My origin story

Okay, I’m remaking the origin story. I’ll have the prologue as well as the first chapter (the newest part) up soon. Weiila, can I get this stickied? Thanks. =)

Aye, will be done, sergeant!

Look at this as a chance to correct anything you were unhappy with in the story, Omega.

And glad to see you still writing!


Very well, I’ll be looking foreward.

First, the prologue again:

Prologue: The Meeting

I am Omega, traveling mercenary.

I was just a lone traveler at the time, going from place to place, and acting as a mercenary to take jobs such as eradicating monsters for money. I was remarkably skilled with magic, but I had developed impressive skills with a blade and I could easily handle a katana or a saber. What I hadn’t known was that my life was going to take an enormous turn, beginning on the very airship I was riding.

I had never been that interested in money that I received for jobs; I was usually always willing to help people.  I did, however, need the money to survive, which generally ruled out chivalry in many cases.  However, when poorer families ask me to perform duties, I never asked them for payment.

Throwing my light green hair back from my face, I immersed myself in a small spellbook, learning enhancements for the ones I currently knew.  I was taking one of the steam powered airships in the area to the other side of the Turaikt Mountains, where the great trading city of Marunkan awaited.  Many times while taking jobs I had heard of the place, and it would be great to explore some new land.  I had been in one place for too long.  Life had gotten a bit dull; I was on the small continent of Tarlon, and I hadn't left it in a while.

The ship shook slightly and dispelled my thoughts.  I looked up curiously, wondering what was going on.  Then, the ship shook again, much harder this time, and the bag that carried my money and supplies dropped off the small table I had put them on.  I stood up and opened the cabin door.  Two guards clad in navy uniforms with silver chest armor were outside in the wooden hallway, running from cabin to cabin and shouting to people. “Go into your rooms and lock your doors!  Thieves have snuck into forbidden areas of the ship!” 

Naturally, I drew my sword and stepped out.  The guard approached me hurriedly. “Sir, I ask that you go into your room and-” “No.” I interrupted. “If thieves have started their dirty work, I’ll be more than happy to clean it up.  I’ve worked as a mercenary for a long time, you know.  I’m quite skilled with tracking thieves”

The guard shook his head. “Leave this to the airship guard.  Now, will you please-HEY!” I had run off, too eager to find out what the thieves were after, and wondering why the ship was shaking.

I bounded down the stairs, katana drawn, my eyes darting about, looking for the culprits.  As I came to the bottom step, my eyes fell upon another stairway.  I peered down the stairs, and noticed the door at the bottom had a lock on it.  Except that the lock had been broken. “There.” I muttered to myself.  The thieves had to be in that room.

The guard from before came running down the stairs after me. “You can’t go in there, it’s restricted!” He shouted. I turned to look at him calmly. “That’s not what somebody thinks.” I replied, pointing to the broken lock. The guard stared at it. “We’d better check that out. Go on, since you’re so eager to find out what’s going on, and you seem like a sturdy fighter.”

As quietly as I could, I tiptoed down the stairs, the guard behind me, now with a regular sword drawn. The wooden door was closed. I carefully took hold of the knob and opened the door…

It was a small room. Valuable items were stashed in here. Boxes and crates full of goods that were bound for nearby towns were in here as well, lining the walls. In the center of the room there was a jewel encrusted treasure chest. “Thimonius.” I muttered softly, and a small sphere of light appeared in my palm and lit up the room. There was nobody inside.

The guard sighed in relief. I too, had been coiled like a spring, ready for any sudden attack. I relaxed now.

“Well.” The guard said. “There doesn’t seem to be anyone here. Let me just check to see if this is alright…” the guard pulled out a key and inserted it into the golden lock on the chest. Before he could open it, a box fell over.

A slender elf, with long, platinum blonde hair and a bow drawn, leapt from behind several crates. Simultaneously, another figure, this one a human like myself, leapt from the other side of the room. The second had short, brown hair and two triple bladed daggers drawn. While the guard tripped in the initial surprise, I raised my katana. At once, the elf pointed his bow at the other human and I, the other human pointed his blades at the elf and I, and I held my katana up in front of me, unsure of what to make of these new people. They certainly did not have the appearance of thieves.

“Who are you?” The elf demanded harshly. “I should be asking you the same thing!” The human answered automatically, glaring at the elf. “W-what is going on?” The guard stared, getting to his feet.

The roof of the cabin suddenly blasted open, cutting off any further conversation. I just had a glimpse of a face with a bandana tied around his hair, but then it vanished in a cloud of smoke. “Those are the thieves!” The guard pointed up. The ceiling of two floors had been blasted away, exposing the night sky and the stars rushing past as the airship continued its course. “I’ve seen them before! They’re outlaws who sneak onboard airships and rob them of their valuables!”

The elf, the human, and I looked at each other, now aware that we were on the same side, though I was wondering what the human and the elf were doing here in the first place. I suddenly shook my head. “Are we going to stop those thieves, or not?” I inquired to the other two. The elf stared at me incredulously. “You mean to say that you trust us?” “I think the guard’s words are good enough, even though it seems you broke in here.” The elf shook his head. “I can explain that later! If we’re going to go, then let’s go up to the roof!” “H-hey! The human raised his hands. “We haven’t even met! So now we’re all buddies, teaming up against thieves?” The human received no answer, for the elf and I were already running out of the room, while the guard had fled to get help. The human shook his head. “Let’s give it our all then!” He followed us.

I raced to the trapdoor that led to the roof of the airship, only to find that it had been locked from the top. “Stand back.” I warned the other two, raising my hand. They took the point immediately.

“Spark volt!” I roared. A jet of electricity shot from my hand, blasting the roof door clean away. The human looked impressed. “Now that is one good way to make a door!”

“Stop dawdling!” The elf scolded. We exited the airship to its roof. Immediately, the chilling wind rushed into my face like icy knives, throwing my hair back, but I saw the thieves clearly for the first time. One had greasy black hair, a scar across his face, and an axe in his right hand. Another had a frail build, slick blonde hair, and a crossbow in both hands. The third, apparently the leader, had a stronger build than the other two, a bandana on his head, from which several reddish brown locks of hair emerged, and gray, fiery eyes. A sword was in a belt at his side, and all three thieves wore adventurers’ clothes.

They noticed us for the first time. “Who are you?” The black haired man demanded. “We’re busy!” The blonde haired one added. The one with the bandana around his head held up his hand to silence them. “Hold up. These three look like they might give us some good fighting practice.” He took a few steps toward me and my companions, while the other two drew their weapons.

“So, what’s your story?” He asked casually. I drew my sword. Behind me, the elf and the human drew their own weapons. “We’re here to stop you!” I shouted over the wind. The thief cocked an eyebrow. “Stop us, eh? We were after the treasure chest in the cabin downstairs. It looked promising. Then, we heard running footsteps, so we bombed the roof to get out. Was that you?”

I shook my head. “The elf and the human were in the room already. How, I do not know. But you won’t get away!” The thief laughed, his cocky expression never leaving. “A lot have tried to stop us, but we’re as slippery as eels. You’re not going to stop us that easily.”

He turned to the blonde haired one. “Geoffrey! Load your crossbow!” The one called Geoffrey nodded. “Got it, boss! But should I just toss a bomb at them and blow them away?” The leader rolled his eyes. “That would probably set the ship on fire, thickhead.” The leader turned to the black haired man. “You too, Luther, get your axe ready!” The three thieves brought up their weapons, as did we. “Remember my name well, travelers. You’re fighting the great Leon!”

They charged at us. Leon sped toward me, his sword in front of him. The first thing I noticed as I parried his strike easily was that he was hardly even trying. Apparently, he didn’t consider me much. Well, all the better for me, I thought, smiling to myself.

Acting as Leon had suspected me to act, I parried his first strikes by inches. This only made Leon even more overconfident. He stopped fighting seriously and started attacking slower and with less precision. Watching his strikes carefully, I noticed more and more gaps in his defenses open up.

Without warning, leapt at Leon in a fierce counterattack. In the initial surprise, I was able to thrust my sword and draw a narrow gash along Leon’s cheek. He stumbled and fell to the ground, but leapt back to his feet before I could disarm him.

“So, you’ve got some fight in you.” Leon ran his finger along the edge of his sword. “Well, what are you waiting for? If you won’t make the next move, I will!” He came at me again, fully focused this time. My normal strategy would have been to simply cast a spell, but I knew that any offensive spell I cast would probably damage the ship. Besides, if I stopped to concentrate on a spell, Leon could easily wound or even kill me.

In the middle of the fight, I managed to catch snatches of the fights between my allies and the other thieves. The human’s triple bladed daggers were whirling against Luther’s axe, but it wasn’t clear to who was winning. Meanwhile, the elf and Geoffrey were launching arrows at each other. The elf had tried to get to Geoffrey and disarm him, the elf being much more fit than his opponent, but Geoffrey’s crossbow kept the elf at bay.

I had just thrust at Leon again when the ship shook suddenly and violently, throwing everyone to the floor of the airship roof. Clutching the wood on the airship’s roof with my hands, I glared at Leon. “What kind of idiocy are you trying to pull? You could bring the entire airship down with those bombs!”

Leon’s cocky visage sagged for the first time, a look of confusion replacing it. “I-I didn’t plant any other bombs.”

The ship shook again, and the loud blast of a bomb could be heard clearly. I stared at Leon. “Other than the bombs at the roof, you didn’t…?” Leon shook his head, alarm mounting in him. I stared down at the airship. There was someone else in the airship who wasn’t a passenger.

Someone who was probably stealing whatever was in that treasure chest as we spoke.

The ship rumbled softly, but the airship continued its course through the night sky. For a moment, nobody spoke, clutching the roof of the airship, unsure of what was happening. I stood up. “Come on you two!” I looked at the elf and the human. “Whoever’s down there is eventually going to destroy the ship with those bombs, or whatever he’s doing! Come on!”

As I tried to stand up, the loudest blast thus far, so loud I mistook it for thunder for a wild moment, roared through the sky, sending everyone back to the floor of the airship. Then, the airship began to turn downward, and it quickly started spiraling towards the Turaikt Mountains below.

Leon whistled to his two cronies, and both crawled over to him. After a brief discussion, the words inaudible because of the rushing wind, they each took out what looked like a small glider from their packs. Then, they leapt over the roof and glided safely away from the descending ship.

“Damn!” I shouted. I turned to the elf and the human. “We have to get into the ship and brace ourselves for the crash!” It was too late. The ship was speeding down too fast. The wind was rushing at my cheeks like small knives, and my hair was flying back. “Hold onto the roof!” I hollered at the last second. The elf and the human needed no second bidding.

I looked downward and had a brief glimpse of a mountain getting bigger and bigger before a deafening crash shattered the ship. A large chunk of it was flattened against the top of the mountain. The ship rolled down the enormous mountain’s side like a sleigh, and then smashed against a plateau. Wood, splinters, and glass flew everywhere. In the impact, I was hurled off the ship like a rag doll. The momentum threw me into a bush, which absorbed a lot of the injuries I would have normally received. A cloud of smoke rushed over me, blinding me temporarily. I squinted my eyes shut and listened to the loud noises of the ship breaking apart. Then there was silence.

I got up, shaking my head to ward off the dizziness threatening to overcome me. Except for some bruises, I was relatively unharmed.

I took my bearings. I was a short distance from the heap of wood and glass that had once been an airship. Broken twigs surrounded the wreckage. “Twigs?” I wondered aloud, but then shook the notion out of my head when I remembered the elf and the human. I barely knew them, but I had come to greatly trust them in the battle we had had with the thieves.

I reached the airship to see wounded passengers and crewmembers being treated by those in better condition. There didn’t seem to be anybody dead, for now at least.

“Hey! You, in the cape!” I turned to see my elven friend hurrying towards me, a grave look in his eyes. “Are you hurt?” He asked. I shook my head. “A bush absorbed a lot of the impact when I was thrown from the ship.” The elf looked a bit less grave with the news.

“Have you seen the other human who was with us?” The elf asked. I shook my head. “Did you see him in the crash?” I asked. “No, my eyes were shut because of the smog.”

“I inquired about him.” The elf continued. “Nobody’s seen him. It’s my guess that he was thrown off the ship too, but probably farther.” “We should go look for him.” The elf thought about this for a moment. “We don’t even know if he’s alive.” The elf responded. “We should still look for him.” I persisted. “I doubt someone as capable as him would just let himself die like that.” The elf thought for a moment, then nodded. “Fine, we’ll go search for him.”

“Are you going out?” Came a voice to the right. The elf and I both turned to see a man striding toward us. He was tall, with neat, brown hair and he was dressed in blue clothing with black shoes. “Yes.” I responded. “What of it?” “I am Captain Stolman Othrius, captain of this ship.” He shook hands with the elf and I. “If you’re leaving, I have a favor to ask.” The elf and I listened intently.

“I have exceptional skills with ships and airships, but even when I tried to give the ship a smooth landing, it was a miracle it didn’t break apart entirely.” Captain Stolman shook his head and sighed. “We can’t leave until our wounded have recovered, and from what the guards have told me about casualties, we’re not going anywhere for a while, especially since a lot of the supplies were flattened or flew overboard when the ship crashed. I need to ask you to go to Marunkan, where this ship was intended to dock, and I need you to ask the city to send us aid. I will of course, will gladly pay you for venturing through the mountains to get help.”

The elf and I looked at each other. The elf nodded. “We can find our comrade along the way, and we can’t just leave these people here.” “I agree.” I replied. I turned to Stolman. “We will gladly do this for you.” The Captain nodded with gratefulness in his eyes. “Very well. Do you need anything from us?” I shook my head. “No, but thank you. The elf and I have our supplies in the ship. We’ll just find them and be on our way.”

“Come to think of it, I never found out what your name was.” The elf told me as I took my bag of supplies from my now completely destroyed cabin. “My name is Omega.” I replied, shaking the elf’s hand. “Jurien.” He answered in response.

“You know.” Jurien began. “The airship – look out!” He suddenly shouted, as something small and red darted into the room. It smacked into Jurien’s face, knocking him over. I grabbed at my sword hilt and realized what it was: A harpy. It was but a harpy hatchling, but it could still be quite dangerous. It flew toward me and I raised my sword just in time for it to impale itself on my blade. The harpy, stuck on my katana, let out a shrill shriek that shook both Jurien and me before it died. Out the window, we heard several shrieks in response, then a flapping of wings. Then I suddenly remembered the twigs I had seen. My eyes nearly popped. “Jurien!” I shouted. “We’ve landed in a group of harpy nests!”

I'm not sure if I remember the reviews I was given before the worm virus hit, so any advice will do.  I'll have the first chapter up soon.

Liek I said, too much action in too little a time frame. Tone it down a bit, and you’ll do fine.

The beginning works somewhat like FFVII; it starts off hot, but then cools down for a while.

Okay, first chapter is up!

This is a much shorter chapter, and a flashback in my character’s history when he is ten years old. It also unfolds a bit, too.

Chapter 1: Hidden Depths

            Seeing all of this happening caused me to remember a fateful day in my past...

I parried my partner’s attack with the utmost ease.  Twisting, I thrust and vented his tunic at the shoulder.  He attacked me again, but I dodged to the side, shaking sweat from my forehead.  Seeing me distracted, my opponent lunged a third time, but I leapt forward and swung my blade upward so that my weapon clanged upon the impact with his.  My opponent stumbled backwards from the momentum, and I charged this time, swinging upward again and knocking his blade clear from his hands.


I wiped sweat from my forehead and shook hands with my panting sparring opponent.  Turning, I saw my master and mentor, Darumir, walking towards me, a look of approval on his face.

“You’ve gotten even better on your thrusts, Omega.  Face me in sword combat; I want to see if your parrying is satisfactory.”

I was ten years old, and was training at the center of Darumir, well known for molding even the most inexperienced trainees into blademasters in a surprisingly short time.  Darumir, though, seemed to hold me in high favor.  Every day, he worked with me himself (it was considered an honor among his students to get training from him personally), he taught me magic and how to strengthen it, he taught me to efficiently wield every weapon he and I could think of, and he even took me to train with others more well versed in a particular field than he was.

Darumir’s training center was located in the plains, so people often had more than enough space to train in private or with an opponent.

Darumir was not a young man; he was a grizzled, middle aged warrior, but as he aged, his vigor never seemed to die out.  An atrocious rumor had once been started that he was immortal.  Slightly messy brown hair and a scraggly short beard formed his facial features.

My parrying skills were tested for at least a half an hour before he was satisfied my parrying had again improved.  Following the parrying lesson, he tested my speed at focusing mana for spells.  I had a unique natural ability with spellcasting, particularly offensive spells, and it already took a mere six seconds to gather and focus enough mana for a simple fire spell.

He nodded his approval. “Good work.  You’ve cut your time down by a few seconds in the past few days.  We’ll call it quits for today; go rest yourself.”

I caught my breath for a few moments.  Darumir had worked me particularly hard this evening, and I had cast so many spells I was nearly dropping with fatigue.  As always though, I was proud that he approved.  Even still, I couldn’t stop wondering…
“Master Darumir?” I asked aloud.

Darumir, who had been nearly out of my line of vision, turned. “Yes?” 

I shuffled my feet briefly. “Master, why are you training me this hard?  I know you’re known for turning trainees into champions, but you seem to want to make me into a champion of champions.” Darumir cocked an eyebrow. “Maybe I do.”

“Why do you want to?” I persisted. “You’ve trained me to master things one can normally not even accomplish at my age, you’ve trained me with elves, dwarves, and even halflings, and you’ve taught me to harness mana for the types of spells guild masters use!  Why do you do it?”

Darumir’s eyes wandered and he stared off into the sky before answering. “I figured you were going to ask this eventually.” I said nothing in reply, hopefully waiting for an answer. “Well,” Darumir started again. “It isn’t my place to answer that.” Blood rushed into my cheeks. “So are you saying all of this training has been for [i]nothing[/i]?” I gaped incredulously, indignation mounting within me.  Darumir shook his head. “Of course not.  Someone with the power that you have been granted should never be wasted.”

My indignation suddenly faded, replaced by a wide eyed stare. “I have a gift of power?” I repeated, only half comprehending what Darumir had said. Darumir looked uncomfortable at my response. “I should not have told you that,” Darumir said stoically. “And I shall tell you nothing more. You are not ready to know. Not yet.”

Darumir swiftly changed the subject. “Omega, do you remember what I told you about how you came to be one of my disciples?”

I nodded instantly. “You said you found me as a newborn abandoned, but you have never said where.”

“Where is not important right now. What matters is what happened when I found you.”

Darumir leaned upon his sword. “Ever since I found you abandoned, you have had a strange gift. Almost unnatural, especially for someone of your age.”

I was confused. “This…power you talk about. Was I simply born with it?”

Darumir gazed at me intently. “Yes…” he said slowly. I exhaled with that information. “…and no.” He finished.

I stared at him, the tense feeling in my returning. Had I been given the gift of mastery in fighting, of magery, and just about everything involving combat? By whom? And why?

Darumir seemed to understand my thoughts, and he looked grim. “That…” he concluded. “Is another thing you are not ready for.”

With that, Darumir turned and strode back to the training center. I cupped a hand to my cheek and called after him: “Where shall I meet you for the lesson tomorrow?” Darumir responded without turning. “You have had your lesson for tomorrow. It is perhaps the most important I will ever teach you. Remember what I have said, Omega, for you will need to use the knowledge well in the future.”

That was it. After so many years of training with Darumir, I had finally questioned my history, and now I almost regretted it. Upon hearing that I had a strange power, I felt as if a burden had suddenly been heaped onto my back.

I turned to the sky and the setting sun, gold and crimson in the last hours of daylight…and wondered.

Only a two things I could find wrong with that, Omega:

1.) You should post something inside the chapter at the beginning showing the transition to flashback.

2.)Darumir swiftly changed the subject. “Omega, do you remember what I told you about how you came to be one of my disciples?”

I nodded instantly. “You said you found me as a newborn abandoned, but you have never said where.”

Darumir looked slightly grim. “That…” he concluded. “Is another thing you are not ready for.”

Why did Darumir bring up Omega’s origin, if he wasn’t going to really say anything about it?

Serves me right for writing that part at 11:00 at night. :stuck_out_tongue:

Darumir was implying that my character is not ready to learn his history.

But just bringing it up like that, it seems like he’s just teasing Omega with knowledge about his origin.

good. I like it. Just needs some brushes, but, its still good.

Originally posted by Valkyrie Esker
But just bringing it up like that, it seems like he’s just teasing Omega with knowledge about his origin.

Well he isn’t, and if you’re so hypercritical, you write the origin story.

Thanks, Chris. I know the story needs some work, but this IS my first shot at an actual long story.

I agree with Val about that comment, Omega… but if he’s teasing, then it makes sense. You should mention something like “Darumir said with a teasing wink” or something, or that Omega realized that he’s being teased. It would make more sense.

yes. I can understand that… heck, my first long story was pretty trebble, wasn’t it Weiila? (A lot of past tense, presten tense, spelling, grammar, and stuff) Boy, she even had to send someone to save me from the tenses… (.#.) I was bad…

First off, I edited it, so it probably makes a lot more sense.

Second, I apologize, I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I just had a long day (though Athrelius lifted me out of my bad mood in the chat room :P). -_-

Looks great! :smiley:

Looks a lot better, Om! Good work!

I’ll have the next chapter up soon, you guys. Finals are coming up and I got sick on Friday…so yeah, that’s why. Thanks for the reviews. :slight_smile:

I hope your feeling better. Good luck with the exams!:kissy: