week, okay.

On the plus side, his black magic rating is now something like 50 million.

The Return of the Evil One : Part 4 : New worlds + the 3rd General

After the gang had cleared up the mess they set off through portals. The groups were : Shalcar, Railen and Rodney to Rodney’s world; Chris, Wilfredo, Pierson and Gemini to somewhere called ‘Amn’; D.Chris, SSJ and Spark to Spark’s world; Sapphire, Val and Galloway to someplace called ‘Nosgoth’ and Mabat, Exo and the Commander went to the ARM base. Andy also snuck through the portal to Nosgoth.

Mabat, Exo and the commander landed in a base full of robots and futuristic buildings. A robot ran up to them and said, " Sir! The Core are attacking on all fronts!" Mabat and Exo quickly followed the Commander.

Sapphire, Val and Galloway landed near some pillars and decided to make camp. Val and Sapphire quickly forced Galloway to hunt and he went, creeping, through the trees. Suddenly an armoured man stepped out from behind a tree. “Ahh, the Master said someone would be coming, I am Kain, the 3rd General of the Dark Host!” the man said as he charged at Galloway.

Val and Sapphire heard the clash of steel against steel and saw Galloway fighting a pale faced man in armour. They quickly grabbed their weapons and looked around for other enemies. Galloway kept parrying blows, he knew he would loose if this kept up, he would eventually tire and this ‘Kain’ was not even sweating. He had to try something. Suddenly, an elven, red hilted long sword tried to stab Kain but the blow was unfortunately blocked. When Galloway backed away and looked over Kain’s shoulder, he saw Andy, wielding the sword like a master. Galloway quickly became Super Saiyan and started to gather energy.

Andy knew what Galloway was trying, he had to keep Kain distracted, he quickly dealt a quick high blow to Kain.
Andy quickly dealt another blow then dived to the side.
Galloway blasted Kain with the huge ki attack. When the smoke cleared, Galloway had collapsed and Kain was no where to be seen.

Andy quickly dragged Galloway back to the Camp. “What is this blade?” asked Val while admiring the elvish blade.
“I stole it from my brother, it was a gift to him from an elven king, it’s called the Daystar,” replied Andy.
They quickly began to set up a watch and go to sleep.

D.Chris, Spark and SSJ landed outside an inn Spark called the Blue Boar. They went in and an old man with a long white hair and a beard, who had the build of a ranger or a bowman.
“Spark! Spark! Is that you?” shouted the man.
“Iolo! These are my new friends, Chris and Crono!” replied Spark as they sat at Iolo’s table.
They then began to talk about various things.

End of Part 5

blinks I forced Galloway to do something? Cool, I know I had help, but it’s still cool.

The Return of the Evil One: Part 5: Seriously Fucking Evil.

After, a while, Iolo invited Spark to his house. But, suddenly, all the shadows gathered into one point and became a cloaked figure with glowing red eyes.
“Shit…” said Iolo while stumbling backwards and unhooking his crossbow.
“What the hell…” said D.Chris before launching a shitload of dark fires at the shadow.
SSJ and Spark just started attacking the shadow.
“None shall interfere with our will,” hissed the shadow before grabbing SSJ’s wrist.
SSJ dropped his sword and fell to the ground.
Then, from nowhere, Magus shouted, “Ahh, meet the master’s newest creation, the Shadowmaster! The combined power of the 3 shadowlords!”

“Iolo, what are the shadowlords?” asked Spark.
“The…shadowlords…were…creatures of…pure evil… created from the shards of Mondain’s… imortality…gem,” stuttered Iolo.
“So, what do we do now?” asked D.Chris after heaving SSJ onto his shoulders.
“RUN!” shouts Iolo.
“Fools, fleeing, you have no honour!” hissed the Shadowmaster while he raised his palm and cast a beam of black energy at Iolo.
Quickly, Iolo drew a sword of pure black which the blast dissapated on.

“For Britainia!” shouted Iolo as he charges at the shadowmaster, the blade raised to swing.
The shadowmaster lunged for Iolo’s arm but, fortuately, the blade connected. Suddenly, they grew with a golden light and after it cleared, the only thing that was left was Iolo dieing.

“Spark… defeat this…Evil One…take the…Blackrock sword, the… avatar… gave it to me before… he left…” and, with that, Iolo died.
“Iolo… No!!!” screamed Spark before slowly picking the blade up and saying, " I will avenge you, my old friend!"

Chris, Wilfredo, Gemini and Pierson landed in a bustling market, and began to look around.

End of Part 5

WHAT!? I’m unconscious? NOOOOOOO! charges Meteo Strike

You’ve gotten wordier, very good. However, from what I’ve read (and I’ve read it all), you still don’t really provide much detail on whats going on. It just seems pretty flat. To provide an example amongst many:

The Return of Evil, end of Part 3
“HAKODEN!!!” shouted Chris as he blasted Magus in the back with a huge amount of energy.
“NOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Magus as he dissappeared.

Come on, that’s awfully undescriptive. A lot of your writing reads like an RP session, and stories don’t form like they do in RP sessions, you’ve got to add more pieces to the puzzle so that the reader can visualize whats going on.


The Return of the Evil One: Part 6: Illusions and Transformations.

Galloway woke up to Andy, Val and Sapphire talking. He got up and scooped some rabbit stew out of a pot into a bowl which he began to eat.

Chris, Wilfredo, Gemini and Pierson landed in a buzzing market with a large circus tent. Pierson wanted to go into the circus and since Gemini had bad memories to do with circuses, Chris bullied Wilfredo into going with him.

Wil followed Pierson into the Circus. Inside he saw a tall, elven looking man weaving a spell. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and, when he looked down, he saw large, ogre-like hands.

Galloway just finished his stew as many dark shapes emerged from the forest.
“Fools, it’s time for you to die!” boomed a familiar voice.
The dark shapes charged at the small group who began fighting.
The only problem was… the hero’s weapons just passed through the shadows.
Galloway and Val knew what they had to to do… they didn’t like it, but they had to.
They stood side by side and light erupted from each of them.

Chris and Gemini were looking at a magic book stall as mystic light erupted from the circus tent.

Shalcar, Railen and Rodney appeared outside a bar with the head of a nag painted on the sign.

End of Part 6

I have to agree with Sorc, Chris: the story structure is OK, but you’re going TOO fast, and not providing enough details. I suggest you devote each posting to only ONE group of characters, and that you describe EVERYTHING, using whatever senses are appropiate. Don’t just say, “this happened” but rather, “they saw, (whatever), which looked/sounded/smelled terrible (or wonderful, etc.)” You get the idea. Adding MORE dialog to ALL the characters also helps the story feel less flat.

Oh, and thanks for including me in the story!