My first fanfic

Umm hi. i’ve just decided to write a ffVIII fanfic and i’ve got the first couple of chapters. so please be totally honest even if you hate it and tell me if you have any ideas where to go from what i’ve writen. hopefully you’ll all be seeing alot more of my work (unless i’m emotional distroyed by what you think of this one) and please dont be too technical with me… i’m practically computer illiterate.

~Prologue: Inside the Monster~

I hold your letter in my hands and think of times past, times when I was different, before I became the monster. I take two of the pills and wash them down with a glass of vodka. My body, my minds quivering with anxiety as I tear open the envelope, to be greeted by your words.

You say that you understand, that you know what happened to me last year. A young naive boy fill with dreams of grandeur lead astray by an evil sorceress, you know that wasn’t me. You couldn’t understand my life, though you were there nearly every step of the way. I was lead astray, corrupted by evil but my views on you never changed. You think that my corruption was the reason I tried killed you? We both know the hatred that lies deep inside of us, we have both seen the dark side of the heart. But yours found salvation in a stolen angel, while mine continued to blacken and die. The angel was mine and the salvation was owed to me, but like so many things you took them from me, even though you didn’t desire, didn’t deserve them as I did. They say the righteous are rewarded and the wicked punished, I now know for certain that I am not the former but surely you are more wicked than I. I would never do to someone what you have done to me, you took it all, my life, my love, my dreams. Now you tell me that you know that I’m sorry, am I? Yes you’re right I am sorry but not for what I did, rather what I didn’t do, I’m sorry that I let you do this to me. I hope commander, that one day you realise that it was not I on the side of evil but you, and your ideals of righteousness make you more disillusioned than I ever was. You say that you want to help me? How do you intend such a feat, do you plan to relinquish everything that I dreamed for, that you so callously took? The idea of alleviating my suffering was no idea of yours, but I know whose it was.
My raven angel, you treated me so heartlessly, the hurt you have caused me is worse than that of a thousand cruel deaths. I never thought that one so young and innocent could be so vindictive. I remember when we first met. I the young SeeD cadet, you the beautiful resistance leader come to Balamb to request SeeD to help your faction. The morning sun glistening against your hair, you saw me standing alone and you smiled. Your angelic smile lowered my defences so you could steal my heart and deliver it to my enemy. I loved you from that first moment, loved you more than life itself. It seems from that day fate conspired this cruel destiny for me. My soul died the day you chose him, that day you killed me inside. I think of you always, when I eat, sleep, even in the music I listen to the words remind me of you.
This town is full of dumb reminders
How far I am from you in miles
If I could get what time has taken down
Maybe then I could see you.
-No Use For a Name
What hurts me most is the idea that he makes you happier than I did. There is an emptiness growing inside me, but I fear your help is too late. In this time so close to the end I think about all the people that I have wronged in my short existence.
Quistis, the instructor, I made your life hell and for that I am sorry. Had it not been for me you would still be an instructor now. I did it because of him, everybody always noticed him you were no exception. They all used to notice him even though he didn’t give a damn, it may sound childish but I acted out because I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to exist. Everyone noticed him because he was different.
Zell, the chicken-wuss, I suppose in a way after the orphanage the only reason I continued to torment you was through jealously. You got the one thing I had always wanted, a loving family, someone to give a damn. Who knows maybe if things had been different, if I’d been adopted instead of you, I wouldn’t be in this position right now. I don’t blame you though, I know that everything that’s happened up to now has all been my fault.
Selphie, the messenger girl, I always resented you. Always perky and happy, everyone instantly liked you. Whereas nobody ever liked me, even the people close to me hate me in the end. Not a care in the world, never any regret.
Irvine, the ladies man, the girls always wanted to be with you even matron liked you best, well I suppose matron liked you all more than me. You will probably never understand what it is like to be all alone in the darkness.
Fujin and Rajin, my posse, you stuck by me for most of the difficult times but like everyone else even you eventually abandoned me. I can’t blame you though, who would want to be around me anyway?
Matron, the mother I never had, I’m sorry if you are ashamed of me, of the way I turned out. I only hope that you can find solace in my attempt to make amends. I have done terrible things in my life, things that do not bare thinking about, the most terrible thing is that I do not feel remorse. I try to feel, try to force the tears but I am empty, there is no sorrow left inside me only an emotionless void. My love, my sadness, my soul are lost to the abyss that is ever growing inside me. Apologising now would be meaningless, I can only hope that by taking my life I will be able to rectify my some of my mistakes.

I place my letter on the hearth, for you to find it, for you to understand what I am about to do. I down a glass of vodka, I need courage for the task I am about to undertake, I take the pills too, all of them, just to make sure. The knife feels warm and inviting when I touch its handle, there is no turning back now as the jagged metal edge begins to tear and bite at my flesh. I drag it down my wrist, trying to keep with the vein, and then I start on the other. My visions beginning to blur, is it from the drugs or the alcohol? My hands are shaking so badly that the knife slips from my bloodied hands and falls.
Falling forever, falling like me, into the darkness.

Is this death? Am I dead? I feel so cold… so very cold. My mind drifts back to my childhood as my last seconds rush by. My first bike, my first day at garden… my first cold-hearted murder. It’s better this way, I can’t hurt anyone else with my false ideals. I embrace the cold as I fall further into the emptiness. Darkness consuming me, tearing me apart. My body numb, my vision blurred and my hearing muffled. So much so, that I didn’t hear the door open, didn’t hear you come in, shout my name. You’re too late, too late to stop me now, this is the…this must be it… this is my end…

~Chapter 1: Sunny Storms~

It is something to have wept as we have wept,
And something to have done as we have done;
It is something to have watched when all have slept,
And seen the stars that never see the sun.

It is something to have smelt the mystic rose,
Although it break and leave the thorny rods;
It is something to have hungered once as those
Must hunger who have ate the bread of gods:

To have known the things that from the weak are furled,
The fearful ancient passions, strange and high;
It is something to be wiser than the world,
And something to be older than the sky.

Lo, and blessed are our ears for they have heard:
Yea, blessed are our eyes for they have seen:
Let the thunder break on human, beast and bird,
And lightning. It is something to have been.

~G. K. Chesterton

Rinoa walked, as she often did the nights that Squall was away. And Squall was away a bit too much for her liking, too many missions or important political meetings, he had almost become a ghost. She sighed and continued walking. After a couple of minutes she found herself outside the training centre, the secret area, she thought to herself, that’s where I’ll go. Rinoa entered the training centre and turned left towards the secret area. As she approached the secret area she could hear the voices of others who, like herself, were breaking curfew. Upon entering the secret area she was greeted by the welcome sight of Selphie.
“Selphie, hi.” Rinoa smiled and waved at her friend.
“Hi, Rin.” Selphie waved back. “Whatcha doing out this late?”
“I couldn’t sleep… I’m missing Squall, I guess.”
“Oh right Squalls away on that secret mission for matron.” Selphie instantly regretted the words as they left her mouth. “What I mean is umm… it’s no big deal.”
“What secret mission?”
“Sorry Rin I’m not supposed to talk about it.” Selphie visible shifted her weight from one leg to the other.
“Aww come on Selph please, I won’t tell anyone you told me.” Pleaded Rinoa with puppy eyes. Selphie grabbed her by the arm and lead her to the far side of the balcony.
“Ok, just don’t tell anyone I told you this.” Rinoa nodded. “Matrons sent Squall and Irvine to find Seifer and bring him back here.”
“But why?”
“She says she’s worried about not hearing from him after the letter we sent him, she thinks he might still be upset.” Rinoa looked pensively at the moon then to Selphie.
“Thanks Selph. I’m glad you told me that.”
“Are you ok? I mean it might be a bit weird having the guy that tried to kill you walking around garden.”
“Seifer I can cope with… it’s just I needed to talk to Squall about something… but it can wait.” She looked at Selphie, who was just about to speak. “How’s the Garden Festival coming along?”
“We think it’s going to be ready by next week, we just need to find one more band to play. You know I’ll need help setting everything up and …well… if you’re not doing anything…”
“Sure I’ll help out.” Rinoa exaggerated a look at her watch. “Oh wow look at the time I should really go get some sleep, I got an early start tomorrow.” She turned and started to leave. “See you, Selph.” She called over her shoulder.
“Night Rin.” Selphie called behind her.
Twenty minutes later Rinoa was back in her dorm, it was only a single but most nights she stayed with Squall either in his dorm or hers. Tonight it seemed so big and empty. She laid on her bed and looked out of the window.
“Good night Squall.” She whispered gently as she slipped into a deep sleep.

Squall ran into the small house as Seifer fell to the ground, he had kicked the door down as soon as he had seen what had happened.
“Seifer!” Seifer didn’t respond, Squall kneeled over his still body and shook him. “Seifer! Oh shit.” He turned to Irvine. “Get a medic in here.” Irvine ran out of the house, Squall heard him shout for the medic, who entered a few seconds later and kneeled the other side of Seifer. He handed a bandage to Squall.
“Keep it on his wrist.” Squall nodded and did what he was told, he swallowed as sick rose in his throat. “Are you ok Sir?” Squall nodded again, not taking his eyes off the still form of Seifer. The medic finished bandaging Seifer’s left wrist the came round and did the same to the wrist Squall was holding.
“Umm guys…” Squall turned to Irvine who was holding the empty bottle of pills and an envelope.
“We need to get him to the Ragnarok, help me lift him.” Squall helped the medic carry Seifer to the ship.
“Irvine get us back to Garden.” Ordered Squall as he sat down.
“Yes Sir.” He replied as he sat at the controls.
“And contact Cid and make arrangements for our arrival, I don’t want anyone to know that Seifer is with us.” Squall looked at Irvine, who nodded.

Rinoa, who lay spread out across the small bed, was abruptly awoken by banging at her dorm door.
“Come on Rin open up!” Rinoa moaned then got out of bed and stumbled to the door, which she opened. Rinoa found both Selphie and Zell at her door.
“Zell, Selphie it’s five a.m. What do you want?” There was an air of annoyance in her sleepy voice. It was Zell who spoke first.
“Sorry to wake you, but I was walking past Headmaster Cids room and I heard him on the radio with Irvine and he said that there’s been an ‘incident’ on that mission him and Squall are on.” Upon hearing this Rinoa was immediately wide awake.
“Has something happened to Squall?” She demanded.
“I dunno all he said was that they needed to go straight to the infirmary when they got here.” Rinoa grabbed her dressing gown and pushed past her visitors. She started to walk toward the infirmary. Zell and Selphie had to jog to catch up with Rinoa.
“I’m sure that it’s not Squall, Rin. I mean he never gets hurt, does he?” Selphie reassured her friend. Rinoa kept quiet and continued in her march to the infirmary. When they arrived at the infirmary they found Irvine and Headmaster Cid at the entrance.
“Rinoa, Zell, Selphie it’s nice to see you.” Greeted Cid.
“Where is he?” Demanded Rinoa. “Where’s Squall?” Cid chuckled and put his hand on her shoulder.
“Squall’s just fine, he’s…” The infirmary door opened and Squall stepped into the corridor. Rinoa eyed him up and down, inspecting him for any injuries, apart from looking slightly paler than usual she decided that he was fine and threw herself into his open arms. She rested her head against his chest.
“You had me worried.” She whispered softly. Squall held her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.
“I’m sorry. Something happened Rin, it was horrible… it was…” She lifted her head and looked into his eyes, he was upset.
“What happened?” Squall pulled away and turned his back to her.
“Seifer, he… he tried to kill himself… there was so much blood… so much…”
“Oh Squall are you ok?” Rinoa place a hand on his shoulder, which he brushed away.
“I’m sorry Rin I just, I need to be alone…I… I’m sorry.” With that he walked away from Rinoa, without turning back, without seeing the tears forming around her eyes.

Squall walked away from Rinoa, feeling ashamed of his actions. He placed a hand on his pocket, the letter, Seifer’s letter was still there. Squall hadn’t yet had the courage to read it, he still didn’t. He just walked, his eyes to the ground, his legs moving of their own accord.
“Squall?” He instantly recognised the voice from behind him.
“Hello Ellone.” He turned to face the girl he had known as Sis for all of his life.
“What’s the matter Squall?” She asked touching his cheek.
“You haven’t heard?” She looked at him blankly, of course she hasn’t it’s top secret he thought. “It’s Seifer, he tried to commit suicide.” Ellone put her hand over her mouth and gasped.
“But why would he do a thing like that?” Squall removed the letter from his pocket and handed it to her.
“I don’t know but we found this. I didn’t want to open it.”
“In case he blames you?” She offered.
“I don’t know, I just couldn’t, it just wouldn’t be right… you read it.” Squall could see Ellones hands shaking slightly as she ripped open the envelope. She looked and the scrawled script on the page briefly then began to read it out loud.
Ellone finished reading and looked up from the letter to see Squall in a state of shock and distress staring at the floor.
“Squall… are you ok?”
“I never knew… I never knew he… he felt that way about me.” His eyes not moving from the ground. Ellone put her arm round him.
“You look tired, come on let’s get you back to your dorm. We can sort all this out when you’ve had a rest.” Squall complied and began to walk towards his dormitory, whilst under the loving escort of Ellone. She left him at his dormitory and began to walk towards the infirmary.

I don’t no where to go now…HELP

It seems pretty good. A couple points have some grammatical errors, but the story is mostly free of them, and none are very egregious. In the letter portion, a better job could have been done showing the shift of the person being addressed, at least from Squall to Rinoa, since neither are named at the beginning of the section directed at them and the portion for Squall is long enough that it seems the whole letter is for him. Maybe a better way to write it is to have the part for him at the end of the letter.

As for where to go now, I can’t help you because I’ve never played all the way through FFVIII. It’s best to have an idea at least of where you’re going when you begin if you plan to write anything more than a chapter.