HOLY SHIT!

http://cgi.ebay.com/Super-Noahs-Ark-3D-Rare-Super-Nintendo-SNES-Game-MIB_W0QQitemZ8286713081QQcategoryZ4315QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Cuz the game is probably shit. And the bible is holy. Do you understand?

HOLY SHIT!

Pierson summed it up nicely.

Wow from the pictures on the back it looks like Doom.

It runs on the Wolfenstein 3D Engine. They always looked somewhat alike.

Holy shit indeed.

I concur, and am ashamed that I’ve heard of this game before. Even if it was in a review of god-awful games.

Wasn’t this posted before?
Or was that a different Noah’s Ark? I’ve definitly heard the name in reference to a game before.

Man, FUCK pierson! I said holy shit in the title! I SUMMED IT UP GOOD! DAMN YOU!

Yeah, this was the only unlicensed game ever released for the Super Nintendo, as I recall. Except for the graphics, it’s actually identical to the SNES port of Wolfenstein 3D. The level design and the passwords are exactly the same.

Anyone remember Chex Quest? It was doom, only instead of a space marine you were a giant piece of cereal.

So, the object of this game is to leave two of every animal alive, and kill all the rest?

Nah, you’re using a slingshot or something. They aren’t quite dead, they’re just restin’.

And someone splain to me the exact nature of “licensed/unlicensed” in this context plz?

In order to make a game for a system which you don’t own and sell it, you’ve got to pay some rights to the system owner. I never knew about any unlicensed games for SNES (edit: okay, just read the ebay auction saying this was the only one). I do remember that Atari sold an obscene amount of unlicensed games for the old NES for quite some time back when 8 bits was all the rage, and Nintendo nearly got them impaled for it.

Edit 2: someone remind me to post the chapter on Noah’s arc from my “special bible” here later on.

And near the end Noah fails to jump that ledge and dies. Continue (Y/N)?

I’ve finally translated the Noah chapter:

If humankind wroke such a havoc in its second generation, imagine the mess after the tenth. And remember how people lived a lot back then. Adam, the first man, lived for 930 years! Enoch, from about the seventh generation, lived some healthy 365 and was taken to heaven without dying, and his son, Mathuselah, lived 969 years. And you think about how we call anyone who reaches his 80’s a mathuselah these days, the poor old guys…

But the one I wanna talk about is Noah. He is the tenth of the patriarchs, as we can see in those neverending biblical genealogies from that song: “My old man was Lamech / My Gramps Enoch / My GrandGrandPapa Jarede…” - you know where it’s headed, ten guys that lived an obscene lot of time each in reverse cronological order until Adam.

When Noah was 500 (therefore barely legal age), God called him to have some shots and gossip at a local tavern. They talked about his wife, his kids, and Noah said that Sem, Cam and Jafet were the kids he had asked from God, and even wanted to use the chance and thank Him, and then he asked how God’s family was doing. God said He had no family, well, actually He had a son, but that was an ace in His sleeve which He was keeping as a last resort, which led to the topic He really wanted to speak of.

God regreted having created the world and humankind, for men were behaving in a wicked way (as always), killing each other, cheating, lying, betraying, blaspheming etc. I bet a hundred goats as they put water in that ketchup. In short, God decided to destroy everything with a great flood, drowning everyone. But Noah was a nice guy, and a faithful believer, so God also chose him to be the patriarch of the new humankind.

God picked up a napkin and started drawing on it: “Look. You’re going to build this big box, with a door, and a small window, and a ramp, and then you’re going to fill it with a pair of each species of animal.” Noah glanced at the drawing, exchanged gazes with God to check whether the man was playing a joke on him, then looked at the sketch again, scratched his beard and said a suspecting “Alriiiight…”. God was very happy. He asked another round and gave Noah a 100 years deadline for the completion of the project.

The other day, feeling a hundred hammers banging against his head and a thirst which would enable him to drink the whole flood, Noah finally noticed the trap he had fallen into. It was too late to regret, though, so he called his sons and asked them how they liked the idea of traveling along with their wives on a cruise ship, in one of those trips meant to be “only for couples”. No one would refuse such an invitation, and of course the three kids said they loved the suggestion. “So grab the tools then, for we are going to build the God damm boat”.

A hundred years passed. It was when the time came to bring the animals in that Noah thought the real hard work would start. He took down his throat a homeric dosage of booze, even though Homero hadn’t been born yet, and struggled a few farm animals in, pulling them by their horns/trunks/taloned paws. God, seeing it from above, decided to give him some help. He picked some of the animals He liked most, put them on a line, and made the wild beasts get in peacefully (otherwise Noah would really be pretty screwed).

Of course some of the animals didn’t have to be picked by our dymanic duo. The belated termites, ants, ticks, slugs, roaches of all kinds, rats etc. already lived in the arc before its completion. And then the newcomers brought their fleas, worms and other assorted parasites. This must have caught God on surprise.

It finally began raining very heavily, flooding everything, and Noah, along with his family, spent 40 days sailing without a destination. After that, the arc got stuck on the top of mount Ararat, in Armenia. The family still took some time to get out, for they had an important poker game to finish (“No one gets outta here! Nobody out!”). They eventually got out because they still had to repopulate Earth, and asides that the stench of the animals was getting unbearable.

As they stepped out they faced the rainbow on the sky (what a queer way to greet the last survivors of humanity…). God explained them that the rainbow represented the unilateral pact He was making with humanity: that the Earth shall never ever be flooded like that again (as a bonus, He also invented at that moment tiny, unreadable letters on the footer of contracts: “…which doesn’t keep me from, at the time when I feel like it, devastating the human species through fire, earthquakes, hunger, pest, or other means at My disposal.”)

Everybody would have lived happily ever after but Noah got pretty high again (the drunkard), this time from some vines he grew at his new backyard. He even cursed one of his three sons [Renan’s note: If I’m not mistaken, it was Cam]. God saw that the Earth was headed toward becoming a sin-filled hellhole once again, shook His head and regreted. A lot.

By the way, Noah lived to his 950’s.

Remember it? I still have the CD. It was my first FPS ever. O_o

Edit: Ren, you have the best bible ever, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

But for you, it had a title function. For pierson, it had a descriptive function. so hah.

And I remember someone posting this before as well. it is crazy. o.o

In that case, fuck YOU!

Actually, I have certain proof that the moon is made of cheese, and therefore NO.

If that was the intro of the game I’d go n’ buy it.