Hey guys, I heard they’re making sequels for the rest of the alphabet, too.
FFVII Extracting Coal: You play as Barret and go around and mine for shit, including oil, coal, uranium, heavy fusionables, fish, and experience points. In other words, it’s a direct sequel to FFXI.
FFVII Finite Cock: Cloud has penis issues. You all know this. In this game, they finally get resolved. In accordance with the Grand List of Console RPG Cliches, he is required to Save the World ™ in order to do this.
FFVII GameCube: Releasing a remake of FFVII on the GameCube instantly shoots it to the top of its generation, regardless of the fact that it’s largely defunct.
FFVII Hard Copy: A text-based FFVII game. Watch out for grues.
FFVII Integrated Circuit: What FFVII would have looked like on the Atari 2600.
FFVII Jedi Council: Because you know that everyone who works for Square is a Star Wars fan-whore.
FFVII Kentucky Fried Chocobo: The ultimate Final Fantasy VII restaurant experience. Come try our Moogle packs! They’re kupo-rrific!!!
FFVII Liquid Crystal: FFVII on the DS and PSP. Wait, I actually WANT this.
FFVII Master of Ceremonies: This game will settle once and for all the never-asked question of whether Jon Stewart or Sephiroth would win in a fight.
FFVII North Carolina: You might be a redneck if you buy this game. Every character’s voice has been changed, and Cid is now voiced by John Rhys-Davies and is so incredibly English it’ll blow your fucking mind.
FFVII Orange County: You play Tifa Lockhart, a perpetually drunk girl with huge knockers, on a quest to defeat Shinra Pornography Inc. for recording naked footage of you at a party one night. What begins as a shitty teen soap opera will soon evolve into a shitty teen soap opera with XTREME EYE LASERS AND SHIT! There’ll be swords! You’ll like it! We promise!
FFVII PC: They actually did release this a while back. It made me a very sad panda when they left out the lyrics to One-Winged Angel. It should be stricken from our minds like The Phantom Menace and every SNL episode made after Will Ferrell left.
FFVII Questionable Content: A direct sequel to FFVII OC. You get one guess.
FFVII Remote Control: An entirely new medium for FFVII to bring some life back into it, because it’s getting pretty fucking old by this time. All characters are controlled by a remote. Of course, this is only playable on the Nintendo Revolution.
FFVII Smoking Crack: This game features Barret, Barret, and more Barret. Its development team is being sued by the ACLU.
FFVII Trading Cards: The first ever actual Final Fantasy CCG. In an effort to differentiate it from other CCGs, it will incorporate the ability to actually refine items from cards. Statisticians estimate that this will result in the loss of eighteen billion lives and the state of Montana. Square representatives had no comment.
FFVII United States Congress: This game is unwinnable, for obvious reasons.