Readers digest condensed video games
Final Fantasy I
Four heros arrive
Hero 1: Who are we?
Hero 2: Beats the hell out of me.
Hero 3: We do have these crystals…
Hero 4: I know, lets kill these element creatures and see if our crystals light up.
They kill some monsters, their crystals light up.
Hero 1: This is fun.
Hero 2: Now lets travel back in time because the first guy we killed… he wasn’t dead back then
Hero 3: If we can travel back in time, why don’t we travel to a point where he’s still a baby, and kill him then?
Hero 4: Or even travel back far enough to stop every evil act that’s ever been committed?
But, of course, Hero 3 and 4 were a thief and red mage so they were USELESS and thus ignored by everyone else.
Chaos: Now I’ll destroy you.
Hero 1: I don’t think so, I’m a Ninja with a quick spell
Chaos dies, ending sucks.Final Fantasy IV (II in the united states)
Cecil: Being a red wing sucks. We have to steal, loot and pillage and my crew speaks Russian (only a Canadian or a hockey fan would get that joke)
Golbez: With the king under my control I can collect the crystals and go to the moon to receive some unknown and untested power
Cecil: Not if I turn into a paladin first and stop you
Cecil turns into a Paladin, but before he can finally kick the s*** out of Golbez…
Golbez: Wait, I’m your bro. Sorry about all the wet willies. Go to the moon and kill Zemus
Cecil: But I wanna kill you…
Instead Cecil goes to the moon
Zemus: I’ll turn into Zeromus and kill you
Cecil: No you won’t, cause I have all Crystal gear with Adamant armor
Zeromus: How did you get that?
Cecil: I played this f***ing game for over 250 hours
Zeromus, unable to compete with the fact that Cecil has no life, succumbs to the inevitable
Cecil: Sweet, now I can rule Baron and collect all the crystals for myself! Ah ha ha ha
To be continued?Final Fantasy V
Some stuff happens. Some more stuff happens. Galuf dies and is replaced by a chick who is 99% forehead. They kill some stuff, some more stuff happens, and suddenly the game is over. What a rip offFinal Fantasy VI
Terra: I think I’ll kill this town, grab the esper and be on my way. Oh, ****, the esper knows me
Locke: Never fear, you were possessed by this slave crown
Terra: Oh, okay. Let’s destroy the empire
Emporer: oh look, goddess statues. I hope someone doesn’t betray me on my own island and steal the power to make him (or her) a god
Kefka: I’m going to betray you on your own island and steal the power to make me a god
Kefka causes a small apocalypse
Cecles: Crap, the world is an ugly brown colour, the overworld music sucks and I don’t know where I am. Oh well, at least I can kill Cid
She kills Cid
Celes: Oh look, a raft. I think I’ll re-unite myself with my friends and defeat Kefka
She reunites herself with her friends
Terra: Thank god you found me, I was worried that the audience would forget that I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER
Celes: No you’re not, I am
Locke: I’d hate to break it to you ladies, but I am
Setzer: Excuse me, WHO has the airship again?
They fight for a while. No-one wins, but they kill Umaro and no-one notices
Celes: Oh, nevermind, lets just split into three groups and kill Kefka
Everyone else: That works
They ALL meet up with Kefa (except for Umaro who they killed and Relm who is useless)
Kefka: You think you can kill me?!? I’m a GOD!
Celes: Yeah, but we have an advantage you don’t have
Kefka: And what’s that?
Celes: We have 14 MAIN characters, all ready to kick your ass
Kefka: oh, ****
Cool music plays, kefka dies
Celes: Sweet, Kefka is dead
But so is the world. Sucks to be the world. The EndFinal Fantasy VII:
Barret: Shinra sure sucks, don’t it? Lets kill a few reactors
Cloud: Only if you pay me
But the assignment was botched and Cloud ends up with Aaris
Cloud: I’m cloud, I’m a soldier first class
Aeris: I’m Aeris, I’m an ancient
Cloud cross-dresses, meets up with Tifa
Tifa: I’m a life support system for breasts
Barret: We have no time for that, Shinra’s going to destroy sector 7
They do, everyone gets pissed
But that’s okay, cause Sephiroth kills the president
Cloud: Wait, Sephiroth’s still alive? I have a score to settle with him.
Because none of the other characters have lives, they follow Cloud under the misguided notion that Cloud is really stopping Sephiroth because Seffie wants to go to the promised land
Cloud: Oh look, Black materia
Sephiroth: I’ll take that
Seffie summons meteor
Cloud: This sucks.
Seffie: I think I’ll also kill Aeris
Cloud: This sucks more
Aeris dies
Tifa: I’m a life support system for breasts
Sephiroth: You never were in soldier at all, were you cloud?
Cloud: No, I wasn’t. I was worried Tifa wouldn’t like me, so I lied
Tifa: I’m a life support system for breasts
Cloud: Lets go kill Sephiroth
Sephiroth: You can’t kill me, I’m by far the best villain in any of the Final Fantasy games
Cloud: You’re right, we cant
They don’t kill Sephiroth, Meteor hits, everyone dies but Sephiroth who feeds off the energy and becomes God. The endFinal Fantasy VIII
Squall: I’m introverted
Seifer: I’m an *******. Let’s fight
They do and get matching scars
Cid: Okay, you’ve passed your seed exam. Seifer, disregard the last statement. Everyone else, go help Rinoa.
Squall: Whatever
Their plan fails because they are DUMBASSES.
Cid: Let’s just shoot the Sorceress
Squall: Whatever
They try to, but this plan fails too
Quistis: Wanna try for the sorceress again?
Cid: No time for that now, Galbania is attacking
Squall: Whatever
Galbania attacks. The attack must’ve sucked, though, or they wern’t trying very hard. At any rate their fully trained Seeds fell with one swipe of Squall’s gunblade, who is still just finishing his training
They then attack the Sorceress
Zell: Yippie we won
Irvine: But Rinoa’s in a coma
Squall: Whatever
Matron: Take her to Ester. Take me too
Zell: But you’re the sorceress
Matron: your point being?
Zell: I guess I don’t have one
They go to Ester. You use Matron in your party, but then she leaves before you can take back all the magic you junctioned to her. You get so pissed you don’t play the game for about 3 weeks.
Odine: You gotta go to space to save Rinoa
Squall: Whatever
They go to space. Bad move. Rinoa released some monsters, and starts floating through space
Squall: I just realized I love her. Of all the crappy timing, now I gotta go save her
Squall dons a spacesuit and jumps out. Catches her
Squall: It’s a good thing this ship that’s been missing for 20 years just happened to be here at this exact place and time that it is most needed. Someone up there loves me
Laguna: If you compress time, you can stop Ultimicia
Squall: Who?
Laguna: Ultimicia
Squall: Whatever
They compress time. They go through Ultimicia’s castle. With a combination of encounter none, restore, revive and limit breaks the castle is remarkably easy
Ultimicia: Here’s my only role in the game I’d better not screw it up… PREPARE TO DIE, SEEBS… oh, crap I screwed it up
Squall does Lion Heart. She dies because she can say anything else.
Squall: That’s it?!? You’re a sorceress from the future! At least put up a decent fight!
Everyone: How do we get back, exactly?
They get back (somehow)
The most amazing FMV I’ve ever seen ensues.
The End
funny thing I found while browsing the internet
Interesting… very interesting.