I wrote this originally in a mail, but I realized that it was so funny that I had to share it with a greater audience. This is my recollection of a story that my ol’ schoolmate Hanna told me when we had a cup of tea together the other day. Since I haven’t played Diablo, bear with any errors of my memory.
She’s planning a fanfic for Diablo, based on a two-player game which Hanna had with her friend Jenny, whom hadn’t played the game much before.
So they set off with the plan of going on a treasure hunt just to level up their characters, so that they later could use them to beat the game. Hanna had a paladin who’s name I forget, while Jenny used a barbarian whom she named “Schlyna” (from the Swedish word “slyna”, which pretty much means “whore”. Don’t ask. Hanna plans on making that name “Biatch” in the fic, since she’s writing it in English).
Anyway, there toddles now the paladin who’s name I forget and the big bad Schlyna down in the bowels of the underworld and looks for treasures, kills stuff and levels up. Only one thing, Jenny doesn’t know what “Vitality” is. So, she simply ignored “vitality” by every level up and put everything on other stuff, mainly “strength”, instead. Hanna didn’t notice this until they were getting ready to go down and fight Mephisto.
“Why Jenny,” Hanna then spoke, “what’s up with your stats? You have REALLY low vitality, my friend.”
“What is this vitality you speak of?” Jenny asked, clueless.
Hanna paused at this and took a closer look at her friend’s stats, noticing the levels of it all. Schlyna the barbarian was now as strong as an ox (and twice as good looking, which is very good according to the chancellor in Dragon Warrior II) and had decent defence, but the health points of a sparrow.
“Lo,” Hanna did say, “dost thou see that Health Bar and its really low, red filling?”
“Oh dearie,” Jenny answered, and they went off to level some more.
(Okay, they wouldn’t speak like that even if they were paid, but it makes the story funnier, doesn’t it? Now keep munching your popcorn.)
To the story one might also add that after a long while, Hanna noticed that Schlyna was still wearing shoes from the very beginning of the game, while the rest of her armor was up to par. This sent the two brave heroines off in a hunt for new shoes. And they ended up with five nice pairs, out of which Jenny profusely refused to sell any.
Eventually they managed to get to Mephisto and beat him up real well, and then set off towards Diablo’s lair.
However, as they were almost done setting off all the signets, by accident the paladin touched the last signet during a battle with the guardians of it. This led to another discussion between the two valiant players.
“Oops,” Hanna muttered, and then turned to her friend, “Jenny, old chap, Diablo is loose.”
Jenny was horrified by this, and the signet guards were still not defeated.
“Oh no!” Jenny did squeal, “my Schlyna! No! We can’t fight Diablo yet, she’ll get killed! I’ve gotten fond of her!”
(Note that since Jenny was speaking Swedish, she was practically saying “Oh no! My whore!”)
“Now look,” Hanna sighed, “if we don’t get our asses into that room right now and fight Diablo, he’ll get HIS fiery ass out here and fight us anyway. Now come on!”
And so she proceeded to drag Jenny and Schlyna into the chamber of the Evil One by their toenails. And they were victorious in the end. The paladin and Schlyna. Not the toenails.
The fic that Hanna is planning will be about the shoe-greedy, frail but very strong and frightened barbarian Biatch and her adventures in the monster-infested underworld. ^^;;