How I saved the world part 1

She looked absolutely delicious. Like a prime rib steak. Except I’m a vegetarian. But not by choice, you see. I love meat, and not just my own. I love meat like a cup of hot, fresh, steaming coffee at 6:30 in the morning after downing that bottle of Ay Chihahua Rum you bought on the streets of California Ave. from some old toothless Peurto Rican guy waving a Mexican flag cause it’s all he could afford. Puerto Rican rum, how do you like that shit? In Canada, you can get the real shit, straight from cuba. And nothing gets you drunker than a healthy dose of communism, let me tell you! Yeah, that’s what she’s like, like chewing on the goddamn bean yourself. Except I don’t drink coffee. But not by choice, you see. I love coffee, and not just my own. Yeah, this girl had it all, like stuffing 5 packs of saltines in your mouth and reciting the national anthem. Trust me, it’s a lot harder than it sounds.

I am, of course, talking about my mother.  My mother's friend.  Mother's friend's daughter.  My mother's friend's daughter's sister.  Oh who gives a fuck, they're all the same anyway.  What is love anyway?  Just neurons firing in your brain, that's all.  Well, that and a massive erection in math class.  Don't you hate that?  And that old hag always calling on you to draw a god damn circle on the board.  You walk up to the front of the class, hands on your crotch trying to push that raging hard-on down.  Circles.  Draw two circles.  Boobies!  All women are the same anyway.  It's like if you offered a tic-tac to your friend, and you put it in his hand, but he looked at it and pointed to your canister of tic-tacs and said “no I want that one instead!”  All tic-tacs are created equal, it's the industrial revolution obviously!  They're all made on the same goddamn assembly line.  There's no difference.  If my friend did that, i'd shove that tic-tac so far up his ass he'd be shitting fruit loops.  This is all god's master plan.  Tic-tacs, bitches...God's assembly line.  Pumping 'em out like a teenage boy with his hands glued to his dick.

But she was different.  She was like a warm summer day in July.  The kind of day where you want nothing but to stroll nude through a catholic elementary school.  But I could never have her, for you see, I am actually a mutant space alien from the planet Globustryouwqpi65r.  I don't even have legs.  But I do have 17 penises.  And let me tell you, it rocks.

A++ would read again.

/r/ moar & sauce

… Now what was the context of this thing? Since you seem to leap from topic to topic and leave the revelation in the end rather pointless?

(Nice short story. I’ll give it 3.9/5.0)

I can’t wait to read part two.

edge of my fucking seat

Zep should publish.

Seconded!

9/5

Then I retired to my room and masturbated furiously.

Fucking SIGNED.

tl;dr how did i lol’d post?

fucking aliens

How deliciously post-modern and The Naked Lunch-like

I’m not even gonna bother asking. >_>

Your 17 penises are also tentacle-like appendages you use for walking aren’t they?

… I don’t want to know.

The instinctive mental images I created disturb me.

Funny! Off the scale.

<3 zepp

And Australia’s like, WTF mate.

as am I…