Sorta AU ficcy

Okay, so it’s not “Sorta” AU, and no I don’t mean astronomical unit, Wilfredo-dude.
I dunno, it’s got my avatar, Yolei, in it, and technically any FF8 fic i write with her in it is au on account of the whole created-character thing, but ya get the idea.
I got bored and threw Zell in California, and Yolei in Illinois, and gave them both computers, and Yolei has more issues than I can shake the proverbial stick at, but meh. I like her being angsty, it’s better than “Miss Goody Goody”. Wait, have I said that before? Oh well. This’s nowhere near done, and I’ll likely post any updates on this thread as they happen, but with my lovely lack of ideas lately…eh, don’t hold your breath ^^’’’

Shortened Disclaimer: Um…Yeah. You know the drill. I own nothing, except Yolei. And neither city here actually exists. If either one actually does, gomen nasai! O_O

O’Leti Beach, California
Daira, Illinois

At first glance, the two cities were about as different as night and day. In a way, they were. O’Leti, or Jewel of the West in some obscure ancient tongue, was, as its name stated, paradise. It was one of those coastal towns, populated but not enough for it to be labelled a city. The residents were mostly young surfers, with the occasional crowd of college students arriving seasonally for vacations.
Daira, on the other hand, was about as far from paradise as a city could get. It was literally in the middle of nowhere, in a part of the state that noone ever went, much less cared about. Regardless, it was, as its natives called it, little Chicago, a smoggy slum of a city with more than its fair share of violence.
Those two cities were as different as night and day, except for one major similarity. You see, like most communities, both Daira and O’Leti had residents looking for love. Also like most communities, both cities had their fair share of net-surfers. Sometimes, citizens from each town attempted to find love on their computers.
That, my dear readers, is how this story begins.

Yolei Alcher, best known as YoYo, was a Daira native who had encountered more trouble in her life than she deserved. Signs of this trouble showed clearly on her face. Although she was pretty, with violet streaked golden hair, eyes of brown, and what plenty of boys had called a goddess-like figure, she was anything but happy. Her eyes would have been prettier if it wasn’t for their unhappy cloudiness, which could be seen clearly even behind her thin glasses, and the “goddess-like figure” was ridiculously frail, mostly due to the abuse of her current boyfriend, if he could even be called that.
There was no love whatsoever between the two.
He liked being in control, you see, and when anyone got in the way of that control, he liked getting violent. Every time anyone questioned his authority, damage was done.
Yolei found that out the hard way.
When Derek wanted something, he got it. No questions asked. Not even a month earlier, he had wanted her, and the result was a painful raping. Part of her still felt the pain from that incident, and it was no wonder why.
It hurt like hell. She remembered crying, begging for him to just stop, but he merely laughed at her. There was still a bruise on her arm from that night, from when he grabbed her before the real pain began.
Now, finally, the pain was ending. Yolei resisted cheering when Derek announced that he was leaving, and that she had better not follow him, or else she would suffer. She was quick to tell him that she had no intention of following him, and he slapped her, calling her an ungrateful bitch, among other things, before walking out the door for the last time.

Hmm, not bad for an Astronomical U- I mean, Alternate Universe Story. :hahaha;

OK, enough lame jokes. Here’s my serious opinion:

First of all, it has been written very well so far. You make Yolei’s pain very real. Of course, this being barely a set-up -if even that- we can’t really judge the story. But you certainly create in the reader a desire to know what happens to Yolei.

I must point out something, tho: rape -even the rape done in an abusive relationship- is ALWAYS a touchy subject. I’m not saying you can’t write about it here, or that such subjects should never be written about. Quite the opposite, fiction is a good way to help us understand and deal with them. But, you gotta be careful you don’t offend someone, or turn off your audience. I hope that incident remains a detail of Yolei’s life -thought obviously a defining one- and not a major focus of the story.

Good luck.