Story Time!

I was cleaning out my personal folder at work and I found this little short story. I figured, why not throw it up here for some people to read. I must have been in a pretty violent mood when I wrote it. Anyway, here it is:

WITHDRAWAL

Dave whistled a happy tune as he walked down the street. It was a beautiful day in Boston. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Dave had a nice fat paycheck to cash. The money was already being spent in his head. “Let’s see,” he said to himself, “After the rent, the bills, and the money I owe my parents, I should be able to afford today’s paper.” Despite being in debt, he was determined to stay in a good mood. It was a beautiful day, after all. “Nothing is going to bring me down,” Dave said, as he walked into the bank.

“Get down! On the ground now!” commanded a large man holding an assault rifle. Dave froze in terror. “I said NOW!” the masked man repeated, pointing the gun, complete with a noise suppressor, in Dave’s face. The day was quickly taking a turn for the worse.

“No problem,” Dave said as he laid down on the ground. Looking around, he saw five other people cowering on the ground, and three masked men armed to the teeth. At least I’m not in this alone, he thought. A few feet away, the lone security guard lay motionless in a pool of blood.

“How’s it going back there?” asked the man who seemed to be the leader.

He was talking to a fourth robber behind the counter. “Good,” he said, “I got all the money from the drawers.” He looked over and saw one of the tellers reaching under the counter. “Push that button as much as you want, bitch,” said the robber, “We disabled the security system, cameras and all.” They had obviously prepared for this.

“Shut up and go check the safe,” the leader said as he looked at his watch.

“It’s locked!” responded the fourth man.

“It’s on a time lock,” the leader said. “It should open… now.” Right on cue, the door to the safe slowly swung open.

It was then that one of the robbers noticed a cell phone in the hand of a female captive. Without hesitation, he turned and shot her in the head. “We’re not fucking around here, people!” he yelled. “This is no joke. The next person to try something stupid will end up just like her.”

Dave had covered his ears, expecting the typical crack of gunfire, but there was none. There was only the metallic click of the gun’s bolt. It was the first time he had heard a gun fired with a silencer, and he was surprised at how well it worked.

“You,” one of the robbers said, tossing two large duffel bags at Dave. “Go in back and help unload the safe.”

Reluctantly, he got up and carried the empty bags into the safe, followed closely by one of the men. His mind was racing. It was amazing how easily they took a life. Dave knew that he needed to do something, or else he might be next. Stuffing money into a bag with a gun pointed at his head, he found it quite hard to think. When the first bag was filled, Dave brought it out to the front.

“Now go fill the next one,” the leader barked.

Dave was sweating nervously as he filled the second bag. Suddenly, there was a commotion outside the safe.

“Just keep working,” said the man inside the safe with him. Screaming could be heard, but suddenly it stopped, and an eerie silence filled the bank. The gunman peered out of the safe to check on his partners in crime.

Dave saw his opportunity, and didn’t hesitate. He quickly pulled out his pocketknife and jumped on his captor, slitting his throat ear to ear. Hoping no one heard him, he wiped the blood off his hands, and took the dead man’s gun. He placed the gun in the second duffel bag, and walked back out to the front.

He stood there stunned at the scene before him. The robbers had killed everyone. Dave took a second to compose himself, and looked towards the leader.

“Put that one next to the other one,” the leader said, turning around to point towards the first bag.

Grabbing the concealed rifle, Dave dropped the bag and unloaded half the clip in the leader’s back. Quickly, he dove behind a counter as the remaining two robbers opened fire. He waited for a pause in the barrage of bullets, and fired off a few more rounds, grazing one of the two men.

“You are fucking dead!” screamed one of the robbers.

I need a diversion, Dave thought to himself. Thinking quickly, he grabbed a stack of deposit slips and threw them to his right, as he dove to the left. His trick worked, and the robbers were distracted long enough for Dave to hit his targets. The smell of gunpowder filled the air as he surveyed the carnage. This was surely a scene he would not soon forget.

Dave whistled a somber tune as he walked down the street. His pace was slowed by the heavy bag on his shoulders. It must have weighed at least a hundred pounds, but he didn’t mind. “I guess I’ll have to go to a different branch,” he said to himself with a laugh.

Very nice, it really sucked me in, but a couple of things are unclear…

  • Is this a short story, and if so, is it finished?
  • Is Dave going to steal the money or is he heading towards a police station?
  • If he’s stealing the money, has he gone insane or does he (quite idiotically…) think that he can get away with it?
  • If he’s going to a police station, perhaps you should indicate that in the text?
  • Maybe it’s none of the above but a temporary suspend of belief in the ability of the law to catch Dave? As in, he’ll actually get away with it?

1- Yeah, its a short story. And I haven’t really thought about adding anything to it. So I guess it is finished.

2- Its open for interpretation. He might be stealing the money. He might not. Its supposed to be vague.

3- Maybe both. He did just killed somebody.

4- I want the reader to decide what he’s doing.

5- Well, since the robbers planned everything so well, the cops weren’t showing up right away, thus giving Dave a shot at getting away with it.

This was just something I came up with on a 15 minute break. I didn’t put too much thought into it.

…Could I get a custom title just by asking?

Right now, I think it might be leaning a bit towards the “he’s robbing the bank” train of thought. I only thought of the lawful option after reading it a second time. It still feels kind of… unfinished. Maybe a snappier conclusion.

And yes, yes you can.

I think my break was running out when I wrote that last paragraph. It does seem a little rushed.

I really wanted to leave it open ended though. Maybe I’ll go back and revise it a bit. Flesh it out a little.

I have a few other short stories on my home computer. I’ll bring them in if I remember.

Ummm… Mr. Cless sir? Can I have a custom title? Please? I promise I’ll be good.

Yeah sure, just PM me what you want it to be :stuck_out_tongue:

That was quite a good story.But I got disapointed at how short it is :frowning:

I liked it. It had an Alias sort of feel to it. If Sark had retired and had a 9-5 job I’d place squarely as the main character in your story.

Pretty Nice, I liked it and I don’t care if it’s short it is still a very good story.

Thanks Lex, Thanks Vodka.

The main reason that it is so short is because I wrote it during a break at work. I had to wrap it up quick.

I am kinda surprised at the positive feedback. I’m going to have to write something new and post it.