How I saved the world part 2

I did not expect such a reception. After all, I was just one man, trying to make his mark on this one lonely planet, in this one big old universe. When it comes down to it, there’s only so many trees to piss on, and I lost my urinary tract to a hacksaw and a vietnamese hooker named Betty years ago. But oh my was it worth it. Every time I empty my piss sack onto an unsuspecting squirrel in the backyard, I think back to that night with the fondest of memories. Betty…Betty…what wonderful canines you had. But despite my utter lack of male genitalia and the bizarre scent of rotting cabbage excreting from my belly button, the people were in love with me, and I had a duty to perform.

Some people might say that I’m a little out of touch with “reality.” Well, to those people, I say they’re a little out of touch with my fist up their ass. Or more like, they’re way in touch with my fist up their ass, because I’m pretty sure this smelly brown stain on my knuckles isn’t from me. Fairly goddamn sure. Well, alright, I wouldn’t wager any money on it. The point is, my fecal fists of justice transcend all realms of reality, imagination, platonic forms, superterrestrial dimensions, the glory holes in twenty-four hour roadside diner bathrooms.

But what is reality anyway? Just a mishmash collection of perceptions about the human condition, that’s what it is. Of course you might be wondering why I would ask a question that I already knew the answer to, but that’s just the way I roll. Alas, there is more to my question than a mere question. The reality of reality is that the human condition is a constant state of pain, suffering, anguish, turmoil, misery, treachery, deceit, and worst of all skullduggery, though that one sort of died off with hot pants and disco. Many disagree with my so-called outlook on humanity. They say things like “what about love?” or “i was in the peace corps and i adamantly disagree with your euro-centric, anti-global, pre-post-graduate education style viewpoint!” or “put down the gun, we agree that she looks eighteen.” But I know what they don’t. And I’m not just talking about the freeze-frame shot of David Hasselhoff’s mangina in Baywatch. It’s there god damnit. I mean this: love is a sham! Compassion is just selfishness masquerading as benevolence! Charity is ego-maniacal pseudo-intellectual masturbation! My testicles are the size of walnuts!

Have you ever listened to a song backwards or watched a movie in reverse? Some people say that the secrets of the universe are revealed in hidden messages detectable only through the reverse transcription of modern media. In China, instead of “ummmm” they say “ne ge.” I once saw a Chinese man on the South Side of Chicago get the shit beat out of him for saying “I want…ne ge ne ge ne ge…cheeseburger and…ne ge ne ge ne ge…” What do these two incidents have in common? Absolutely nothing, except that chinese people who listen to n’sync backwards in burger king while proclaiming their vast knowledge of diff’rent strokes episodes make me stain my pants with bleachy joy. Maybe it’s just my morbid personality.

Look, I’m not out to save the world or anything. I’m just one man. One lonely man. One very lonely man. One very, very lonely man. I just want what I deserve out of life: the Olsen twins. Mary, Ashley, and Kate, my delectable little anorexic dust bunnies of love. They turn me on like a pile of cheerleaders covered in steak sauce. I’m running out of analogies to make. Let’s make a deal. You give me my tender little cheese muffins, my juicy little shreds of sauerkraut, my pre-cambrian little mononucleic cellular organisms of which UNTOLD HORRORS EXIST BEYOND THESE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS, and I promise not to destroy your measly little world. For I could crush you like an ant crushes a much smaller, more pathetic micro-organism. Oh yes, I possess more power than such an ant. I possess more power than even five hundred ants crushing untold numbers of micro-organisms with their feets of fury, leaving heaping mounds of decaying micro-organisms in their utterly savage wake! Even if those five hundred ants were to spontaneously mutate and combine into some sort of freakish robotic mega-ant with the power to crush lesser ants under its horrific, indescribably monstrous ant-like appendages, I would still remain more powerful. Earth, do you dare defy me, master of the ants and other mutated ant-like super organisms? I dare you to try!

lol no

shit be going DOWN man

mod up^

in after awesome

If this is part 2, I wonder what the first one was like…

You’re nuts, and it’s great.

Oddly compelling.

Oh man, after this, I’m going to have very high expectations for part three.

What the fuck, you fuckin’ fucker, I’m suing you you god damn fucking god damn alien

lol zeps drnk

No way! He did make a part 2! This is, like, the greatest thing since “How I saved the world part 1”!

This totally reeks of awesomenity.

Holy crap, zep you are one of teh awesomest writers~~~