How not to do it.

Not my fic! The link!:ah-ha!:

Just say no.

The above story is terrible. I mean really terrible. I hate it, thus I wrote this. Not only is it a MS, it has the worst spelling, punctuation and grammar ever. EVER.

I wrote the PPC send-up in about half an hour. Any mistakes were the fault of the bad fic’s influence over me.

Oh, incidentally, I’m back. What did I miss in the last week I was gone?


Kirsten screamed and fell backwards, away from the monitor, as the fic flashed up onto the screen, blinding her with it’s sheer idiocy.

Tyler jumped up from his game of Solitaire and ran over to her, trying to pry her hands away from her eyes. It was like trying to wrench open the jaws of a car crusher. “What? What happened?” he asked.

Kirsten pointed. “How can they do this to us?” she whispered sadly. “How can they do it to themselves?”

Tyler, mindful of his partner’s reaction, looked out of the corner of his eye at the screen. What he saw chilled him. He looked away as Kirsten stood up. She was already loading her pack. He saw her shove a long-handled sword into it and frowned. “We’re not actually going to do this are we?” he asked.

Kirsten glared at him. “Shut up and grab the your stuff,” she snarled. Tyler did, and she slammed her thumb down on the portal-opener with palpable hate, giving them both standard Generic Student features.

“This time they’ve gone too far,” she hissed, as the two dropped into the FFVIII continuum.


“its worse in person” tyler said looking around at the garden.

kirsten turned to him. “we find we kill we go home and we NEVER speak of this again” she said menacingly. Already the grammar was losing touch with what little reality they had brought with them.

tyler didn’t even attempt conversation. he just followed kirsten and walked behind her as she went into the dorms. he rubbed his head as the lack of punctuation started to weigh him down with hard-to-read sentences and tried to look at as few objects as he could to avoid painful descriptions. before he knew it he had stopped.

kirsten turned to him. “wait”

tyler strained his ears and listened to the voices coming from the dorm.

“whats for dinner?” squall asked as he walked in. “um, im cooking chocobo and veges” rinoa replied. “…yum” squall almost didnt say but rinoa gave him an evil stare oh god, it better not get burnt, and she better not kill me “how long will it be?” squall asked. “half an hour” rinoa replied. “hey shayne, why dont we go out and train?” squall asked his son. “ok” shayne replied in a dull voice. as they went outside squall called to rinoa “we wont be long!” and they left out toward the training centre. “hey dad, what if we encounter a ‘T-Rexaur’?” shayne asked squall. “well, we’ll just do our best against it. ill talk to you more if we battle one” squall told shayne. “ok, dad” shayne said. they went off and started fighting some grats.

Kirsten smiled evilly and turned back to tyler. “our stop” she said, the lack of expression on her face a relief for a change.


‘battle begins with 2 grats’

tyler groaned as the not-quite authors note sounded through… wherever it is they were. the location hadn’t been specified by the author, so the two assassins and squall and the stu were standing in the middle of an endless grey field, devoid of features.

they actually said they were in a battle! Obviously writing was not the authors strong point. or even a weak one. Anorexic bastardised twig of a point was more like it. And blunt.

"hey dad! let me take this one!"shayne said. “are you sure?” squall asked. “yeah, im sure” shayne replied. “ok, then… GO ON TAKE IT!!” shayne nodded and grabbed his gunblade and jumped into his fighting stance. “time to go down, grat!” shayne yelled. shayne ran up to the first grat and attacked it. “damn its not dead!” shayne screamed. “its ok, shayne ill take it down…” “no dad, I wanna kill it!!” shayne butted in. “ok, go for it, ill go for the other one” squall told shayne. squall attacked the second grat and it was almost dead. shayne attacked the fist grat again, but it still wouldnt go down. “damn, why wont you die!!” “shayne its ok! even if you cant beat it in two shots yoou can still take down that rival of yours!” nick… shayne thought.“shayne, you can do it, i know you can” squall told his son. “right! now, RENZOKUKEN!!” squall hit the grat 6 times perfectly and it went down. “yeah! i did it!” shayne yelled with joy. “you did it shayne!” squall congratulated shayne. “now just one hit and this one will go down! aaahhhhhh!!” squall hit it and it went down.

‘end of battle’

Kirsten didn’t even bother with any of the usual formalities. She just strode right up to the stu and screamed, at the same time bringing down her sword on top of his head in a painful but not lethal slice. Tyler winced as he imagined what higher-ups would think. He saw Squall take one step forward and sighed as the man hesitated and the grammar returned to normal. The SeeD Commander stood there for a second as if coming out of a dream, and then turned and walked away slowly, as the featureless grey plain was described and resolved into the familiar surroundings of the Training Centre.

Kirsten turned and picked up the body, looking around furtively as she did so. The penny dropped.

“We’re not supposed to be here are we?” Tyler said.

Kirsten glared at him. “Look at the above paragraphs and tell me this wasn’t worth it,” she said.

Tyler sighed. “Fine.” He pointed an accussing finger at her. “All this was your idea. You didn’t tell me you’d be going off on a murder-spree,” he explained. His as sufficiently covered, he smiled. “That was terrible,” he said.

Kirsten shrugged, and the Stu groaned. “What now?” she asked.
“I think Weapon has had enough food for one week,” he said.

“Then… another?” he suggested.

Kirsten grinned evilly. “Take your pick,” she said.


Kirsten poked her head through the portal. After one second she quickly un-poked it. She raised an eyebrow. “Lovecraft?”

This time it was Tyler who shrugged. “I always liked Call. Help me with this guy.” He grabbed the duct-tape keeping the Stu’s mouth shut and ripped it off.

“you cant do this to me! squall Leonhart will kill you for thi”

“Shayne, you stand accused of being a Stu so obvious other Stu’s run in disgust. Your grammar would shame a three year old and your punctuation isn’t just bad, it’s nonexistent. You also have a name none but old western gunsligers should have. Right now we’re gonna throw you into a huge city populated by a giant demon from outer space, to be driven insane and eaten. Any last words. Make them count.”


“Can and am.” And they threw him.

Kirsten looked down as the kid landed with a thud against the stone, and then smiled as a massive fissure appeared in the stone behind the unfortunate creation, and stone doors swung inward. She didn’t stay and watch. She liked her sanity where it was.


“Thtupid people,” Tyler complained, as he dumped his pack. He hadn’t needed any of it.

Kirsten lay back against her chair. “But goddamn it felt good,” she said.

Tyler looked thoughtful for a second. “Th’ true,” he agreed, and sat down next to his game of Solitaire. It had been a good day.

I will find them and choke them.

Wow, that is honestly the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life. There’s so much wrong it’s hard to know where to start critizing it. Your story is much better. MUCH better.

If it wasn’t I would never touch a keyboard again. Anyway it was just a small I’m-angry-so-let’s-kill-him kinda thing. I do it with things I hate.

Go read the original PPC fics by Jay and Acacia as well, they’re pretty cool.

Great job, Pierson :slight_smile: We must fight them on land, on the sea, in the Gardens…

Your PPCers are giving me some trouble though, it’s not that I don’t like them but I’m uncertain on whether they fit in the archives of RPGC. Then again, they’re constructive critisism with some violence…
But we can always have a discussion about it :slight_smile: Shall we make a poll perhaps?

Linking to should be considered worse than linking to porn.

prods teh ev0l fic. Eww, I think it’s coagulating.

Originally posted by Cloth Hat
Linking to should be considered worse than linking to porn.

FFnet is like London. Some parts you never step down.

Weiila: Why not just stick them in the FFVIII or Misc categories. They’re (although I plan to change this soon) set in the FFVIII world. Or better yet make a whole new categroy and warn people that said category contains extreme elements of violence and sarcasm. ^_-

Wow, unbelievably that piece of shit makes my writing look good.

Here’s my review and to that I say Nya!

Sephiroth Hayes

Ever hear the expression everytime you write bad fanfiction God kills a kitten? Buddy in only 2 chapters you killed off an entire litter. Seriously this is the most disgusting and error filled festering piece of fanfictionised crappiness in the world, hell people on formus have made threads on how crap it is. And PS2 in the FF8 world? You turd. Here’s some advice: actually go to your English lessons instead of skiving off to go get a blowjob from chichiri’s-girl.

Wow! Haha! You sure are one fine <strike>camper</strike> scuba diver to sink to that level!

It’s sadly true, but flames seldom leads to anything good… constructive critisism often manage to hit harder.
Which makes me think of that FF7 Sue that got sent to me last year… I shouldn’t have deleted it, then you guys could have had fun with it. But I was too horrified, as that was the first time I ever came across a true blue Sue curls up in a shaking ball

I know I should have been nicer but it just pissed me off, especially the PS2.

Originally posted by Weiila
It’s sadly true, but flames seldom leads to anything good… constructive critisism often manage to hit harder.
Which makes me think of that FF7 Sue that got sent to me last year… I shouldn’t have deleted it, then you guys could have had fun with it. But I was too horrified, as that was the first time I ever came across a true blue Sue curls up in a shaking ball

If you get any more send 'em to me and I’ll rip 'em apart. :stuck_out_tongue:

Sina I think her name was. Seduced Sephiroth by dancing with a pillow singing “I tried so hard and got so far…” four or so paragraphs beneath his speech about not being interested in women. Then she saved him in the lifestream at the end of the game after having suffered under the seducement attempts from Rufus Shinra. Had a son with Sephy, ran into Cloud and Tifa who went nuts and then walked off fuming without even considering fighting Seph.
Then they moved in with Yuffie and Vincent, who were flirting. Then Yuffie seduced Sephy while Vincent tried to keep Sina away with a breathtaking kiss. So she ran away and had a kid with Rufus. Then Sephy came to get her and forgave her in a tearwrenching scene.
And then Jenova and Hojo came back for no good reason apart from that there needed to be a final fight.
The end.
I cried. I wrote her back saying she had too many little mistakes (I’m too damn nice). She told me that she’d brush it up and resubmit. I screamed in horror and deleted all remains of the damn thing from my comp.
Haven’t heard anymore from her, thank god. But I really should have kept the story I suppose…

The PPC are gooooooood.

If you got any more, you know my e-mail address.:wave::hahaha;

Haihai, captain!

The PPC, saving the earth from the scum of badfic authors.

Like Men in Black, but with worse dress sense.

Wow . . .

I couldn’t even read that because I was just . . . . so many grammer and spelling errors . . . falls to the ground

gets back up Can anyone tell me if that guy seriously thinks he is a good writer? I’ve seen him a few times on but never read his stories. Now I know why . -_-’

BTW, good PPC Pierson. ^.^:cool:

Unfortunately stories like these infest FFnet like a cancer. It’s a damn shame.