Hero Baleful Eyed

The Core Media Forum
1

I wrote this last summer, but I haven’t really done anything with it or shown it to anyone. It tries to be like a sonnet, in some ways.

Hero Baleful Eyed

I lament the hero baleful eyed, whose
Sol peeks narrowly through predestined gloom. Fair
Providence has marked him for the tithe that
Fates collect, those melancholy spirits
Old. He gazes askance at the clouds to
Glimpse the Sol denied him, but the Fates brook
No request of mortal’s. They stir winds to
Howl in his youthful list’ning ear; to
One knee he Falls. Unshed tears in his eyes
Shimmer, as his golden heart, in darkness,
Tempers to cold steel. Without remorse he
Rises, apathetic to clouds o’erhead.
I lament the hero baleful eyed, whose
Sol peeks narrowly through predestined gloom.

Xwing1056

2

Sounds nice. I’m not very good at analyzing poetry, so I can’t give you much in the way of feedback. It doesn’t seem much like a sonnet other than it’s fourteen lines that are about ten syllables each. The volta (last 6 lines) of a sonnet has a slight change in theme from the rest of the poem. Still, it is very nice.

3

Originally posted by demigod
Sounds nice. I’m not very good at analyzing poetry, so I can’t give you much in the way of feedback. It doesn’t seem much like a sonnet other than it’s fourteen lines that are about ten syllables each. The volta (last 6 lines) of a sonnet has a slight change in theme from the rest of the poem. Still, it is very nice.

Yeah, I meant there to be a turn after the octave, but it doesn’t work like most sonnets’. His fall is the poem’s pivotal moment, so it’s on lines eight and nine. Thanks, I’m glad you liked it.

Xwing1056

4

Hmmm…interesting. Normally, sonnets have a rhyme scheme and (at least in older poetry) are written in iambic pentametre. Whilst most of your lines have ten beats, their stress patterns are not iambic. If you want to make them iambic, then you should use accents to indicate that the word has an irregular stress pattern. Lines in sonnets are also generally not repeated. But if you are experimenting with a new type of sonnet, then by all means.

The only thing which I find somewhat unsatisfying about your poem is your excessive use of enjambment; it breaks up the flow of your sentences and I fail to see how its presence contributes to the meaning of the poem aside from establishing a sense of chaos.

Still, interesting lofty subject matter.

5

Yeah, if you wanted to make it iambic you’d have to stress every second syllable, I believe. I observe that line two appears to have eleven syllables while the others have ten. Is there a specific reason for that?

6

Originally posted by Sir Percival
Hmmm…interesting. Normally, sonnets have a rhyme scheme and (at least in older poetry) are written in iambic pentametre. Whilst most of your lines have ten beats, their stress patterns are not iambic. If you want to make them iambic, then you should use accents to indicate that certain words have irregular stress patterns. Lines in sonnets are also generally not repeated, but if you are experimenting with a new type of sonnet, then by all means.
I suppose I was experimenting. It tries to be like a sonnet in some ways, I said, and I think the similarities are clear even if I don’t mention them; but it isn’t a sonnet, or even an honest variant. Certainly no sonnet is in trochaic pentameter.

The only thing which I find somewhat unsatisfying about your poem is your excessive use of enjambment; it breaks up the flow of your sentences and I fail to see how its presence contributes to the meaning of the poem aside from establish a sense of chaos.
You’re right. When I was writing, I decided not to worry about it, but the enjambment does have an undesirable effect. The poem may be better off written in eight lines instead of fourteen.

Still, interesting lofty subject matter.
Thank you. I thought more about that than anything.

Xwing1056

7

Originally posted by Sephiroth Katana
Yeah, if you wanted to make it iambic you’d have to stress every second syllable, I believe. I observe that line two appears to have eleven syllables while the others have ten. Is there a specific reason for that?

Narrowly is squeezed into a two syllable trochee, since it’s narrow. Because of this, the last line has nine syllables instead of ten. I meant to hint that something in the end is missing. The poem reads pretty smoothly in trochaic, except, in particular, “to / One knee he Falls.”

Xwing1056

8

Originally posted by Xwing1056
Narrowly is squeezed into a two syllable trochee, since it’s narrow.

You might then want to write it with one vowel replaced with an apostrophe to indicate that it is bi- and not trisyllabic:

i.e. narr’wly

The other thing which traditional sonnets usually have is antithesis and/or paradox, which I cannot see in your poem, but if you are not writing a traditional sonnet, then it does not matter.