Shining force fic... Hopefully better than my other fics...

Unnamed at the moment but here it is:

“Egress!” shouted the brown haired man in armour, gripping a green-blue sword stuck in the back of a black three headed dragon. The people around the dragon dissappeared, dwarves, a white haired wolf, humans, a silver dragon and others in the mix. The man however, did not.

The brown haired man and a white robot speak to a farmer. The words are unheard as they talk on the farm.

“The force sword…” mutters Bowie, his blonde hair damp with sweat, sitting up. He looks around him, the wooden ceiling above the simple room with a bed and a cabinet, before finally remembering he had come to speak to Chaz, who now lived in the house formally belonging to his father. Bowie was there to speak the wizard about the court wizardship, having not seen him much in the past twenty years since they defeated Zeon. Ten years after that, Bowie had become king, making visits like this almost impossible. So Bowie was here to ask Chaz to become court wizard, as Sir Astral had just wandered into the wild, seen by noone. Kazin would have been the perfect choice, but he and Sarah had wandered into East Parmecia. Tyrin had dissappeared, so Chaz was left.

Bowie climbs out of bed, the white bedclothes hanging from his lean, muscular frame. The wooden cottage floor creaks under his bare feet as he slowly walks to the cabinet where his clothes lay.

“Goodbye Bowie, and I wish you a safe journey home!” shouts Chaz, as Bowie walks towards the hill in the horizon. The now aged wizard begins to walk inside his house.

Bowie walks down the hill, the cottage disappearing behind him.
“Defencive positions!” hears Bowie, the familiar voice of his friend Jaha, now captain of the Granseal armies, ordering his soldiers. Bowie saw the soldiers and their opponents, some bandits, some three minutes run from him. Bowie slides the Force Sword as the bandits crash against the better trained soldiers. By the time he reaches them, the soldiers were already surrounding the remaining bandits. Bowie dives into the bandits, swinging his holy sword in wide arcs, slaying most of the remaining bandits. Then a bandits smashes Bowie around the head, knocking him to the ground. Bowie’s conciousness dissappears in seconds.

He is in a cave, a creature infront of him. The creatures face, white skinned with red eyes and white pupils. White hair hangs from it’s head, it’s body covered in red fair, metal like rings around it’s wrists and ankles, bare pink skin on it’s hands.

“I am Mawlock… Master of the cards…” says the creature, in an almost human voice.
“What are you? Is this a dream?” asks Bowie.
“I cannot reveal what I am, for I was left somewhere… And yes, this is a dream… I have brought you into the dream world because I need your help…”

Will post more soon…

“My help? Why do you need my help?” asks Bowie, his hand drifting to where his sword would have been, had this not been a dream.
“You must deliver the Chaos Breaker that your Great Uncle Max once used.”
“Chaos… Breaker?” wonders Bowie.
“The sword you wield… Do you not call it the Chaos Breaker?”
“You mean the Force Sword!”
“Right… Whatever… Anyway, You must deliver it to a place known as Runefaust.”
“Why?” asks the Hero.
“Because in killing Zeon, you released his energies to be used for something much more benevolent,” replies the wize creature.
“But… But… But…” stutters Bowie, wondering about what he had done in killing Zeon.
“Don’t worry. The first part of the journey shall be simple. You must take the passage the ancients left, which connects the continents of Grans and Parmecia…”
“Aye, I know the tunnel of which you speak.”
“Anyway, Once you reach Parmecia, head to the birdman village of Bedoe. I shall contact you again…”
“But…” begins Bowie, but he isn’t given time to finish, as he awakes to being shaken by Jaha.

“Wake up Bowie!” shouts Jaha, his warriors having utterly destroyed the bandits.
“I’m up, I’m up…” replies the young hero turned king.
Jaha helps Bowie up and asks, “You alright?”
“Aye, let’s get back to Granseal, I’ve got a journey to plan…”

Several days later, Bowie is finally prepared for his journey. He brings with him the Force Sword, his old adventuring equipment, and through all his complaints, his wife, the Beautiful Princess Elis, insisted on him taking Jaha with him.
So the pair, two warriors, began the journey by slipping out of Granseal.

“Well your highness, 'tis good to have you lads here…” says the porter, walking them through the thriving city of Galam.
“It’s good to be here as well but i’m afraid we must move straight on, northward into the ancient tunnel,” replies Bowie.
“Damn, the king was hoping you’d stay for a while…” says the porter, changing their course to the back gate.

Nice so far, but a few little problems. The first is that things seem to jump around a little too much. there was no transition between Bowie waking up and then attacking the bandits. He never really left the house so to say. I would also suggest putting three ‘*’ in the middle of the line separating Max from Bowie at the beginning. Now, for the part that may contain spoilers.


Now, most important of all to me, lemon shouldn’t be alive. He died pulling zeon back into his seal. On that same note, zeon didn’t die, but he was released for a moment, so you could say that for the little while that he touched the world his evil energies escaped or something like that. I also wonder if the force sword is the same as the chaos breaker. This is becuase of a little theory I have, that if max got away, his sword had to stay to seal dark dragon. So that would mean that the sword is in the city of the ancients (I think that’s the place) and if anybody ever withdrew it they would release dark dragon. …hey, that’s a good fanfic idea. but anyway, the fanfic’s good, but a little off. unless they changed things drastically in the remake

The force sword IS the chaos breaker, In the Japan only game, Final Conflict, King Galam renamed it. And Max had it there.

There is no lemon… And an extra bit on the first part…
And thanks Pink for pointing that out.
And technically, the whole story contains spoilers.

better now. and sorry bout my comments oin the force sword then, didn’t play that japanese game.

Neither did I… I read a script… Here.

Short update…

The pair march out of Galam around 10 minutes after entering the city.
“Well Bowie, where now?” asks Jaha, as they march across the wooded plain.
“First to the Dwarves, to get Gyan, then onto the tunnel,” replies Bowie, following behind Jaha.
“Why do we need Gyan?!” exclaims Jaha.
“’Cause the Dwarves guard the tunnel and will only let someone with Gyan or their chief’s permission through,” replies the blonde king of Granseal.

“So I must go across the great sea, to the land of Parmecia?” asks the large silver dragon, looking questionably at Mawlock.
“Yes. The Chaos Breaker is in the hands of Max’s great nephew and we need it back to Runefaust as soon as possible.”
“Ok, ok, ok…” mutters the dragon, stretching his large feathered wings out. The great dragon springs from ground, taking flight above the city of the children Rudo, and heading north.
“Godspeed, Dragon…” mutters Mawlock, as he disappears.

The creature reappears floating on the water in the ring reef.
“DOMINGO!” shouts Mawlock, looking for the magically creature.
A white shape with bluey-black tentacles emerges from the water and looks curiously at Mawlock, as it says, “Domingo?”
“Gah… VAS IN POR YELM!” chants Mawlock.
“I can speak…” mutters Domingo, before asking, “What are you here for?”
“I need you to gather the skull of Chaos, Ramaladu’s Mace and the cards of fate, which I sealed away. These shall be needed…” orders Mawlock before fading away.
“Ok…” mutters the jellyfish like creature, beginning the long swim to the continent.

“Something is stirring…” mutters the rat man.
“You think Slade?” squeaks the helmet wearing tortoise behind him.
“It is Kiwi. I feel it in my bones…” replies Slade, turning around and beginning the short run to Tristan, and as he leaves, he says, “We must head to Bedoe, or we may never see Bowie again.

More Domingo stuff and Mawlock gets to fight!

Domingo emerges from the sea and slowly floats along the water towards the cliffs blocking the way towards the town of Prompt.

“Hey! What’s that?!” grunts the man, seeing a white headed, jellyfish thing floating towards the town.
“It’s like the thing which travelled with Max and my mother…” replies the dog woman, standing in the midst of the crowd.
“You sure Tarin?” asks the soldier, watching as Domingo floats towards them.
“Yes,” replies the mage, as Domingo stops in front of them.
“I must speak to the king… It is urgent…” asks Domingo.
“Are you not Domingo, the magical creature?” asks Tarin, thinking back to her mother’s stories.
“I am, and you look like the mage, Alef, are you related to her?”
“She was my mother, and if you’ll just follow me, I’ll take you to the king,” says Tarin, leading towards the Prompt castle.

“So you need my permission to go through the tunnel?” asks Gyan, stroking his long, brown, flowing beard.
“Yes,” replies Bowie, leaning back in the chair.
“You may use it, old friend, although I know not your purpose,” says Gyan, standing up and shouting to a younger dwarf in a different tounge.
Bowie and Jaha stand up and slowly leave the room, heading for the blacksmith’s room.

“Farewell Bowie! Goodbye Jaha!” shouts Gyan, as Bowie, with some dwarven crafted armour and Jaha, with a mithril axe and sword, slowly leave the village, off into the horizon.
“Those pair ‘ill get themselves killed…” mutters Gyan, returning to his work.

Mawlock appears in front of a mountain shrine, slowly approaching it.
Suddenly, something behind him roars. As he spins around, he is thrown off his feet by a behemoth’s heavy fist.
“Oof… Copy! Alef!” shouts Mawlock, holding the dog wizard’s card in the air as it glows with him.

Mawlock springs up as the card disappears. “Eat lightning, Behemoth!” shouts Mawlock, lightning springing from his claws and striking the creature. The behemoth roars as it’s fur is burned. Mawlock continuously throws lightning at the creature till it finally falls to the ground, much of it’s fur burned. Mawlock turns around without a glance and enters the temple.

Wow, you’ve really improved :slight_smile: My only suggestion is to watch how dialogue-heavy it seems to be so far. Maybe use indirect speech to cover some areas and add variation to the prose, and more description would plump it up a lot. But, it really is tonnes better than your last fics - I’m glad to see you kept working at it ^^

Necropost… with an update…

Mawlock walks through the temple hall warily, as his feet leaving footprints in the dust. He finally reaches the door to the main room, and pushes the heavy stone door inwards, then walks into the room. He looks around at the bare room, then at the pedestal where a glowing crystal sat. He walks slowly towards it, then grips it with two hands, letting it’s energy flow through him.
“Max? Are you there?” he thinks questioningly.
“Mawlock… It must be a dire emergency for you to use the crystal…” comes the reply.
“Zeon’s dead… He shall rise soon,” thinks Mawlock at the far away figure within his mind’s eye.
“I see. Ian, Myself and Kain shall make our way to Runefaust… Is the current weilder of the Breaker ready?” replies the voice within Mawlock’s mind.
“As ready as he’ll ever be…” replies Mawlock before replacing the crystall and disappearing.

Domingo and Tarin approach the King of Prompt, as he sits on his throne. The king asks, “Who or what is that Tarin?”
“He is Domingo… A friend of Max and my mother…” replies Tarin.
“I see… Why is he here?” questions the king.
“I am here because I seek passage to Mephta…” answers Domingo, floating there.
“Passage to Mephta! Throw them in jail! And make sure that Idiot Boken isn’t hanging around!” shouts the King as soldiers approach Tarin and Domingo, and drag them off to the dungeon.

Bowie and Jaha exit the tunnel into the bright light of Parmecia.
“Ah… Not far now Bowie,” says Jaha, starting off towards the town of the birdmen.
“Wait up Jaha!” shouts Bowie, jogging after his friend.

“Well this is just great…” exclaims Domingo.
“It isn’t my fault the King’s a moron…” replies Tarin, sighing.
Suddenly, a guard crashes down the stairs, followed by a giant of a man with a bald head, wearing worn travel clothes and a large backpack on his back.
“Domingo… Why the hell are you here?” exclaimed the man, smashing the door lock with his bare fist.
“Gong! We need to get to Mephta! Quickly!” exclaims Domingo, floating out of the cell.
“I heard. We’d best be going then,” replies Gong, leading them up the stairs.