Review please

The Core Media Forum
1

I’m putting this up for my coursework so it’s worth about 10% of my final exam mark, and I was wondering if I could have some opinions on my first couple of paragraphs.

Bite the Bullet:
The Jack Stone Story

Author’s Notes: Okay, this does contain what I like to call Bullet Wound violence, and also a level of profanity equal to that of which I believe is a realistic level for an over-stressed police department. I do realise that this may lose me marks, but I’ll be damned if I mutilate my characters in the name of point scoring, however I personally feel that a realistic level of profanity strengthens a story, note the operative word being realistic, I don’t use characters that use curse every second word, I use characters that use profanity in situations where an average human would swear. I mean come on, there’s a sick killer on the loose, he murders your wife, what are you likely to say when you discover her corpse? I know what I’d say and I’m pretty sure it isn’t for the ears of Timmy the timid ten year old.

 I awoke to the usual Saturday morning throbbing in his temples. I reached around and tried to get up, hearing the phone ring. I couldn’t get up, my head hurt too much.

“Hey Bill! Bill ya lazy bum! Get the phone!” I yelled at my young assistant, but Bill thankfully for him, was out cold, spared from my scalding.
The phone stopped ringing, and at that moment I knew he was screwed.
J.C Denton was not a nice man. In fact he was an evil man, unless of course you held out a check with at least four zero’s; then he was your best friend. But when you walk into work three hours late, he is most certainly not your friend. And from the moment I walked into work I knew he was not a happy bunny.
“STONE! YOU SEE THAT CLOCK? HUH? YOU SEE IT? IT SAYS TWELVE THIRTY! WORK STARTS AT NINE!” I begin to mumble an apology, but it was silenced.
And this is how the officially worst day of my life began. I had pissed off the chief, not a good start anyway but I had a damn hangover too. Of course this is not where it ended….as if it actually ever did end there.
“Stone, we got a new murderer in town; wise-guy thinks he can pull shit like this.”
He handed me a photo of a corpse, and not your average one at that, it was almost unrecognisable from that of a human being, it was mutilated, I could even swear there I could see through the body’s chest.
“Holy shit. Chief we got any leads?” J.C was a well-informed guy, so I did expect something.
“Nothing, this guy is new, nobody knows anything at all about him, that’s what scares me, usually my guys always have something, but this guy… this guy, he’s a mystery.”
I examined the photo once more, it was a chilling sight, something you do not want to see when you have a hangover, or at all in fact.
“Let me guess Chief, you want me on the case?” J.C smiled that annoying know-it-all smile, the one he always uses just to piss me off,
“Of course, you’re a lazy asshole Jack, but you’re the best damn detective we have, so I want you and that boy of yours to get moving, first up get your ass down to the coroner, I have a friend who says he might have some info for you.”

Thanks.

2

I may have used swear words, but I didn’t, I mean, Squall came to the edge once or twice.

It’s nice, y’know, if you can get it to be a cool one, it’ll be great.

3

Nitpick:

I yelled at my young assistant, but Bill thankfully for him, was out cold, spared from my scalding.
>Look over your use of commas here, try reading it out loud and listen what it sounds like. I think you should think “but Bill thankfully for him, was out cold, spared…”. The tempo becomes a little jittery.

I begin to mumble an apology, but it was silenced.
>Hopping from present to past tense.

where it ended….as if it actually ever did end there.
>One too many periods and there should be a space between … and the next word.

He handed me a photo of a corpse, and not your average one at that, it was almost unrecognisable from that of a human being, it was mutilated, I could even swear there I could see through the body’s chest.
>Sentence is way too long, I start getting confused halfway through. Try to cut it in at least two.

Chief we got any leads?
>I’m not sure about this, it could pass as an accent. But “We got any leads, chief?” sounds a bit more natural.

“Nothing, this guy is new, nobody knows anything at all about him, that’s what scares me, usually my guys always have something, but this guy… this guy, he’s a mystery.”
>Try to cut this one up too, it’s also a bit long. Same with the one that comes next. Try to avoid using too many commas, be a little bit more sharing with the periods. As a thumb rule, try to use max two commas in the same sentence under normal circumstances.

just to piss me off,
>Period, not comma.

The last line is also a bit long. There, now I’ve beaten you into the mud with details, but this looks like a great start of a story. And it’s those golden details that you can get better grades on for doing well so…
One more thing, could you describe the chief a bit more? He’s right in front of the leading char but I can’t see him.

4

Thanks, let us hope my English teacher is as merciful as you two :slight_smile:

5

I’ll be rooting for ya :wink:

6

Ok I redid this a bit, comments please. Especially from you Weiila! :slight_smile:

Bite the Bullet:
The Jack Stone Story

Chapter One: The Reaper And The Stone

Author’s Notes: Okay, this does contain what I like to call Bullet Wound violence, and also a level of profanity equal to that of which I believe is a realistic level for an over-stressed police department. I do realise that this may lose me marks, but I’ll be damned if I mutilate my characters in the name of point scoring, however I personally feel that a realistic level of profanity strengthens a story, note the operative word being realistic, I don’t use characters that use curse every second word, I use characters that use profanity in situations where an average human would swear. I mean come on, there’s a sick killer on the loose, he murders your wife, what are you likely to say when you discover her corpse? I know what I’d say and I’m pretty sure it isn’t for the ears of Timmy the timid ten year old.

  I awoke to the usual Saturday morning throbbing in his temples. I reached around and tried to get up, hearing the phone ring. I couldn’t get up, my head hurt too much.

“Hey Bill! Bill ya lazy bum! Get the phone!” I yelled at my young assistant, but Bill thankfully for him, was out cold, spared from my scalding.
The phone stopped ringing, and at that moment I knew he was screwed.
J.C Denton was not a nice man. In fact he was an evil man, unless of course you held out a check with at least four zero’s; then he was your best friend. But when you walk into work three hours late, he is most certainly not your friend. And from the moment I walked into work I knew he was not a happy bunny.
“STONE! YOU SEE THAT CLOCK? HUH? YOU SEE IT? IT SAYS TWELVE THIRTY! WORK STARTS AT NINE!” I began to mumble an apology, but it was silenced.
And this is how the officially worst day of my life began. I had pissed off the chief, not a good start anyway but I had a damn hangover too. Of course this is not where it ended… as if it actually ever did end there.
And the Chief was not someone to piss off. An ageing overweight smoker with streaks of grey, that was J.C Denton, and so we usually figured he had enough problems, not as if we tried to get him angry that is.
“Stone, we got a new murderer in town; wise-guy thinks he can pull shit like this.”
He handed me a photo of a corpse, and not your average one at that, it was almost unrecognisable from that of a human being, it was mutilated, I could even swear there I could see through the body’s chest.
“Holy shit. We got any leads chief?” J.C was a well-informed guy, so I did expect something.
“Nothing, this guy is new, nobody knows anything at all about him, that’s what scares me, usually my guys always have something, but this guy… this guy, he’s a mystery.”
I examined the photo once more, it was a chilling sight, something you do not want to see when you have a hangover, or at all in fact.
“Let me guess Chief, you want me on the case?” J.C smiled that annoying know-it-all smile, the one he always uses just to piss me off.
“Of course, you’re a lazy asshole Jack, but you’re the best damn detective we have, so I want you and that boy of yours to get moving, first up get your ass down to the coroner, I have a friend who says he might have some info for you.”
And so I grabbed my young partner Bill and set off for the coroner.
“How do ya feel about all this Bill? Your first case, and it’s a sick murderer. Gotta be tough.” I turned to the boy, and he was little more than that; a fresh twenty-five years old, damn, he was too young for shit like this.
“I…don’t know Jack, but we’ll catch him right? They say you’re the best, Jack!”
I could see the enthusiasm in his young eyes, and it made me chuckle a bit.
“I don’t know about best, but I’m a damn good detective. And I am gonna catch this guy if it’s the last thing I do.”
And so we reached the coroner, and met with the chief’s ‘friend’. His name was Marty, he was the head of the place, seemed like a nice guy.
“So, what is the cause of death?” As if looking at the picture wasn’t enough to guess.
“Well, that’s the funny thing; you see I know how this looks, but this person died of asphyxiation.” I couldn’t believe it.
“You’re telling me, this guy choked this person to death then mutilated the corpse?”
I looked at Marty, into those eyes, was he hiding something?
“Yes, I know it’s strange, but those are the facts. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?” Of course there was nothing else, but what could I do?

7

;_;