Bored, so I thought I’d see what shape, form, or fashion of feedback I’d receive on some of my poetry. I may try to post another every couple days or so, but anywho… Guess I’ll start with the most recent…
<b><u><i>The Damnation</i></u></b>
The darkness is calling
The damnation of my soul.
Death’s hell is falling,
While the bridge of life takes its toll.
The wicked slave’s deception,
His voice bleeds infection.
The pure master’s affection
Sheds the light of his reflection.
The damnation of my soul
Plays the wicked voice in my head.
The darkness won’t reach its goal,
Until the day that I am dead.
Death’s angel’s calling
Upon the meager faith set in my head.
My world just keeps falling,
For this day that I’m now dead.
Well, seeing you post a poem prompted me to write one of my own based on a little excursion of mine last night, so.
Yeah. Cool. Keep it up man.
Reads like a metal song (reminds me of the Slayer songs my brother’s usually thundering out of his CD player).
I have always been a fan of employing line repetition and line semi-repetition to emphasize an image and/or illuminate where stanzas start and end. So yeah, I like seeing that you did that.
Kaiser, actually I hear that singing, slow and melancholy, in my head when I read it. I sometimes sing it aloud to myself.
Most of my poems are rather dark in some shape, form, or fashion.
And I’m not fond of not rhyming, so yeah, 'course they rhyme…
Guess I’ll throw my next one up, which oddly, I hear Mike Shinoda, of Linkin Park, kinda rapping this one… Oh, and I’ll let you try to figure out the content matter.
<b><u><i>The Green Line</i></u></b>
It goes up and down,
Straight down and up.
The blood flows through,
Like a bottomless cup.
The world’s so dizzy,
And the haze so thick.
I’ve come to realize
That this is not a trick.
The pain so hot,
And the light so cool.
I wonder if to resist it
Is to be the fool.
It goes up and down,
Straight down and up.
The green line turns right,
And now my time is up.
It’s well written, it’s dark, it’s cool AND it rhymes! What more could you want form a poem.
