The Renegade I - Darkness Within...part 2

The Core Media Forum
#1

After his sleep, the beast finally awakes in a world that has forgot the troubles of the past…quick this beats gathers an army, he gives them blood samples…of his blood…so that his servents can create the perfect kind, and conquer the universe, but the experiments backfire and the beast finds himself sorrounded by the people she made slaves and experiment tools, and he witnesses the people calling their god to purge him from existence, but his powers are too great, and the god can simply imprision him on earth…one of the servents that survived the savage attack goes into the paralel universe(the universe was splitted in two as a consequence of the epic battle)but only his soul passes and he is forced to posess someone elses body, and that body was the lieder of a rebell orgazitation called ‘‘The Renegades’’…and he orders them to attack the earth…they arrive at earth and they start searching for the divine knowledge library, and to find it they kill a group of explorers after they told them where it was…and he goes o the library and finds out that a god never leaves it’s mission unfinished, he allways leaves a encarnation…and the renegades start looking for the encarnation…while conqueirng earth…a few weeks later the earth is at their control…but the encarnation(sparck - name) Sparck…runs away, he was being used by Dr Nox, in a lab, they wanted to make him one of his, but he rejected the beast’s blood sample(one of the few that the beast’s servent saved) and runed away, he had forgot who he was and where he lived, and roams to Uranus(the town where the first three caracters meet)

To be continued…
But just for curiosity…what you people think about it so far?
Just post a reply saying your opinion on it…please…:cool:

#2

You should slow it down a bit. It’s one intense phrase after another, and it sounds silly.

Read a few pages by your favorite fantasy author, and then try writing a scene to “insert” in the middle. Don’t write what sounds best to you; write what sounds most like that author. The goal is to become utterly indistinguishable.

Once you can write passably like your favorite author, you can branch off into your own style.

#3

You’ve got ideas, though they are not exactly of immaticulate conception. You could try organising your material a bit better (paragraph breaks, punctuation) and explain things more elaborately, so that’s easier on the reader. For instance, in the first part how come a mortal gets mixed up? When/how was he created?

Secondly what do you want to do with your ideas? Make them into a novel? If positive, the writing style is king. Paul Auster can describe a man getting his breakfast in a way that makes me want to read on (and possibly go and eat something).

In general a single thread for the story will suffice, no need to use a new one every time you post a new part.

edit:Xwing pwnd!

#4

He was born to protect it…so he lives among humans…easy…and i have absolutly no quality to write things down, cus i rather a hundred times to write a script only based in dialogues, thats how i work, but i can’t make it here, because i have already 70 pages of dialogue and obviously i can’t put it here
thats y i said it would be better to e-mail the (incomplete) sricpt to anyone that wants to read it, and after that, EXPLAIN the story so that anyone that reads the script knows exactly what and y the actions goes…and (notice that this isn’t an excuse) i’m not english and explaining the story i created is bloody hard even in my mother tongue now imagin how hard it is to explain it in british or american english…it’s insane…and the story is highly complex…

#5

“Insane,” “highly complex,” mostly dialogue – that’s fine, but if the stylistics aren’t there, nobody will read it. You need to take a sober look at issues like grammar, sentence structure, paragraph structure, idea coherence, and so on. Also, keep in mind that if people can’t understand or relate to what’s going on, it doesn’t matter how deep and complex your storyline is. They’ll stop reading rather than bother trying to understand it.

This is why I recommend imitation of your favorite author. It’s an all-in-one way of practicing. Also try writing short stories before doing 70+ page experimental novels.

#6

“i have absolutly no quality to write things down, cus i rather a hundred times to write a script only based in dialogues, thats how i work, but i can’t make it here, because i have already 70 pages of dialogue and obviously i can’t put it here”

Well, there are certain things you need to learn if you want to become a good writer. Also, look at some peoples’ fanfics. They are many, MANY pages long.

“thats y i said it would be better to e-mail the (incomplete) sricpt to anyone that wants to read it, and after that, EXPLAIN the story so that anyone that reads the script knows exactly what and y the actions goes”

Why ask who wants to E-mail it to them, when you could simply post it here and probably get responses much faster? And why don’t you just explain the story to all of us?

“…and (notice that this isn’t an excuse) i’m not english and explaining the story i created is bloody hard even in my mother tongue now imagin how hard it is to explain it in british or american english…it’s insane…and the story is highly complex…”

It’s okay that you aren’t English or American. A fair few members are neither English nor American. You seem to speak decent English though. You seem to be saying you want to E-mail us the story and individually explain the plot to all of us, rather than just explaining it here.

You should take advice if you plan on sticking around here. Check Sorc’s thread on constructive criticism for more info.

#7

Also a good script ought to explain the story clearly. Out of curiosity, where are you from?

#8

first of all, i don’t want to be a writer, rather a filmamker, and i’m from Portugal.
I’ve done short stories, but this story i’m doing is going to much bigger than a 70 pages srcipt, and i’ve heard(seen in the tv) several superstars saying that the scripts are boring because they already know the ending ten pages after…well…in the script i’m making you only know the truth more than ten pages later, more like 125 pages later…or near it…and my goal in the earlier pages is to give a wrong idea of what is going to be the climax of the story so that people are suprised by what it came to happen in the end…
And my strong caracteristic are the dialogues…
And…not wanting to offend anyone, i don’t give a damn about if it’s well written, my point is to make interesting stories…and if i ever make it to the LA paradise(hollywood)my goal is to glue the spectators to the screen with non stop action, mystery, and fantastic special effects…

#9

Nothing says ‘uninteresting’ like poor writing. Or, to put it differently, good luck.

#10

As mentioned already, something poorly written is not going to be interesting. So if you aren’t going to make interesting stories, give up on filmmaking right now. Seriously.

If you’re really so uninterested in writing, it is simply beyond me why you are writing.

#11

Hollywood won’t wait for someone with a poorly written script. It only accepts those if they are poor in other aspects :stuck_out_tongue:

Anyway Lisboa’s cool. I second Xwing.

#12

you never saw my script so you can’t talk…and i see people in the movie making business that are lame and uninteresting…very lame really, but they’re there.
And thanks for the support…

#13

So now you think you can get into Hollywood because you consider your writing to be lame? Nice. No, we haven’t seen your script. We have, however, seen your writing, which is, not to be rude here, uninteresting enough. Do you have any idea how many scripts get rejected from Hollywood on an annual basis? I don’t have a number for you, but I do know it’s a lot. Shoving us away when we post constructive criticism about your story isn’t exactly going to earn our support.

#14

Your plot descriptions seem alright for a comic book. In my mind all I see are a bunch of cover arts depicting what you’ve written. Enough to get someone to ask “What’s that about?” but noting else to hold them there and read.

It’s true that most of what Hollywood makes is lame but even lame movies started out as good books. Look at The Da Vinci Code. It was a hugely popular book before it was a lame movie.

#15

I’m not trying to offend anyone here but everyone has it’s strong point, and i know a lot of scripts are rejected but they’re lame to a point that it reaches a degradating state, i’m not sure about it but seeing how lame the movies’ plots are now-a-days i presume that the rejected plots are lame and lame and so damn lame…
But i’ll post the script i have
I’ll update it time a time, and if you still interested coment on it…
And then you’ll tell me if it is interesting or not…you know that sometimes we have ideas that aren’t bad at all but that we wasted with ‘‘bad writting’’ and i guess that quality will reach with time and experienc…or have you ever saw a 22 year old filmamker…hey??