This is a parody of all the LotR fics from fangirls who are obsessed with Legolas and/or Orlando Bloom. It isn’t just a parody but it does some bashing of a fictional character who I think represents the whole “Legolas fangirl” demographic. Comments welcome!
Chapter 1: the 53,912nd Fangirl to get Transported to Middle-earth
Kaitlin sighed loftily as she did what she did every single afternoon of every single day: Browse through her near endless gallery of Orlando Bloom pictures. Bloom as William Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean, Bloom as Paris from Troy, and in particular, Bloom as Legolas from Lord of the Rings.
Kaitlin thought Bloom was just so sexy (especially as Legolas); who cared if he didn’t have much acting talent? He had a pretty face, and obviously that was all that mattered! Plus, who cared if all other fangirls loved his face and wanted to marry Legolas even though he was a 100% fictional character? Kaitlin knew that with the power of hope and love, she could somehow do it; just like every other person who loved Legolas’ oh so pretty face! Besides, she deserved to marry Legolas, not all of the other fangirls who claimed the exact same thing. Of course, Kaitlin didn’t know why she deserved to marry Legolas instead of the other thousands of Bloom lovers and wasn’t sure why she deserved him since no badass archer in his right mind would fancy a fangirl, but she still knew she could make things her way with the righteous powers of godmoding and LOVE!
That night, Kaitlin watched Lord of the Rings: Return of the King again for the eleventh time, fast forwarding through every scene that didn’t have Legolas in it, before turning in for the night. She dreamily stared at a poster of Legolas as she brushed her teeth, then got into bed. But before she went to sleep, she stared at a random poster of Bloom as Legolas and declared a remarkably stupid dedication:
“Legolas, I LOVE you so much, you’re so just so cool, and I know that we were meant for each other! Oh I know there’s that whole thing about you being a completely fictional character, but love can break through anything! One day we’ll be together and I’ll be waiting!” With that Kaitlin went to sleep and finally shut up about Orlando Bloom for the night; although she dreamt that Orlando Bloom was a prince and Kaitlin was a princess and they danced in a great ballroom; what, were you expecting something else by now?
Now, if you’ve read enough Orlando Bloom fanfics, you’re probably familiar with the whole deal: Girl gets transported to fantasy world through some inexplicable phenomenon that makes for several holes in the plot, meets Legolas, and attempts to do obscene things to his elfhood. So let’s cut to the chase here: IT WILL HAPPEN THE NEXT MORNING! DUH DUH DUUUUUUH! Try to contain your excitement. Go on, try, I dare you.
The next morning (bet you saw that coming)…
Kaitlin got up on Saturday morning after a night of dreams of Legolas and making out with Orlando Bloom and, after getting dressed and spending some time going through more pictures of her Orlando Bloom gallery, proceeded downstairs to have breakfast; her parents were always gone during the day. She spelt out “LEGOLAS” with her cereal and then ate every letter one by one; she did this secretly now, as her father had threatened to sodomize her with a broken beer bottle if she did this in his presence ever again.
When she went upstairs to proceed to go through more of her Orlando Bloom collection, and gasped when she got to her room.
Her computer monitor no longer showed her Legolas desktop, but it was a swirling mass of green and blue energy! She was flabbergasted!
“It must be the power of my wish!” Kaitlin exclaimed excitedly. “It’s come true! Which means…this will let me be with Legolas!”
Then, without a single thought of danger, how this portal worked, or other unnecessary things such as food or water, she stepped forward and tentatively touched the portal with her hand; it went through the monitor! Giving a great leap of excitement, she leapt through the portal. Thus the not-so-great not-so-epic misadventure of the 41,341th Orlando Bloom fangirl began!
Kaitlin landed in a forest, her feet gently touching the ground. “Perfect landing!” She beamed and looked around; she looked to be in a lush green forest, and hopefully the forest in the north that led to her love Legolas! Unfortunately, Kaitlin had no way to confirm that this was Mirkwood and she could have wound up on the other side of the continent instead, but hey, the powers of love and dreams fills in all the holes, right? Right? Come on readers, right?
Looking over to the left, Kaitlin saw a wide dirt road running through the forest, presumably for other travelers. She strode confidently to it, picked a direction, and began to walk.
Now at this point in the story, every Legolas fangirl has an easy, frequently carefree trip through wherever it is she must go to meet Legolas. So I’ll incorporate some obstacles that Bloom fangirls often forget.
After about two minutes, Kaitlin was already getting tired. She never exercised often, preferring to stay locked in her room drooling over her Orlando Bloom fanfics. Her legs ached, and small bugs flew around her, attracted by her sweat. She was bitten several times, and she repeatedly swatted at thin air, vainly trying to shoo away the flies. “I hope this…leads me to Legolas!” Kaitlin managed to say through her heavy breathing. “This is just a trial, that’s all!”
Soon, the trees thinned and gave way to vast hills and meadows that stretched as far as Kaitlin could see. She remembered this from the movie…Arwen had run along this path! “This means I’m near the elf city of Rivendell!” Kaitlin clapped her hands together in joy. “I’ll be able to find Legolas!” Of course, she didn’t know that Rivendell was not a city. It was an elven house. Hence the name, the House of Elrond.
After traveling for what she felt was at least an hour, Kaitlin was very thirsty after all of the walking, but there was no water in sight. She was also hungry, and sweat matted her shirt. “This trial…will be worth it if I find Legolas.” She managed to say as she hobbled along, her legs aching worse than ever.
Intermission: Now I can’t be too harsh to poor Kaitlin, so I’ll throw in a common LotR fic cliché.
As Kaitlin reached the top of a particularly large hill, she gasped. A beautiful tan colored stallion stood to the side of the road, nibbling on bits of grass and swishing his tail majestically. Kaitlin had a hunch that she could use this horse to get to the elf city Rivendell faster!
So, without any horseback riding or any pause to consider that maybe this was a wild horse or a horse that already belonged to someone, she gave a great leap and landed on the horse’s back. The horse gave a great neigh of surprise and tried to turn around to see the offending idiot.
“Okay horsie!” Kaitlin commanded happily, apparently forgetting that horses do not communicate in human speech. “You’re gonna take me to Rivendell city now!”
Intermission: Remember when I said I couldn’t be too harsh to Kaitlin? I lied.
The horse gave a great rear and threw Kaitlin from his back. Kaitlin landed face down in the dirt and hit her head. Stars exploded in front of her eyes as she stared down at the ground. Shakily, she got up. Her clothes were now covered in the dust from the road, and the horse had resumed his eating, apparently satisfied with what he had done to Kaitlin.
“That’s no way to treat a rider, horsie!” Kaitlin marched to the side of the horse. “You’re gonna take me to Rivendell…NOW!” She leapt again, but the horse moved away almost casually, and Kaitlin landed face down for the second time in the grass. Her head spinning, Kaitlin stood up. The horse gave a small neigh as it ate, as if giggling.
Kaitlin waited a few minutes until her head had stopped spinning. “Okay, okay!” Kaitlin paced around to the horse’s backside. “I’ll give you a few minutes to eat, then we’re going! But I need to give you a name…how does ‘Percy’ sound as a name for you?”
Without warning, the horse raised on one of its hind legs and kicked Kaitlin in the stomach. She flew back to the ground, gasping. “Okay.” She rasped as she got up. “We’ll think of something else later.”
Once she regained her breath, the horse had stopped eating and was staring at Kaitlin as if daring her to come any closer. “Okay horsie…now that you’re done eating…let’s RIDE!” The horse did not move this time, but gave a loud neigh of annoyance. “Ride, horsie! Ride!” She kicked her heels into the horse’s sides.
Kaitlin just had time to grab the sides of the horse before it took off full speed down the road. Kaitlin barely managed to stop herself from falling over and she was dizzy from almost falling off. But she was going to Rivendell at last! Soon she would get to Rivendell city, where she would find Legolas for sure! So, her adventure continued just like most fangirls’ adventures: Without knowledge, experience, or any idea where she is, but still progressing! Kaitlin’s adventure is similar, I just put in a lot of the minor obstacles that a lot of fangirls seem to omit.
After what felt like another hour, Kaitlin was thinking that she had to be close to Rivendell by now. Arwen hadn’t been riding for that long…
Her thinking was stopped by her speeding horse, which stopped abruptly and hurled Kaitlin off his back. Kaitlin screamed and splashed face down, yet again, into a stream.
She sat up, shivering from the cold. She was thirsty and hungry, but she had forgotten she had landed clear in a fresh water stream. Her horse had also ridden off, neighing in joy that it had finally gotten rid of his pathetic rider.
Kaitlin looked around. She remembered this area from somewhere…it was where Arwen had fended off those black rider thingies! She thought. She had no idea what the black rider thingies were, since she had fast forwarded through all scenes that didn’t involve Legolas, but where was the harm in that? She was here!
Suddenly she remembered she was in a fresh water stream, and that she was thirsty. She drank several gulps of the water happily, glad to no longer have a dry, parched mouth.
When she looked up, she saw several short men staring at her. But they couldn’t be men, they were too short, and they had ponies with them…
“Hobbits!” Kaitlin pointed at the small halflings, who were now whispering to each other and snickering. “You’re hob-BAAHH!” A small crustacean had sank its claw into her leg. She hopped around awkwardly. “GET IT OFF! GET IT…OOOOOWW!” She pried it from her leg, and it took some of her skin with it; her ankle began to bleed.
At this, the hobbits roared with laughter, slapping their knees and pointing at Kaitlin.
Intermission: So, you think I’m being too cruel, even if it is a Legolas fangirl? …Nah, I didn’t think so either. :P
Kaitlin shook the water out of her hair and glowered at the laughter hobbits. She marched straight up to them. They stopped laughing, but they were still giggling and smiling at her. “Do you know who I am?” Kaitlin thrust her chest forward in an attempt to look imperious, but since I’m writing the story, she gets no godmoding powers that make her look powerful and mighty. “I am the future wife of Prince Legolas of the Mirkwood, and you have no right to laugh at me!”
The hobbits’ eyes widened, their grins broadened, and they positively collapsed with laughter. Most of them starting wiping tears of laughter from their eyes. One of them gestured to the others, and they took their ponies and led them away, still laughing.
Kaitlin stared after the hobbits, tears starting to well in her eyes. But she shook them off; they would see…once she was Legolas’ lover, she would show them! It didn’t matter if Hobbits weren’t under the command of an elven queen who lived thousands of miles away, because fangirl stories have lots of plot holes in them!
More! More! More!
Now this is justice, and oh how sweet it is. Keep it up, man.