Sup y’all. Phatty Beatz here, honorary phD from the skewl of gettin’ dat azz shakin’ on da FLO’. I’m back for this week’s edition of Phatty Beatz Presents The Newz U Want to KNOW, but first, I gots a personal story for all ya gentlemen and ho’s out there in the audience.
As y’all probably know, Phatty Beatz loves his PHAT AZZ MOTHA FUCKIN BEATZ. He also likes his subway sandwiches. Man, I loved dat tasty shit before all you white boys and ho’s got your wimpy azz chicken teriyaki sweet onion on parmesan oregano 100% whole wheat 12-grain bread, served with a side of dollar billz earned from the blood and sweat of my cotton pickin’ brothuhs. So I’m all hittin’ up the subway down in my hood [Ed Note: Portland, Oregon] and I’m all up and orderin’ my wich, and I tell dat ho behind da counter “yo babe, put some of the BBQ all up on my shit,” then I winked at her and flashed my BLING BLING all up in dat shit, and yeah, she was totally ‘bout to invite me back for a little BBQ of our own, but then this fuckin’ white boy behind me comes outta nowhere and he’s all like “what?? since when can you get barbecue sauce on a subway sandwich?” Oh, that shit was IT, let me tell you bitches. I looked over at that goddamn preppy ass little bitch, and I was like “you know what you fuckin’ preppy ass, Beaverton shit sucker, get tha FUCK outta here ‘fore I shove that BBQ sauce so far up yo’ azz, that shit’ll be turning your blonde-ass white-boy hair red.” Then I punched him in the ballz and I went and fucked that little bitch waitress up the goddamn poop chute.
So yeah, y’all, now that Phatty’s got that shit off his chest, it’s time to get down to the B-ness. This last week has been a pretty crazy one my bitches. I’m sure y’all heard of them elections down there in Iraq. The news don’t rarely reach down here in the hood [Ed Note: Portland, Oregon], cause all my negroes be tearin’ those papers up lookin’ for the Circuit City and KFC ads. But even this shit got here, and Phatty has got all the latest occurences on file. The Iraqis went out to vote in much bettah than expected numbers, over 50% of the eligible voting populace! That shit sounds like a hell of a party. Crazy thing is, they held the vote on a SUNDAY. A SUNDAY. Now, I ain’t totally one hundred per CENT sure, but I think all ya gentlemen and ho’s can agree with phatty here that a Sunday vote was the worst idea ever. Why ya be saying that Phatty? Sunday is the day of rest, right. Ya god damn right it is, bitches! How many of y’all can say you’d even wake up on Sunday before those polls closed at 5? That’s right none of ya. Cause like me, you were out all night before, tearin’ up those phatty azz motha fuckin’ beatz, drinkin’, and sexin’ like a crazed dolphin. Yeah, y’all know Dolphins be crazy fuckers right? They do that shit all the time. Those bitches are okay in Phatty’s book.
So Yeahz, I’m sure by now y’all seen <a href=“http://www.stoplandmines.org/slm/index.html”>this shit</a> by now. This shit been the talk of the town all week. Just be clickin’ up all over that shit in your internet explorer bitches. Phatty’s got all your tech needz covered! Now I dunno ‘bout you, but first time I saw this shit, I was like "god damn! thatz the best new motha fuckin’ eXtreme sport i’ve ever seen!" I got on the phone and called up my agent and I was like “yo you mutha fuckin’ white-ass, whipin-your-ass-with-twenties bitch, get me all up on this goddamn landmine soccer shit! I want tickets to the next 80 games.” Man he just hung up on me. Come on y’all, even Phatty can make a mistake sometimez. Yeahz, apparently this is some crazy adverty being all like “land minez are bad k” Yeah like Phatty didn’t already know that shit. Fuck the goddamn white media, thinkin all us brothuhs too stupid to know somethin’ basic like that. God damn, I tellz ya sometime. But ya know what else I be tellin’ ya bitches? Soccer could use some goddamn landmines if y’all be askin’ me. I watched one of these damn games once on ESPN12 for like 4 minutez, and there weren’t even a single fuckin’ score. Shit can’t even compare to my hoodz and the fuckin’ b-ball. God damn european fagz and their lame-azz “sportz” Did y’all know they called soccer football over there? Fuckin’ disgrace I tellz ya. It’z bad enough they gave us the fuckin’ spice girlz, now they be mockin’ my bros out there on the gridiron. Fuckin’ euro trash bitches. I bring all there asses over and knock some goddamn PHATTY AZZ BEATZ all up in their headz.
So yeah, y’all. Time for Phatty’s Muzik review of the week! Shit bitches, I can see y’all just skipped down here anyway, so here ya go, ya lazy fuckz. This week I’ll be reviewin’ Allison Krauss’ “Lonely Runs Both Ways.” Check this fat azz shit out y’all. This is the straightest damn bluegrass swank y’all bitches in the hood ever heard, I swearz to that.
Now, let me tellz ya, any album that’s got 4 guys and a ho on the cover sends a little signal of AWESOMENESS up in my spine. It’s a sign of quality. Fuck that don’t judge a book by it’s cover shit. When the cover of your god damn book says “GANGBANG inside”, y’all bitchez gonna be judgin’ all OVER That shit, I swearz to that. So yeah, y’all probably be wonderin’ hey phatty, this shit ain’t no phatty beatz. Well to that I say sit the fuck down and listen for a second ya goddamn closed-minded idgit! This shit is soul. Just check out these song titles. “My Poor Old Heart” and “Doesn’t Have to Be Like This.” This shit speakz from the SOUL man. Y’all be goin’ out and expandin’ your damn horizonz now, Phatty demandz it!
Phatty Beatz give this shit: 2/10.
Ha! Dumbasses thought I was bein’ serious didn’t ya? Stupid fucks. This shit can suck my azz. I never even listened to this white-boy honky-tonk, slave-owner oppression shit. Just check out this ho.
That bitch doesn’t need soul. She needs a goddamn vibrator. Fuck her.
Phatty out y’all. Keep it real. Here’s some wordz of wisdom for ya from my man snoop:
When I met you last night baby
Before you opened up your gap
I had respect for ya lady
But now I take it all back
Cause you gave me all your pussy
And ya even licked my balls
Leave your number on the cabinet
And I promise baby, I’ll give ya a call
Next time I’m feelin kinda horny
You can come on over, and I’ll break you off
And if you can’t fuck, that day, baby
Just lay back, and open your mouth
Cause I have never
met a girl
That I love
in the whole wide world