It all started when I finished Artificial. For the first time ever, in four years, I have no story responsibilities. Nothing I have to get out for people who want to read it. Nobody to piss off with my infrequent and random posting. And it was nice… For a little while. Then I realized I wanted to write more, and I had nothing to write. So of course I turned to the familiar. Now, this is not another epilogue for On Earth. This is actually… A sequel. Hopefully a shorter one, if I even decide to write it. Okay, I’ve already started writing it. But I may never post it. Maybe. I decided to take a different direction. A lighter one. Something that will actually make me write something different for once. You may have noticed that most of my stories take a decidedly darker tack. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but I sort of want to try something new. So, this is the start of the decidedly lighter sequel to On Earth as it is in Hell.
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<p><i>All rise.</i>
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<p><i>The council will now address the continued discussion of the problem in Universe 46312465, also known as ‘Final Fantasy VIII’. The previous testimony of Marshall Ralhallas has been recorded for those who wish to refresh themselves on the last court event. And it is the will of the Council, Kharadjai Kharan, that you show more restraint this time around.</i>
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<p><i></i>…<i>First </i>Kharadjai Kharan.
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<p><i>Excuse me?</i>
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<p><i></i>…Nothing.
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<p><i>Very well. Anything before we begin?</i>
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<p><i></i>Yeah. I <i>did</i> what you told me to do.
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<p><i>Your petulance only weighs against you, <b>First</b> Kharadjai Kharan. As insistent as you seem to be on your proper title, you don’t appear to be putting forth much effort into holding on to it.</i>
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<p><i></i>…Yes, Counselor.
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<p><i>You did indeed perform the tasks set for you. But we cannot imagine there could be any limit to the punishments suitable for such a breach of duty like the one you committed. You endangered not just the lives of billions with your carelessness, but an entire Universe in and of itself. Need we remind you of the consequences such a collapse would bring?</i>
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<p><i></i>…No.
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<p><i>You’ve explained your ‘reasons’ already, and there’s no need to repeat them. But bear the weight of your transgression in mind during this Council, and we can only hope you will understand the scope of your failure.</i>
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<p><i></i>I didn’t fail!
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<p><i>You were incompetent! Lazy! Unorganized and apathetic over a universe that had been temporarily assigned to your care! You’re fortunate you aren’t herding barely sentient creatures on some distant rock near the edge of the known worlds! The only reason you aren’t is because all did indeed end well, although certainly not through any machinations on your part.</i>
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<p><i></i>It <i>was </i>through my machinations.
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<p><i>So you say. But you’ve had your chance to defend yourself already, and the Council has decided.</i>
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<p><i></i>I am a fucking First Class Kharadjai, not an errand boy! I lead armies, I shape destiny! I fix the problems other Kharadjai can’t touch!
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<p><i>AND YET YOU FAILED TO SO MUCH AS INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF YOUR LAST ASSIGNMENT! YOU HAVE RETAINED YOUR HOME AND TITLE ONLY BECAUSE OF YOUR PAST SUCCESS, A SUCCESS THAT SEEMS NOW A DISTANT MEMORY! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CHALLENGE THE COUNCIL!</i>
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<p><i></i>I used to.
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<p><i>Until you can redeem yourself, your days as the best of the best, the forerunner of all Kharadjai, are over. The Council fails to comprehend how you managed to consistently deliver on so many assignments of far more dire import, and yet when given a simple watcher’s task as in between work, you fell like a stone.</i>
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<p><i></i>I’m not cut out for babysitting.<i> </i>I’ve always been in the thick of the action, making things happen, not sitting on the sidelines.
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<p><i>The Council will not accept boredom as an excuse. You failed, and that is the end of it.</i>
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<p><i></i>I didn’t fai-
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<p><i>THAT IS THE END OF IT. Now, we have decided that you will continue your work with Universe 46312465.</i>
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<p><i></i>Peachy.
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<p><i>You will continue to make life more enjoyable for everyone involved in the conflict. You will solve <b>every</b> problem that comes your way, or rather, their way. You will assure that their lives are restored into not just a standard working order, but an ever better existence.</i>
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<p><i></i>I’m supposed to give them the fairy tale bullshit they deserve.
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<p><i>Precisely. Even if you do not care to make amends, First Kharadjai Kharan, this Council does, and is doing so, through you. Willing or not.</i>
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<p><i></i>Okay, fine. I’ll play matchmaker, erase credit card debt, and make sure they all get nice, shiny new cars.
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<p><i>You’ll do more than that. You are not only going to be watching out for their normal welfare. You are now going to be acting as a ‘Guardian Angel’, as it were. Not in any official sense of course, but that’s the closest example.</i>
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<p><i></i>I thought we weren’t supposed to meddle that much.
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<p><i>Kharan, you can’t meddle anymore than you already did. We will now make it, we hope, perfectly clear, that this Council will hold you personally responsible for any and all ill that befalls these people under your care. And we mean <b>all</i></b>.
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<p>Hey, shit happens. We all have bad days.
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<p><i>Oh no, not anymore they don’t. The Council is taking special license with this case. The normal boundaries have been suspended. You have the authority to do anything and everything within your power to prevent ‘shit’ from happening. The people of Universe 46312465</i><b> </b><i>are about to experience an extraordinary bout of good luck.</i>
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<p><i></i>Wait, let me do an example. Lets say Zell Dincht tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. That’s an everyday occurrence.
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<p><i>Then you will be there at the bottom to cushion his fall.</i>
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<p><i></i>That’s ridiculous. That’s so far out of the ballpark concerning my job description. That’s fucking <i>pampering</i>. The Kharadjai do not pamper. Nobody has been pampered by Kharadjai! As bad as they had it, they don’t deserve it that good.
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<p><i>You’re looking at this the wrong way. This is not so much a reward for them, as it is <b>punishment</b> for you.</i><b> </b><i>Perhaps this will teach you to care a little more for your fellow man.</i>
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<p><i></i>I don’t have fellow <i>men</i>, I’m a fucking First Class Kharadjai! I-
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<p><b><i>YOU WILL GO TO THE UNIVERSE. YOU WILL DO YOUR DUTY. OR YOU WILL BE SPENDING THE NEXT HUNDRED MILLENNIA WATCHING ASTEROIDS COLLIDE OFF THE SURFACE OF THE DESOLATE MOON YOU WILL CALL HOME.</i></b>
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<p><b><i></i></b>Right, right, well, I’ll get on it then.
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<p><i>Very good. The verdict is decided, your course is clear. The Council is now adjourned.</i>
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<p><i></i>Help me Jesus.
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<p><i>Oh no, Kharadjai Kharan. Your sentence is final. There will be no appeal to the higher Order.</i>
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