Masterpiece Tract Reviews Episode 2: The Unborn Menace

This is a continuation from that thread Rast made, where I did a MMR-style “review” of Dark Dungeons, a Jack T Chick tract. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s an ultraconservative fundamentalist Christian who I actually sorta respect for being one of the few true christians out there, but that doesn’t spare him from my undying wit and witicism. So, here goes number 2, “Who Murdered Clarice?”!

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Damnit, wench, I told you to turn it to EWTN. I’m sick of The Sopranos, it’s the same old mafia shit. Hey, that reminds me, what’s a mobster’s favourite place to live in New York State? Horseheads! HA HA!..no one will get that but me.

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HOLY SHIT! Mothers, lock up your daughters…well…sons…cuz MICHEAL JACKSON IS ON THE CASE! This Criminal’s got a SMOOTH criminal after him now.

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Oh, my bad, we’ve gone from Mafia to Russian Mafia. Hope Jackson brushed up on his russian, cuz the serfs don’t understand “Billy Jean is Not My Lover” in English, no matter how hard they try.

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Whoa, Bob Vila was appointed a Supreme Court judge?! Sweet! Mabyve he could host a new show called “This Old Bench”!

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SURPRISE! Jesus forgot to wear underpants. All you ladies’ll get your chance to be “nailed” to the “cross” later.

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$75? That’s a total fucking ripoff! I know good places in NYC that sell baby ears for HALF that! Good tasting ones, too. Go GREAT with buffalo sauce. You just practice bad business, Dr. Gilmore.

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That’s one hungry alligator. If I were him I’d eat the egyptian dude too. Jew Baby and Egyptian High Seer, that’s like McNile’s #5 Combo, for free!

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Behold, thou shalt take the form of a cheezy western star, and shalt call thyself something cliche’d like “Rock Gunslinger”…Also, thou shalt hold thine palm against the virgin mary and inform her that she shouldst “Talketh to the hand”…

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The entire government? Even Dick Cheney? Unless he loses some weight, Jesus better find a good chiropractor, FAST!

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I wouldn’t trust a big fat blind pharisee who obviously has no sense of fashion. Where’s Miss Cleo when you need her?

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The inspiration for “The Scream”. Not pictured: Wherever the fuck that second soldier’s head went. Told you to watch where you swing that sword.

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Which is nothing compared to the horrors of being turned into a silhouette by a monochrome sun.

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HOLY SHIT! If I were Jesus, I would forgive you simply on the merits that you have a nice ass.

And there you have it. Note that these aren’t neccessarily my views, I just am a very disturbed man.

Heh. I should have been more half-assed to make fun of things I find humorously stupid.

LOL COMEDY GOLD!

Although making fun of Jack T. Chick (or, as that arrogant bastard calls himself in the mirror, Jesus The Christ) is quite easy- I’d have to say that this was QUITE humerous. Bravo!

Wickedly witty:o .

That was the funniest thing i’ve seen all week. X, I think I’m falling in love with you.:o

Greatest thing of the month, rather =P

Holy shit, this was even more successful than I thought. Well, you guys may see this become a regular thing…of course, I may eventually run out of tracts if Chick slows down or something…or I find another cartoon-style tract maker…

I request this one done, MegamanX2K:

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0084/0084_01.asp

EDIT: If you want to, that is.

Whoa, that’s weird; that tract used to be different. And so was “Sin City”. He also changed the one on evolution a long time ago…

I hate that one about evolution… do that one after the one about homosexuality.

Well I founda hard copy (didn’t take it, but did read it) of “Big Daddy?” And it and the one on that website are different. I forgot all the changes, but one big one was that the current one makes no mention of oil pressure or the oil from garbage thing (the one old mentioned something about some college in Britain making a gallon of oil from 20 tons of garbage put under pressure). Therefore I’m guessing that his sources aren’t very good, but what a surprise. Using Science to back up an unscientific theory is rarely wise.

Heh. Go for it man, this stuff is great!

I just read the How to Get Rich tract. That really pissed me off. First of all, I’m no history buff, but haven’t more wars been started over religion than money? Thermonuclear war because of economic downfall!?!? WHAT THE FUIOUGFFSEHIOFC SOCFNOPHNJV{
KL<MJS}PFOJSDO{P|M
LFO{{MJ{FM

That was the sound of my head exploding.

For some reason its not working for me :frowning:

That’s some crazy stuff you got there. X, you’re a one-man MSTer!

Originally posted by Rast
LOL COMEDY GOLD!

Originally posted by Yar Kramer
That’s some crazy stuff you got there. X, you’re a one-man MSTer!

Ditto ditto

Seconded.

Edit: Jack T. Chick, yershit.

Originally posted by Cybercompost
[b]I request this one done, MegamanX2K:

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0084/0084_01.asp

EDIT: If you want to, that is. [/b]

All I have to say is this. The last part, says how you should surrender yourself to Jesus, and how he loves everyone. Doesn’t this make Jesus a bisexual ‘sinner’?

BTW, nice one X.

I read through all the tracks. I don’t agree with the thing on Catholics, but I enjoyed reading the rest of it.