Four women were standing around talking to eachother about their sons. One woman says “I have a son who’s a priest and when he enters the room people call him Father.” Another woman said “I have a son who’s a bishop and when people talk to him they call him your eminence.” Another woman says "Well my son is a Cardinal and when people talk to him they call him “Your Excellencey”.
The last woman said "Well, my son 15 years old, 6’3 and is in the Foot Ball Team and when people see him they say “OH my God.”
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading—a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, “Father what causes arthritis”?
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women,too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man”.
“Well I’ll be damned”, the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong—how long have you had arthritis”?
“I don’t, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it”.
Two old geezers at a nursing home were sitting on the front porch one day when a stray dog walked in front of them, laid down, and started to lick his nuts.
One old man said to the other, “Gee, don’t you wish you could do that?”
The other old man replied “Hell naw, dog would bite the SHIT outta me!”
Jesus walks into an inn and hands the innkeeper three nails and asks, “Hey, can you put me up for the night?”
Tell this in a niched dialect of your language (I originally heard it in a Finnish accent of Swedish).
As told by a woman living out in the woods somewhere:
“Well, there was this man who came to visit me one day… he knocked on the door an entered, and he said nuthin’, so, I didn’t say nuthin’ either. And then he took off his clothes, and he said nuthin’… so I didn’t say nuthin’ either. Then he crept into bed with me, and he still said nuthin’. So, of course, I didn’t say nuthin’ either. And then we made sweet love all night long, but he said nuthin’. So I didn’t say nuthin’, either. And then in the morning he got dressed and left, and he still said nuthin’, so I didn’t say nuthin’ either. And now I’m just wondering… 'the hell did he visit me for?”
A man told his wife, “Say ONE thing to me that will both piss me off and make me a happy man at the same time.”
The wife smiled and said, “Well, your dick is bigger than all the rest of your friends.”
And speaking of accents…
Letter of complaint to a New Yorker Hotel:
Dear Signor Diretorre
Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Palermo as touristo to New York and stay at your hotella.
When comma in my room, I see there is no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? I calla down the receptione and tella: “I wanna shit!” They tella me: “Go to the toillet!” I say: “No, no, I wanna shit in my Bed!”
They say:“You betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch!” What is sonnawabitch?
I go down to ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs and two pisses of toast, I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and pointed to the toast: “I wanna piss!” She tella me:“Go to the toillet”, I say:“No, no, I wanna piss on the plate!” She then say to me: “You bloddy fella, do not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch!” Second person who do not even know me and calls me sonnawabitch. What is sonnwabitch?
Later I go dinner into ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out but no fock. I tella waitress: “I wanna fock!” and she tella me:“Sure, everybody wanna fuck!” I tella her:" No, no, you don’t understand me. I wanna fock on the table! She then tella me:“So, you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!” So I go to the receptione and ask for the check. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I have pay the check, the porter say to me: “Thank you and peace on you!” I say:“Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch!”
I go back to Italy. I never more comma stay in your hotella, you sonnawabitch!!
A man in his seventies is walking along when he sees a Catholic church. He enters and walks straight to the confession booth. The priest, seeing the man walking in hastily, asks him “My son, do you have anything to confess to me?”. “Father, yesterday I slept with two 20-year olds” replies the man. The priest, holding his composure tells him “My son, that is errant behavior. Do you repent?”. “Why, father, of course not!” comes the reply. “Then why are you telling me this?” asks the priest, slightly perplexed. “But I’m telling everyone, father!”.
Two Finnish men are at a summer cottage in the middle of nowhere. Drinking koskenkorva.
It’s morning. Both men sit at a table and drink Koskenkorva. As the day reaches noon, both men are sitting in a small rowing boat, both holding a fishing rod and drinking koskenkorva. They finish their fishing and prepare & cook the fish - While drinking koskenkorva. As evening starts to creep in, both men are chopping wood and preparing the Sauna, all while drinking koskenkorva. The men enjoy the sauna and wash up while drinking koskenkorva. Even as the night lit up by the midnight is close at hand, both men brush their teeth and gargle up with koskenkorva, and before going to bed, they have a shot of koskenkorva.
This repeats for three days, until the other man, at noon during the third day, mumbles: “Man, the fish are biting really well today!”
The other man replies angrily: “Fuck man, shut the hell up, did we come here to drink, or did we come here to talk?”
Koskenkorva is the booze of choice over here. You might find an article about it in WP.
An Irish guy walked out of a bar
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. The only people in the room are the barkeeper and one other customer. The man goes and sits next to the other man and orders a drink.
Suddenly, the other man orders a shot of Jack Daniels, chugs it, and jumps out the window. The man looks horrified until the jumper comes back though the window!
-“How did you do that?” the man asks.
-“I dunno,” the jumper replies. “This really weird wind picked me up and carried me back inside.”
So the first man turns to the barkeeper. “Give me a Jack Daniels” he says. He drinks the shot and jumps out the window.
He falls a hundred stories and splatters on the sidewalk.
The barkeeper turns to the other man and says,
-“You know, you can be a real ass sometimes, Superman.”