My first fanfic

I just wrote my first fanfic yesterday and today. I chose my favorite game ever, FFVIII. It’s only 1 chapter, but I wanted to get a little constructive criticism. Thanks.

Chapter 1: The Kidnapping

“Squall! I need help now!”

Squall sighed, still getting used to Rinoa’s inexperience. He ran to her and finished off the T-Rexuar she was fighting.

“Thanks… Sorry,” Rinoa looked down as she said this.

“It’s fine, just try to pace yourself. Try to predict how it will attack, dodge and attack while it is pulling back.”

Training her was proving harder than he expected. He almost regretted offering to train her. Almost. The good thing about it was all the time her got to spend alone with her. His watch alarm went off. Time for dinner.

They left the Training Center and headed for the Garden parking garage

“You know, you still haven’t told me where we’re going…” She said, trying to fish around for hints.

“I know.” Squall said casually.

As they entered the garage, Squall noticed a shadow move. “Jeez,” he thought. “I must be getting jumpy… Seeing things…” He chose a classic blue car and opened the door for Rinoa, then going around and getting in himself. As they began driving towards the beach near Balamb, he noticed how perfect the night was for his plan. Instinctively, he reached for his pants pocket and felt the small box in it. Inside it, was a simple ring, gold, with a diamond with two smaller diamonds on either side of it. He parked near the table that he had Zell set up 15 minutes ago, making sure to park so that Rinoa couldn’t see what was outside from inside the car.

“Okay,” he said as he turned to her. “Put this on.”

He put a blindfold over her eyes, making sure there was no way she could peak. He got out and ran around the side of the car, glancing at the table. “Wow, this is better than I thought.” The candles on the table had melted a little, giving them a less “brand new” look, the sky was clear so the stars were easily seen, and even the waves seemed gentler than usual. But the calm mood that blanketed the beach did nothing to calm the butterflies in his stomach. “Oh well,” he thought. “Better get on with it.” He opened the door and held her hand as she got out.

“Target has left Garden,” Came the voice over the radio.

“Okay men, get ready to move out.”

The ex-Galbadian commander looked around to see his orders were being carried out. “It’s great being commander. No more questioning my authority.” He grinned evilly. “Not to mention the late nights at the office with the new secretary.”

The commander laid down in the tall grass along with his men and looked through his night vision goggles towards Balamb Garden. Sure enough, a car came towards the table the blonde man wiith the tattooes was setting up. The blonde man saw the headlights coming, cursed, and ran towards the nearby forest. The car pulled to a stop near the table and a tall man got out.

“That must be Squall,” the man reckoned, remembering the detailed report the General gave him. “This Squall guy looks scary. I hope he doesn’t put up much of a fight.”

The man ran around the car and opened the passenger side door and he helped a woman out of the car. The commander smiled.

“The target.”

Squall led Rinoa to the table and sat her down on one of the velvet chairs that were on either side of the table. Just as he reached out to remove the blindfold, he felt a sharp pain at the base of his skull. He tried to spin around to fight off the attacker, but it was too late. He blacked out.

EDIT: There were a few parts where the italicizing didn’t copy over. They were supposed to be thoughts. That’s fixed now.

You’re moving a bit too fast. Set up some exposition, detail things a little bit more.

That said, I haven’t actually played FFVIII, so I can’t comment on characters. Just style of writing.

Exposition? What’s that? Sorry, I’ve never written anything before, so I don’t know much.

Explain the situation. WHY are they there? What are their thoughts, their intentions?

I’ll work on it a bit more and submit it again. Thanks again!

yay! another Crow fan! glomps

anyways, It’s moved too fast. here’s one rule to keep in mind for your viewers: pretend your readers are stupid. Detail is a beautiful thing if not used too much, but too little will make the story dull. If you want to catch some attention, add some characterization and such. Your grammar and spelling is good.

I am looking forward to reading more from you though. Good luck!

OK Dr. Robotnik… That what I call that baddie in Sonic.

You need to expand some areas. Basicly describe the actions, atomspheare and the places and some objects.

I write stuff if they were discribing it to a total “Noob.”

My inserts in Itallics. Comments are plain. You are entitled to ignore.

Here is a good place to add action. I would explain how Squall Took out this T-Rexuar.

Like so:
He ran to her to finish off the T-Rexuar she was fighting. He swung his Gunblade across it’s chest, killing it.

I have a feelling that she looking down and doing the “twisty thing” with her foot, I think she’s a bit embarrased. Again, tell us she is fealing or what inpression she is giving.

A great place to discibe the place and the atomsphere… is the Garden packed, or is it empty? is midday or eveing?

Discribe what Riona is doing to Squall.

If I’d was writing I’d have her “bright eyed” and “He felt her arms slide around his chest, playfully feeling his chest with her hands.”

Personally I think that paragraph could be expanded to 5 paras. 1. “Entrance” 2. The Drive 3. The Ring 4. The Beach 5. The table.

The table could be discribed better later…


Make apparent that these events are known to to Squall and and Riona.