The Christmas Saga

The Core Media Forum
1

The Christmas Saga: Ho Ho Fucking Ho!
By d_Galloway

Galloway finished the last few modifications on the Flying Bunker, then climbed back through the trap door leading to his room. It was raining outside, just like it did in Visalia about 80% of the winter season. Sighing, he kicked his busted computer a few times, then snuck into his brother’s room to use the PS2.

When he began to look for Onimusha 2, though, he found something strange. On his brother’s desk was a pamphlet that read:

Wanted: Someone that hasn’t seen The Shining all the way through and wants to help maintain an old hotel for the holidays. Free food, drink, beer, and everything else you can imagine. Deluxe accomidations. Really creepy paintings. Blood that gets off on the second floor instead of the first. Also includes the heavily stained room President William Jefferson Clinton stayed in with a young intern. If interested, go there right now. No application neccessary. Oh, and we have LOTS and LOTS of snow!

Galloway’s eyes blew open when he saw the part about snow. Visalia almost never got a centimeter of snow in a decade, and the only other place to get snow was filled with whiny brats that should be shot and dragged behind cars. He quickly kicked open his brother’s window and ran off, but not before grabbing the PS2.

“Hey, Santa!” shouted an elf, standing in front of Santa’s private study. “We need you to name the new reindeer!” When there was no answer, the elf pushed on the door. It was unlocked; Santa ALWAYS locked the place up! After all, it was where he kept his list…

Suddenly, a figure crept out of the shadows and strangled the elf to death using a piano wire. After disposing of the body, he closed and locked the door. “Damn elf,” he said. “Why can’t my blasted brother keep an eye on them?” He then snuck up to a computer called, “Christmas List 3000.”

He began to read through all the children’s names. “Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty, fucking evil, naughty!” He then scrolled over a bit to the right, and learned that they were getting their presents anyway.

“GOD DAMN IT, BROTHER!” he hushly shouted. “THESE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY! HOW CAN YOU LET THEM GET OFF THE HOOK LIKE THAT?! I’LL SHOW YOU HOW THIS BUSINESS IS RUN ONCE AND FOR ALL!”

(He then went off and took over Santa’s Workshop. Unfortunately, our camera man, a die-hard athiest, complained about the “God” part we just said and left, making us unable to film. And now, back to the show.)

The evil figure tied Santa to his old wooden chair. “I’m taking over the family business now, brother!”

“I’m not your brother!” shouted Santa. “You’re just my evil twin half-brother!”

“Maybe,” said Santa’s half-brother, “but I know how to run something like this, unlike you! Naughty children don’t deserve gifts, and yet you give them a bunch every year! That’s why I, and my dark master Stan, a potatoe farmer who gained my soul due to an unfortunate typo when I was making a contract to sell my soul to Satan, have come up with a way of punishing the worst children in existence!”

“But…only one group qualifies as the all-time worst!” shouted Santa. “And they’ve all grown up!”

“I know,” said Santa’s half-brother. “But I can still punish them in ways you can’t imagine…”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Santa. “I can imagine quite a bit.”

“Oh, fine,” said Santa’s half-brother, “I thought it up after a couple thousand vodkas one night. But it’ll still annoy and horrify them to no end!” He then stole Santa’s sleigh and flew off.

(to be continued)

Gallo-note: Please, continue signing up. I beg of you.

2

What is it with killers and piano wires…
Looking good, Galloway, this christmas is going to be really screwed up I’m sure cackles

And I take it that you really liked Onimusha chuckles Ain’t very surprised :wink: Is the sequel any good?

3

Originally posted by Weiila
[b]What is it with killers and piano wires…
Looking good, Galloway, this christmas is going to be really screwed up I’m sure cackles

And I take it that you really liked Onimusha chuckles Ain’t very surprised :wink: Is the sequel any good? [/b]

Is it good? You’d better believe it’s good! In fact, it’s great! You go play now! NOW!

4

I’ll get it when I see it the next time then :slight_smile:
(and if you want to write anything about any of them I could consider classing them as action-RPGs… well, at least the first, haven’t played the second… obviously.)

5

Originally posted by Weiila
I’ll get it when I see it the next time then :slight_smile:
(and if you want to write anything about any of them I could consider classing them as action-RPGs… well, at least the first, haven’t played the second… obviously.)

The second one is almost the same as the first, with some exceptions:

  1. All new characters (except Nobunaga and Tokichiro, those bastards)
  2. You can make friends with four other sub characters. Who you are friends with affects the plot, as well as allows that character to help you at certain places and boss fights.
  3. You no longer upgrade orbs, herbs, or arrows. Instead, you upgrade weapons (increases damage and magical attack), armor (increases defence), gauntlet (increases attack rate), and boots (increases speed).
  4. It has a much better recurring demon than the first one: Gogandantes! I’ll let you see for yourself why he rocks.

Okay, enough about Onimusha 2. I’ll continue setting up the plot a bit later.

6

Twin half-brother… So, that means either the mother was a whore, or she was raped. Either way, doen’t put her in a good light.

7

Not necessarily, Val. It may be that he was just jealous of living in his brother’s shadow. Happens to twins all the time. :hahaha;

Good going, d. This IS quite different from what I have in mind, so don’t worry. I guess yours will be the RPGC’s Xmas comedy and mine will be the Action/Adventure one… with I hope some humor, just as yours will likely have some action.

Godspeed.

8

Originally posted by Wilfredo Martinez
Not necessarily, Val. It may be that he was just jealous of living in his brother’s shadow. Happens to twins all the time. :hahaha;

You DO realize, of course, that the onyl possible way that they could be twin HALF-Brothers is if two men got her pregnant at the same time. My point still stands.

Still, I’m intrigued about where this story will go. Can’t wait to see.

9

Galloway tried to start his car, but the battery was dead. He then tried to take his parents’ car, but it wasn’t there. He didn’t know how to drive a stick, so he couldn’t use the truck, and no buses went through the mountains.

Just when it all seemed hopeless, a large, futuristic truck pulled up next to him. Galloway recognized it instantly; it was Joey’s truck!

Gemini kicked open the passanger door and got off. “Okay, I’ll see you after the holidays,” he said to Joey. Just as Joey began to drive off, though, Galloway grabbed onto the side of the car.

“I need a ride to this place,” he said, pointing at a map on the pamphlet. Joey looked at him with surprise, muttered something about, “The Shining,” and drove off, Galloway in tow. Gemini stepped into the house, entered his room, and screamed at Galloway to give him the PS2 back.

“Okay, master,” said the half-brother, now wearing Santa’s traditional red threads, “is the molecular temporal synthesizing reversivizer ready?”

A dirty, unshaven man looked back at the half-brother. He wore simple blue overalls and a dirty shirt, with rotten shoes on his feet. He chewed on a piece of grass, and wore a faded leather hat on his head. “It done be ready, Clive!”

The half-brother looked at him evilly. “I thought we agreed not to call me by my real name. Just call me ‘Half-Santa’…please.”

“Okay, Half-Santa,” said the hillbilly, who was most obviously Half-Santa’s evil master, Stan. “The big gun be ready. It be sittin’ on ya sled.”

“Good,” said Half-Santa. “I shall go visit those morons this evening, when they least expect it…”

(to be continued)

10

Joey’s truck pulled up to the front of the hotel. Like the pamphlet said, he saw snow all around. The hotel was about five stories, and a little run-down. But the snow was there, and that was all that mattered. Galloway jumped out of the truck, which speeded off as quickly as it could.

Galloway passed by a dried-up fountain, several hundred dead and dying bushes and trees, and a moss-covered statue of Jimmy Carter, history’s greatest monster. Sitting at the doorstep, however, where two people he had NEVER expected to see here: Valkyrie Esker and Wilfredo Martinez.

“So, you took the job, too,” said Val.

“I don’t blame you,” said Wil, sighing heavily. “Since Sin was appointed head of the Christmas committee, people have been running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Good thing we found out about the job here, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, whatever,” said Galloway. “Beats spending time in crappy Visalia with the family. Did anyone else come here?”

Suddenly, Weiila flew down, several suitcases in tow. Starstorm then jumped down from a tree, covered with several more bags of Weiila’s stuff. Shalcar then drove up in a snowmobile, followed closely by PC Glenton landing in a black helicopter. Heaven’s Soldier then appeared somehow, as did Pierson and OmegaflareX. Crotanks then rode in on some kind of snowplow, followed finally by Hane, who dug her way up from the ground.

After everyone’s flashy entrance, Galloway opened the door.

The inside of the hotel was lavishly decorated, with red carpet, glass chandeliers, and a full-service mini-bar. A creepy old man stepped down the large staircase in the middle of the entryway. He was wearing a black suit with a red necktie.

“The new winter caretakers have arrived,” he said. “Follow me.” He then went into an adjoining room. Everyone quickly followed him.

They then went through a tour of the hotel’s dining room, laundry facilities, kitchen, greenhouse, billiard room, library, and various other rooms.

“This house has a long and interesting history,” he said when they returned to the entryway. “It was built on an ancient indian burial ground, and has been the sight of satanic rituals, witch burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.” Galloway shivered at the thought of John Denver.

“Well, that should be it,” said the old man. “I will be taking my leave now. All of the rooms are unlocked, and there’s a couple hundred thousand for food and supplies. I’ll see you after the holidays.” He then went out the door, and dissapeared from sight almost immediately.

Wil’s black mage senses kicked in immediately. “I have a bad feeling about this place.”

(to be continued)

11

Sidenote, I’ve NEVER seen The Shining and never touched the book either, so I have no idea what’s gonna happen :wink:

12

Originally posted by Weiila
Sidenote, I’ve NEVER seen The Shining and never touched the book either, so I have no idea what’s gonna happen :wink:

Basic summary: Some guy that works as a caretaker at a hotel goes crazy and starts killing people right and left. Fortunately, I’m not gonna do that, but the basic idea is that being a caretaker at a hotel is BAD news.

13

Welcome to the Hotel California… wait, we did that already.

14

“Ho ho ho!” shouted Half-Santa as he flew the sleigh over RPG Town. Having survived nuclear holocaust, Saddam Hussein, and various other crap, they didn’t think a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer was that unusual. They also didn’t care that a gigantic laser cannon was on the back.

“Okay,” said Galloway, “I’ve looked around the whole place, and there isn’t a single Christmas tree here. Anyone want to come with me?” However, nearly everybody else was busy drinking beer, watching TV, or planning their christmas lists. Sighing, Galloway left the hotel.

Wil explored the huge library. Books upon books were piled on the shelves, many of them several centuries old. Also, there were various newspapers, scrolls, and porno mags.

After indulging himself on hardcore porn, he returned to looking at the shelves. However, he tripped over a book on the floor and hit a bust. It lifted up slightly, revealing a switch. Curious, Wil flipped the switch. The wall and floor he was standing on flipped around, revealing a torch-lit secret passage.

Galloway went looking for a tree, but every lot was sold out. Finally, he found the last one in RPG Town: a Charlie Brown-esque tree, which was most definately on its last legs. He had to pay $300 for it anyway.

“Okay,” said Val, “these have been the dullest three hours of my life. When is ANYTHING gonna happen?”

Weiila suddenly grabbed Val’s mouth. “You idiot! You said the forbidden words! You know what happens when you say the forbidden words!”

“Yeah,” said Shalcar, “EVERYONE knows about the forbidden words.”

“Come on!” shouted Val. “What could possibly happen?” Everyone screamed and dove for cover. Suddenly, a noise was heard from the roof, followed by Half-Santa sliding down the chimney with the laser cannon.

“Damn, Santa’s packing heat this year,” said Star.

“You were very naughty children,” said Half-Santa, “but you got presents anyway. You must be punished!”

“Come on, Santa!” shouted Weiila. “We’re adults now. Your powers have no affect on us!”

“I know,” said Half-Santa. “That’s why I built this molecular temporal synthesizing reversivizer. I got the plans from some guy’s logbook. His name was…what was it…oh yeah, Mox.” Everyone gasped when they heard that name…and realized what the laser did.

Of course, that didn’t stop them from just standing there and letting him zap them.

“I hate Christmas trees,” grumbled Galloway as he carried his tiny tree up the long hike to the hotel. “I hate Christmas shopping. I almost hate Christmas itself.”

Then he saw Half-Santa standing in front of the hotel. The evil Santa fired his laser cannon, but Galloway vanished in a blur.

“Where the hell’d he go?” shouted Half-Santa. He then turned…and saw Galloway’s foot slamming into his face. He flew into the side of a mountain, dropping the laser cannon along the way. Galloway raised his hand and destroyed the cannon with one energy blast.

Half-Santa pulled himself out of the crater he had been knocked into. He saw the remains of the laser cannon, and began to laugh. “You’re too late. I already got your friends. And someday, I will get you!” He then jumped onto the roof, boarded his sleigh, and flew off.

(to be continued)

15

Yeah, i’m in it, but I got zapped, by that “Molecular Temporal what-cha-macall-zit”! That can’t be too good.

But keep writing this is good.

16

slooow intake of breath I know what happened. And Galloway, I am going to hurt you. In a fic. I swear by the box of Pokefreak’s socks.

17

Nice work, d. Keep it coming.

18

Originally posted by Weiila
slooow intake of breath I know what happened. And Galloway, I am going to hurt you. In a fic. I swear by the box of Pokefreak’s socks.

Don’t worry. There are some that were NOT hit by the big laser cannon-thingy. Here’s who:

*Me, because I wasn’t in the hotel at the time.
*Wil, since he was in the secret passage.
*Some other people, who will be selected at random.
*Anyone that signed up, and hasn’t appeared yet.

19

So, wait: This is the second time I’ve been chibified, or the third? I lost track.

20

So… I just got hit by a ray that punishes people for the sins in their past…

Shit… I am so screwed.