Sometimes you just need to bitch about something:

Hades_Vulvuhzela · January 29, 2008, 9:42am

The Gibson Les Paul:
<img src=“http://www.myguitarsolo.com/HowToBuy/les_paul.jpg”>

If you’re a guitarist you’ll know that this is probably the most legendary, sought after guitar in the world.

It sounds great. The engineering is flawless. The parts are all top-of-the-line. The neck is quick and narrow. The action is lower than a wankster’s jeans. The wood is from some secret guitar-wood-growing island with an unpronounceable name tucked away in the tropical Atlantic where it’s harvested by four foot pygmies who can sniff out only the finest trees, or something like that. A lot of rich and popular musicians swear by it.

So what’s my problem? What is there to bitch about? This:

<i>It’s ugly as fucking shit.</i>

I consider myself a pretty serious musician these days. I have a handful of people begging me to start bands with them. Metal bands. Prog-rock bands. Acoustic folk acts. These people are not just random teenage fuck-asses who want to “rock out.” They’re very good at what they do and I want to help them. I spend 5-6 hours a day writing music and words, mostly for myself so far, but it looks like some of these ideas might actually take off.

And to put it bluntly: It horrifies me that every top-of-the-line guitar looks like something out of the latest Gene Simmons create-a-rock-band shit-show.

I don’t want to be a rock star. I don’t want glam and groupies and backstage cocaine and ecstasy parties. I want to put on a class act. I kinda like Les Pauls. I like how versatile they are. I like how they sound. But their design needs to change in a big way if I’m ever going to carry one on stage.

So how do you make an LP more classy? I’ve come up with three very easy, very doable solutions:

Remove the pick guard. I’m sorry, but whoever decided to lay a big, clunky, triangular pick guard on a sleek, curvy guitar body is a shit head. I don’t know what else I can say. The hard line where the guard meets the pickups is sinful.
Lose the sunburst. Nothing says “I’m a stupid gaudy shit head” like a sunburst paint job. A very deep, dark color would be better. Something that looks more natural and draws less attention to the guitar. Something brownish or reddish. Nothing more outrageous than a deep blue.
Lose the rectangular fret inlays. Go for the classic dots or something else a little less conspicuous. If anyone’s going to be looking at your guitar, it’s probably going to be where your fretting hand is. So don’t have a disgracefully ugly fretboard.

Of course not ALL Les Pauls look like shit. There are some out there that are actually very close to what I’d want from a guitar, looks-wise. Like this one:

But they’re few and far between and their existence doesn’t justify the trashy look of the main line.

Conclusion: Les Pauls sound great and play great, but they look like shit and need to be redesigned. Over and out

Skankin_Garbage · January 29, 2008, 10:08am

A slightly easier option: Get an SG model.

And, no, not because they’re called SG.

Ramza · January 29, 2008, 11:36am

Maybe someday I’ll download your music Hades. Maybe someday…

Steve · January 29, 2008, 2:40pm

jesus hades even when i agree with you i can’t help but thing you’re an egotistical prick who needs to shut the fuck up

Gila-Monster · January 29, 2008, 4:17pm

I dunno, I rather like sunburst. Mind you the guitar you have as an example has a cherry burst, not a sunburst. I don’t think I’d get a guitar with cherryburst.

That’s a sunburst. It’s a lot more classic I find. Something that would go good on a strat.

As for Les Pauls themselves, yeah they’re good guitars. I don’t think I’d get one myself but they do have a great sound and feel which is what counts. As for SG’s… I’m not a fan of them. I’ve only played them a couple times… kind of a tinny feel. Maybe I’d have a different opinion on them now.

Crotanks · January 29, 2008, 4:43pm

I like that les paul.

Trillian · January 29, 2008, 11:11pm

I like my shiny black 'lectric Ibanez. It’s a cheapass one, but I <3 it anyway. :E

Silhouette2 · January 29, 2008, 11:16pm

I guess the letter didn’t get through to Gibson.

Mullenkamp · January 30, 2008, 12:07am

I think I’ll stick to my tuba. That always gets the chicks.

Hades_Vulvuhzela · January 30, 2008, 6:09am

I try

Cro: That’s actually not too bad. I’m loving the white fretboard.

Gila: That guitar’s pretty nice compared to a Les Paul, but that doesn’t make it classy. Cherryburst, Sunburst, whateverburst… I just don’t want bright yellows and oranges on my guitar in such a big way. That guitar is too much of a rock show guitar for me.

Trill: John Petrucci uses Ibanez guitars and he’s widely considered the best guitarist in the world Of course his are probably high high end, but still

SG: Your guitars look pretty cool I likem

Sil: Guess not

Crotanks · January 30, 2008, 11:06am

Zakk Wylde Custom Camo

Rigmarole · January 30, 2008, 1:57pm

Bangs head against wall Surely not the best composer or the guit-player with the best technique. By the way, Satriani also plays Ibanez. Though it’s more important* what you play than with what you play.

*That’s not to say one could discern the notes of a chord played on my original cheapo Yamaha.

Hades_Vulvuhzela · January 30, 2008, 2:22pm

Hey I never said I thought Petrucci was the best But a lot of people do

Ramza · January 30, 2008, 3:06pm

I like Satriani the most

Silhouette2 · January 30, 2008, 5:24pm

Steve Hackett plays a Les Paul.

DrBubonic · January 31, 2008, 8:04am

I agree. Les Pauls are hideous.

And SG’s are even more hideous. I’m not a fan of them. I don’t like how they look. I don’t like how they feel. I don’t like anything about them. But for some strange reason i like the SG body style when applied to a bass.

But I’m plenty happy with my 86 Kramer.