Letter of aplication

Heaven_s_Soldier · February 8, 2004, 7:22am

Guys I need some help, I am apply for a part time job, and I was wondering whether this (look below), would make you want to hire me.

"Dear Sir and/or Madam,

I am writing this letter; to apply for any and all part time jobs you may have available in your store.  I wish to be a part of your staff because I have often been in your store, and I know I would enjoy working there.  The reason for me wanting a part time job, with your store, is that I will soon be going to university, and I would like to get a start on earning the money for it now.

I know that if you were to hire me, I would be a real asset to your team, for I am a very hard worker, and not matter what the task is I get to it with great enthusiasm.  And I would not stop, until I felt that the job was up to the standard of the rest of the store, if not better.  

As you can see from my enclosed CV, I have already passed my GCSE’s getting 13 passes, and am currently working on my A Levels.  Which gives me quite a bit of spare time, for a job.  

Being an intellectual person I believe I will bring a raised level of thinking to the table.  Also, I am a very calm and relaxed person, so it would take a lot to actually get under my skin, and annoy me.  Which means I can take any form of abuse that the customers (or staff) throw at me, which I believe is a very useful ability.

So overall, I believe I am the right person to help you with any little things that may need doing.  And I would be very grateful if you could get back to be on your decision about a job placement in your store.

		Yours faithfully"

So guys what do you think, is that alright or not?

Genericangstyposter · February 8, 2004, 7:36am

Uh… generally you don’t write a letter. You ask for an application. They give you an application. You fill it out. =p

Also, you have to fix your comma splices and take out extraneous phrases (such as get under my skin AND annoy me… you only need one). While you don’t need the letter, I hope that advice will be helpful in other areas.

Walhalla · February 8, 2004, 10:37am

It depends of the job. Some require a presentation letter, but a student part-time job like that doesn’t need one, unless you’re uh, absolutely sure it’s needed.

If it is, though, I have some comments:

You don’t want your future boss to believe you write the same letter to everybody, changing only the address, right? So, be as precise as possible when you talk about the job. In that letter, you don’t seem to know exactly what you’ll be doing, which is probably normal, but it’s always better to be aware of the tasks and reponsibilities you’ll be given. You can use them to state personal qualities that would help you in your job.

If you know who will read it, don’t write “Dear Sir and/or Madam”. In most cases, though, you won’t know, but there’s always a way to find out.

And uh, don’t be negative in your letter. Things like “…so it would take a lot to actually get under my skin, and annoy me. Which means I can take any form of abuse that the customers (or staff) throw at me, which I believe is a very useful ability.” can be resumed in one or two qualities without talking about the form of abuse.

Anyway, it doesn’t mean your letter is bad, but nobody will be impressed if it looks like you copy/paste the same stuff for all jobs you apply to.

Crotanks · February 8, 2004, 10:50am

Don’t use “yours faithfully.” It kinda sounds desperate.

VickiMints · February 8, 2004, 11:13am

I agree with CC and Walhalla here. When you apply for a job, you should have a specific position in mind, and you should tailor your application information, your resume, and your cover letter toward having that position. It lets the employer know that you’ve bothered to learn something about what having that position involoves and that you have thought through how your skill set fits with that description.

The first thing is to see if the place where you want to work is actually hiring. If they aren’t, I’d suggest finding something else to do. If you’ve been to this store as much as you say, it shouldn’t be too hard to establish some sort of rapport with the people who work there to find out what’s happening. If this is something like Best Buy or another evil corporation, just ask for an application.

About your actual letter - run it through Word for a grammar check so you can see the sentence fragments and comma splices. I don’t know what else to say about it, really… I feel that the way it is currently makes it unnecessary.

edit - This may sound mean, and I apologize if it does. I also agree with Crotanks, but my agreement is more general - to me, the whole letter sounds desperate, not just the closing. When you want a job, you don’t want to let the employer know that you’re desperate. The tone is what turns me off on it. If you could figure out some way to adjust the tone so that it’s not so much that way, it would definitely be better.

demigod · February 8, 2004, 11:45am

Originally posted by Heaven’s Soldier
I am writing this letter; to apply for any and all part time jobs you may have available in your store.

The semicolon shouldn’t be there.

The reason for me wanting a part time job, with your store, is that I will soon be going to university, and I would like to get a start on earning the money for it now.

You don’t need the commas surrounding “with your store”.

I know that if you were to hire me, I would be a real asset to your team, for I am a very hard worker, and not matter what the task is I get to it with great enthusiasm.

“Not” should be “no”.

And I would not stop, until I felt that the job was up to the standard of the rest of the store, if not better.

You don’t need a comma after stop.

As you can see from my enclosed CV, I have already passed my GCSE’s getting 13 passes, and am currently working on my A Levels. Which gives me quite a bit of spare time, for a job.

You should have a comma after “A Levels” rather than a period and remember to make “which” lowercase.

Being an intellectual person I believe I will bring a raised level of thinking to the table.

The word intelligent might be a better choice than “intellectual”.

Also, I am a very calm and relaxed person, so it would take a lot to actually get under my skin, and annoy me. Which means I can take any form of abuse that the customers (or staff) throw at me, which I believe is a very useful ability.

Again the period here can be replaced with a comma. Also, the phrase “it would take a lot to actually get under my skin (no comma) and annoy me” may not be the best choice of wording; it is usually not best to use idiomatic expressions in a formal letter.

So overall, I believe I am the right person to help you with any little things that may need doing.

The initial “So” seems superfluous, and you should probably include a “that” after “believe”.

And I would be very grateful if you could get back to be on your decision about a job placement in your store.

The “And” is unnecessary, and make sure to switch “be” to “me”

Yours faithfully

“Sincerely” may be a better closing.

As others have said, if you have a specific position that you would like, focus your efforts on explaining why you should be hired for that job, and the chances of obtaining that position increase.

Evangelion · February 8, 2004, 11:50am

I’ve done this in school recently and have written a cover letter for my job experience class…I wrote it for the animal shelter I sometimes work at.

Ok your address should be up in the right hand corner like this:

Heavens Soldier
10 No where lane
Some city (dont include your country, that’s obvious)
123456
(Phone number here)

Skip a space

Employer’s name here
Job placement here
Job placement street here
Zip code
Phone number

Skip a space

“Dear Sir and/or Madam,”

-you should insert the employer’s name, or whoever you’re requesting the job interview from, right there.

I am writing this letter; to apply for any and all part time jobs you may have available in your store. I wish to be a part of your staff because I have often been in your store, and I know I would enjoy working there. The reason for me wanting a part time job, with your store, is that I will soon be going to university, and I would like to get a start on earning the money for it now.

Give the specific position. Since it is a store, there are many positions open to young people such as stacking shelves, cashier, working with customers, etc. And each of those gives way to many sub jobs special to their category. The way you word it suggests you are a freeloader who doesn’t really care about what he’s interested in. Also, in this paragraph, you should introduce who you are, what you’re looking for in a job, whether it’s your first, etc. You also should not state the reason why you want a job, because, it’s unecessary, and a bit immature sounding, as if you’re trying to suck up, with a good reason.

I know that if you were to hire me, I would be a real asset to your team, for I am a very hard worker, and not matter what the task is I get to it with great enthusiasm. And I would not stop, until I felt that the job was up to the standard of the rest of the store, if not better.

The first statement should go in your conclusion, or your last paragraph. This paragraph should state your interests and skills pertaining to the job, and why you feel youare best for a specific position, which you’ve kinda done. This should be your seller paragraph. Dont say things that “I will do things up to the store’s standards, if not better”. It sounds vainglorious, and kind of bragging and you want to sound as professional as possible.

As you can see from my enclosed CV, I have already passed my GCSE’s getting 13 passes, and am currently working on my A Levels. Which gives me quite a bit of spare time, for a job.

Should be included in the second paragraph. Dont give them a book to read.

Being an intellectual person I believe I will bring a raised level of thinking to the table. Also, I am a very calm and relaxed person, so it would take a lot to actually get under my skin, and annoy me. Which means I can take any form of abuse that the customers (or staff) throw at me, which I believe is a very useful ability.

You’re applying to a store, not the english government. The first sentence shouldn’t be there, as well as the second. They will evaluate you and think if you are a calm person if you get the job, they dont need to take your word for it. Try to keep the letter in context of the job. The last statement shouldn’t be there as well, it sounds insulting.

So overall, I believe I am the right person to help you with any little things that may need doing. And I would be very grateful if you could get back to be on your decision about a job placement in your store.

Again, state the specific position or field you want to work in. You need to work on your conclusion more…get rid of “grateful” and say something like, “I would appreciate your feedback on the postings of <specific job> and I feel I am the appropriate person for this type of work” End it there. And put THANK YOU right after. You always have to remember thank you.

Yours faithfully"

Sincerely darling, Sincerely. Professional, remember?

Then type your name, and leave your phone number underneath that. Leave enough space above your typed name so you can add your signature.

Include your CL on top of your resume.

AngelOfTheLion · February 8, 2004, 1:21pm

so it would take a lot to actually get under my skin, and annoy me. Which means I can take any form of abuse that the customers (or staff) throw at me, which I believe is a very useful ability.

As many people have already said, that sentence is unnecessary, and doesn’t sound very professional.

It’s always a good idea to focus on one particular position. Applying for ‘any and all’ part time jobs gives the impression that you’re deperate and have possible been turned down by a lot of other places. Try to show your talents without sounding big-headed (which is sometimes difficult to do). Employers always like to hear that people can work alone and as part of a team, and that potential applicants work well with the general public (if you’re applying for a job in a store) and that they look forward to a challenge. References from your school or college about attendance and punctuality can help as well, employers like to know that their staff are reliable.

I would also leave out the fact that you will be going to university. Unless you’re studying nearby, this implies that you will only be able to work there up until September/October, and they may not consider you for the position. If they ask at interview, obviously don’t lie to them about it, you at least have the chance to impress them then, whereas if you let them know before they ask specifically, you may not get very far with your application.

You could make a little more about your spare time. If you would be willing to work long hours, mentioning it may well be in your favour.

Technically, I think you only use sincerely to finish your letter if you know the person’s name, and faithfully if you’re writing Sir/Madam.

Dark_Sand · February 8, 2004, 4:26pm

You should definitely drop by the store and see if they have a standard application form or if they would like you to make a formal application with a letter and such. If they have a standard for then you won’t need the letter at all. If however you do then you should at least try to find out the name of the person who handles hiring, it’ll make your letter stand out that much more if you know their name.

Dear Sir and/or Madam,

The person reading your letter will be a Sir or Madam, but not both, its a silly grammatical error, but one that popped out at me instantly, you don’t want that.

I am writing this letter; to apply for any and all part time jobs you may have available in your store. I wish to be a part of your staff because I have often been in your store, and I know I would enjoy working there. The reason for me wanting a part time job, with your store, is that I will soon be going to university, and I would like to get a start on earning the money for it now.

This sounds too bulky, try something more along these lines:

“I have been a customer of your store for many years and have always felt that it had a nice friendly atmosphere; I would thus like to submit my application for any part time jobs you might have available. I will be entering university in the fall (or winter, but be precise) and I would like the opportunity to begin earning money to help pay for my tuition. I believe that your store would be a great place to do so.”

I know that if you were to hire me, I would be a real asset to your team, for I am a very hard worker, and not matter what the task is I get to it with great enthusiasm. And I would not stop, until I felt that the job was up to the standard of the rest of the store, if not better.

Saying you’re a great candidate is important, but so is how you’re saying it, from reading this paragraph I get the feeling that you’re making impossible claims. Also be more confident; try something like this:

“I feel I would make a great addition to your store, I’m a very diligent worker and I learn new tasks quickly. No matter what the task is, I apply myself fully to its completion in an efficient and professional manner.”

As you can see from my enclosed CV, I have already passed my GCSE’s getting 13 passes, and am currently working on my A Levels. Which gives me quite a bit of spare time, for a job.

I’m not sure that most of these acronyms mean, but this paragraph looks generally good.

Being an intellectual person I believe I will bring a raised level of thinking to the table. Also, I am a very calm and relaxed person, so it would take a lot to actually get under my skin, and annoy me. Which means I can take any form of abuse that the customers (or staff) throw at me, which I believe is a very useful ability.

You sound too arrogant and at the same time you’re saying you’re a glorified punching bag. Try something more along these lines:

“I consider myself an intellectual person and I believe that I would be able to present new and innovative ideas to the table. I’m also a calm and relaxed person which I believe makes me a pleasant person to work with. I feel these same traits will allow me to better deal with any irate customers I may have to deal with.”

So overall, I believe I am the right person to help you with any little things that may need doing. And I would be very grateful if you could get back to be on your decision about a job placement in your store.

Too long, this for something more classic:

“I believe that I would make a good addition your company and I would very much like the opportunity to discus my application with you in further detail. I can be reach (put your contact information here, include times you can be reached and at what telephone number. Try not to give a cell number since they don’t have great reception and it makes business dealings more difficult.)”

Yours faithfully"

Don’t use that, just say “Sincerely,”

Be sure to include your name at the bottom and to sign the letter by hand.

And there you have it, just remember that the changes I made are just as a reference. I wrote this letter very quickly and it is far from perfect, these are just suggestions of how you could try to rework things.

Heaven_s_Soldier · February 9, 2004, 11:18am

Thanks for the assisstance guys. You are pretty good at this sort of stuff.

I’ll redo this, and see where it gets me.

GG_Crono · February 9, 2004, 11:30am

Add a note that says you don’t mind fetching coffee and you’re golden. :hahaha;

Kaiser · February 9, 2004, 12:00pm

Let me pick up my editor’s pen here.

I don’t do any hiring, but I will say that me and my coworkers do hold on to and read some of the jucier (read: lame-er) apps and read them for a chuckle during the downtime, so I have a good sense of what is gonna look bad and what’s gonna make people go “damn, this person’s OVERqualified.”

Yeah, you should probably stop by the store first and fill out any standard application form they have first.

Though it wouldn’t hurt to add a letter like this. Sorta shows a “going the extra mile” quality, and might create the impression you want this job more than the average applicant. That could break a tie in your favor.

"Dear Sir and/or Madam,

<strike>I am writing this letter; to apply for any and all part time jobs you may have available in your store.</strike> I wish to be a part of your staff. <strike>because</strike> I have often been in your store, and I know I would enjoy working there. <strike>The reason for me wanting a part time job, with your store, is that</strike> I will soon be going to university, and I would like to [deleted] start earning the money for it now.

I <strike>know</strike> believe <strike>that</strike> if you were to hire me, I would be a real asset to your team. <strike>for</strike> I am a very hard worker, and no matter what the task is I get to it with great enthusiasm. And I would not stop, until I felt that the job was up to the standard of the rest of the store, if not better.

As you can see from my enclosed CV, I have already passed my GCSE’s getting 13 passes, and am currently working on my A Levels. Which gives me quite a bit of spare time, for a job.

[Editor’s Note: GOOD. Availabilty is always good. Letting them know that a student actually has time to give them goes over well. Better than the average student]

<strike>Being an intellectual person I believe I will bring a raised level of thinking to the table. Also,</strike> I am a very calm and relaxed person, so it would take a lot to actually get under my skin, <strike>and annoy me</strike>.

Which means I can take any form of abuse that the customers (or staff) throw at me, which I believe is a very useful ability.

[[a good thought, and a useful skill, but I’d phrase it differently, and it might be better not to suggest you expect abuse from the staff. Maybe changing to something like

“maintaining a positive attitude even when dealing with hostile attitudes.”

something like that.]]

So overall, I believe I am the right person to help you with any little things that may need doing. And I would be very grateful if you could get back to be on your decision about a job placement in your store.

[This last paragraph may not be necessary. Maybe replace it with something like “I look forward to hearing from you” or something. I dunno.]

<strike>Yours faithfully</strike> Sincerely"