The Gag Thread

It’s simple, post any gag you come accross, as long as it ain’t out of line of the board rules.

For starters, I found this and I thought it was worth sharing with you all :slight_smile:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” She asked. “Hunting Flies” He responded. “Oh. Killing any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?” He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

A guy goes into a restaurant and asks a waitress for a menu.He reads the menu and asks , “Why aren’t hamburgers on the menu today?”–She answers, “They were, but i just scratched the very thing you like.” He says, " fine; will you go and wash your hands and bring me something else."-----
Another joke—Why do you think they call the head of the Mormon faith-"Bring “Em Young!”
One of MY favorites i made up—Prostitutes in Aspen—
An escort will cost you $3,000 a night.
“Why so darn much?”
“Well, she’s really pretty!”
“Ok, so bring me a cheap Mexican one like Jay Cum Loadie. Only, hold the ice.”

And here is the best way to tell if a guy is not into you anymore------

Gags? Well, I remember one time, I put it WAY too far in my mouth…

-“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere”
-"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
-“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
-“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
-“On the other hand, you have different fingers”

–Steve Wright–

White is the symbol of purity, virtue and innocence. So why do nuns wear black?

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything.”

LOL. :hahaha;

There’s three men and a whorehouse. One is entering, one is leaving, and the other one is…conducting a business session. What are the races of the three men?

The one entering is Russian.
The one leaving is Finnish.
The one doing the deed is Himalayan.

my friend has some racial ones, there really funny but really really racial, so im not going to post them, if u want me to tell u them, just private message me.

A guy walks into a bar, thought he would’ve seen it!


a traveling salesman walks up to the door of this one house and rings the bell.
an eight-year old kid answers, wearing only underwear with a bottle of beer and a porno mag in his hands and a huge blunt in his mouth.

the salesman asks, “are your parents home, little boy?”

the kid says,“what the hell do you think?”

p.s. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

“If knowledge is power, why is the world run by stupid people?”

“Why do we park in the driveway, and drive on the parkway?”

“If a fly did not have wings, would you call it a walk?”

Favorite oxymorons:
Civil war
Peacekeeping force
Military intelligence
Diplomatic aggression

(Old, but yeah, it was funny to me when I first read it 5 years ago. :P)

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now, that’s cool!”

There was a young man from Nantucket,
whose dong was so long he could suck it.
Said he with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,

“If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.”

What did jesus say to black people?

“Don’t do anything until I come back”

I’ve tried to think if I have any that are appropriate for the forums (though a few people have thrown that rule out the window anyway… >_>), and I can only think of the one:

Two sausages are grilling in a pan. One sausage rolls over and says, “man, is it hot in here!” The other looks back and says “AAAAAHHH! A talking sausage!”

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

How to you keep a Kerryman entertained?
Give him a piece of paper with PTO on both sides.
Why did god invent alchohol?
To stop the Irish taking over the world!