My personal favorite:
“Growing up in a strict religious house hold, I did not know what a penis or a vagina was. Then I got hooked on the internet. Now, I am ashamed to admit I have both.”
- Name withheld
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whoa whoa whoa fucking HOLD THE CODE
<font size=10>NO CLICK ZONE</font>
Funny shit, though 
CITIZENS
UNITED
NEGATING
TECHNOLOGY
FOR
LIFE
AND
PEOPLE’S
SAFETY
Lol cuntflaps
THE ONLY FRIENDS YOU MAKE ONLINE ARE NERDS, LOSERS OR PERVERTS. BECAUSE EXCEPT FOR YOU AND ME, EVERYONE ONLINE IS ONE OF THESE.
And this one jsut has something sick about it:
KILL THE MOUSE!!!
REMOVE ITS BALLS
Isn’t this a case of Viral Marketing, performed by RockStar, and targetted against Jack Thompson?
Before the internet, we had no problems. Like the Holocaust. Those were the days.
Yeah. 
badum-tsh
My God, I had no idea. We must Crusade against the Internet!
. . . And when the board your on
Starts posting different threads
I’ll see you on the darkside
Of the web. . .
Thtat’s exactly what I was thinking of when I saw the thread title.
“Before, when I would buy drugs, I would have no idea what to do with them, so they used to sit, untaken on my side board. After years of buying drugs, but being unable to take them due to ignorance, I had pounds of crack, heroin and reefer stashed in my house. Then, thanks to the internet, I learned how to take them, using a vacuum cleaner, a car battery and a small dog. I am literally out of my mind all of the time and my life has turned to sh*t. Thanks a lot, internet! I say, ‘turn it off!’ ”
Im just curious as to why the hell would you buy something you don’t even know how to use? XD I laughed my ass off on the testimonies.
Please tell us you know it’s a joke. It doesn’t have to be true, just do it.
The dark side of the web, it says…
…like there’s a light side to this fuckin’ thing. 
THE DEVIL USES THE INTERNET, EVERY DAY.
Crap, I’m going to Hell.
9 OUT OF 10 CHILDREN ARE PREYED UPON BY PERVERTS AND SICKOS, INCLUDING TEACHERS.
thats why my science teacher was looking at me funny…
If anyone takes this seriously, I’m gonna kill them.
The damned name’s acronym is cuntflaps
C U N T FUCKING FLAPS
k thanks bye
THE ONLY FRIENDS YOU MAKE ONLINE ARE NERDS…
…and please tell me what exactly is wrong about being a nerd.
THE ONLY FRIENDS YOU MAKE ONLINE ARE NERDS, LOSERS OR PERVERTS. BECAUSE EXCEPT FOR YOU AND ME, EVERYONE ONLINE IS ONE OF THESE.
Ha. That’s your FIRST big mistake, being 2 out of the 3 myself. Guess which 2. 
BEFORE THE INTERNET, WE HAD NO PROBLEMS.
ROFLMAFIA
sings It’s great to be a nerd! It’s great to be a nerd! Tolkien was a genius and Shakespeare was a turd!
“I was a happily married man – two kids, a wife, a mistress and an almost unnatural interest in strippers. Then, I got hooked on the internet. Now, I have no time or energy for infidelity, as all of my time is taken up planning family vacations and helping my kids learn about history using the enormous resources of the web. It has certainly ruined my fun.”
- Marcel Crayon, Carcer City
Let’s all pity this man