Given that Putin’s in charge? Fuck no.
Alright. This is over. Hades, Eden, don’t stir up shit. Consider yourselves warned.
Fortunately, Stanley Kubrick already wrote the proper answer to these ravings, all the way back in 1964.
Mandrake:
Do I take it, sir, that you are threatening a brother officer with a gun?
Vanguard Ziggy:
Mandrake, I suppose it never occurred to you that while we’re chatting here so enjoyably, a decision is being made by the President and the Joint Chiefs in the war room at the Pentagon. And when they realize there is no possibility of recalling the wing, there will be only one course of action open: total committment.
Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenzo once said about war?
Mandrake:
No. I don’t think I do sir, no.
Vanguard Ziggy:
He said war was to important to be left to the Generals. When he said that, fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
Vanguard Ziggy:
(through his cigar) Mandrake,
Mandrake:
Yes, Vanguard Ziggy?
Vanguard Ziggy:
Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?
Mandrake:
Well, no I… I can’t say I have, Vanguard Ziggy.
Vanguard Ziggy:
Vodka. That’s what they drink, isn’t it? Never water?
Mandrake:
Well I… I believe that’s what they drink, Vanguard Ziggy. Yes.
Vanguard Ziggy:
On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.
Mandrake:
Oh, ah, yes. I don’t quite… see what you’re getting at, Vanguard Ziggy.
Vanguard Ziggy:
Water. That’s what I’m getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth’s surface is water. Why, you realize that… seventy percent of you is water.
Mandrake:
Uhhh God…
Vanguard Ziggy:
And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids.
Mandrake:
Yes. (chuckles nervously)
Vanguard Ziggy:
You beginning to understand?
Mandrake:
Yes. (chuckles) (begins laughing/crying quietly)
Vanguard Ziggy:
Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?
Mandrake:
Well it did occur to me, Vanguard Ziggy, yes.
Vanguard Ziggy:
Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?
Mandrake:
Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Vanguard Ziggy. Yes.
Vanguard Ziggy:
Well do you now what it is?
Mandrake:
No. No, I don’t know what it is. No.
Vanguard Ziggy:
Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?
(Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.)
Vanguard Ziggy:
Two can play at this game soldier!
(more rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead desk lamp.)
Vanguard Ziggy:
That’s nice shooting, soldier! (Vanguard Ziggy produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk.) Mandrake! Come here!
Mandrake:
You calling me, Vanguard Ziggy?
Vanguard Ziggy:
Just come over here and help me with this belt.
Mandrake:
(prone on couch) I ah, I haven’t had very much experience, you know, with those… sort of machines, Vanguard Ziggy. I only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire.
Vanguard Ziggy:
Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come here and feed me this belt, boy!
Mandrake:
Vanguard Ziggy, I’d love to come. But, what’s happened, you see, is the string in my leg’s gone.
Vanguard Ziggy:
The what?
Mandrake:
The string. I never told you, but, you see, I’ve got a gammy leg. Oh dear. Gone. Shot off.
Vanguard Ziggy:
(Karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action.) Mandrake, come over here. The Red Coats are coming. Come on!
Mandrake:
(laughs) Vanguard Ziggy, don’t you think we’d be better off in some other part of the room, away from all this flying glass?
Vanguard Ziggy:
Ah, naah. We’re ok here. Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridated water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake. Children’s ice cream?
Mandrake:
Good Lord.
Vanguard Ziggy:
You know when fluoridation first began?
Mandrake:
No. No, I don’t, Vanguard Ziggy. No.
Vanguard Ziggy:
Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That’s the way your hard core commie works.
Mandrake:
Vanguard Ziggy… Vanguard Ziggy, listen, tell me, ah… when did you first become, well, develop this theory.
Vanguard Ziggy:
Well, I ah, I I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.
Mandrake:
(sighs fearfully)
Vanguard Ziggy:
Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of essence.
Mandrake:
Yes…
Vanguard Ziggy:
I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women… women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence.
Mandrake:
Heh heh… yes.