-just because I wanted to.
Not a lot of people saw/commented on it the first time around- and this was before any of the Second Great Deletion. So without further ado- my really bizarre story/thing/huh-
“Study of the Truth and How it Affects the People and Citizens”
Sometimes I wondered if salmonella was the Truth, but
the purest weebil is inside of the walrus. Truth is quite a simple
concept which parents the ideas of Democracy, Communism, and
Fascism. Those who are thirsty drink. But many people who are thirsty ignore their instincts, wither, and die. And then there are those who drink too much and go mad. I still wonder to myself why I still survive to this day. But, of course, this all goes back to the Truth. If you really think about it, the Vials are the first and purest Elements of the Truth. There are four Vials: The Vial of Orange, The Vial of Leather, The Vial of Hydrogen, and the Vial of Boots. There is also rumoured to be a fifth Element: The Vial of Gray, but its probably complete bunk. Collapse them together, and watch as the Truth is revealed.
The Vial of Orange is the most eccentric of the four Vials. Inside is a single Grape, which has the power of Orange. Logically, all those who gaze upon this Vial go mad- especially those who are worse off than Them. Decomposition occurs infrequently, but when it happens you must not disobey the Plastic. If and only if the Vial is one of the Sacred Four, I would suggest that you not commercialize the Bottles. According to the Book of Orange, Bottles are most holy, but nobody believes the Priests of Orange whom also believe in things such as Oxygen, Love, and Panthers. It is the popular belief (and mine as well) that Love does not exist. Only Lust exists, and it is uncontrollable. This is especially true in the androgynous. Most people find the Vial of Leather to be very practical. Inside the Vial is (of course) a Penny in Brine. The Penny isn't as sacred as Leather, but since most believe that true Leather is mythological, a Penny is the most logical substitute. If you decide to breed, you must fill out the forms and wait in line. Your partner will be with you shortly. This is Leather, which holds the Plastic as the holiest thing. As was said, Priests of Leather are quite sensible, as they know that bumblebees cannot fly and that gravity is not only in existence but it is our very governing force. I personally agree very much with the Vial of Leather- and in fact donate frequently to the Church of Leather. But I am still impartial, all of the Vials are important. The Vial of Hydrogen, although important, is certainly the most Evil of the four. Inside of the Vial of Hydrogen is Tears, which are quite disgusting in themselves. Those who shed tears die, and the Government has the Vial of Hydrogen collect these vile creations. Flight is very much false, and there were never widows. Marriage is outlawed because they are impossible. Do not reduce what cannot be increased, so says the butter. Even viler (indeed, a “pun,” quite humerous do you not think?), is that the Vial of Hydrogen holds Emotion at the holiest. There is no Emotion except in Madmen. Those who are Priests of Hydrogen are all unstable anarchists. They believe that the Beasts should not be killed, even though they are clearly evil. Therefore Priests of Hydrogen are all evil. To contrast, the epitome of all that is Good is the Vial of Boots. Of course, Blood is what is inside the Vial of Boots, as Blood is the most sacred thing of them all bar one thing. Sometimes I feel that my feet itch too much, and so I annoint them. But this does nothing but agitate them further, causing them to become perturbed. The most Good of the Vial of Boots is, of course, the Flesh. The Priests of Boots pick random volunteers from the pews and ask a Donation of Flesh and Blood. This happens but once a year. A brave woman or her baby is usually the Donation, although some of the stringier but brave men can Donate as well. They crusade against the Beast, and therefore are the Ultimate Good. Would you ever say that the Vial of Gray is real? I say that it is not, but there is a cult based off of them as well. They believe that the Vial is filled with Nothing. Of course, we all know there is no thing that is Nothing. The door is chasing us all, and is unwilling to renege when I ask for oil. Sometimes it is best to keep your own oil, anyway, because you may need it. The supposed lost Holy Relic of the Gray is The Void. Althought The Void sounds wonderful, it is nonexistent. I cannot respect those who worship The Void and speak of Nothing all day. They are frequent Donors in the Church of Boots, although, fortunately, it is mostly involuntary. The oddest part about the Priests of Gray is that they wish to fight The Void by appeasing it. Although I do not believe in The Void, I see folly in fighting it, for when it arrives everything will surely be wonderful. They are also the only Priests who do not follow a set code (besides the Priests of Orange, but they are clearly mad), which is quite unsettling to me. Now, the Rumour says that the Truth will be attained when the Four (or Five, depending on whether you are Gray or not) all combine. The Grays igonore this, and the Oranges don’t care, while the Hydrogens fight vehemently against this Harmony. They do not understand. We must Synthesize, and as we become One we shall become true Individuals. The only way for us to attain Harmony is to force them all into cooperating, which is most unfortunate. And so I will tell you now why the Truth is so easy to attain. Follow the seltzer into the mirror, and you will try to sell it. But if you touch the mirror, it does not ripple, for that is logic. You cannot go through a mirror, but the mirror can go through you. Beware. And so you will take the Grape, the Penny, the Tears, and the Blood, and you shall intone the Words and all will become One. Of course, all that have done so have supposedly gone to the Void, and so it was only a personal pleasure rather than a collective one. This means they were evil. The Void must be shared, and so I will now perform my Experiment with my four willing Priests. When I untie them, they will each invoke that is what is most Holy to them, and I will intone the words, “Sliknaza, fornicas, malevola ferin. Kakkir remora hill fall salmon catch to cold pharmacudical chemistry miercolan fortida sembli!” And we shall see the End. I am quite excited, and so I cannot wait any longer. Let the experiments begin.
Professor Cunningham- Doctor of Truth