Francis almost meets a girl

Two days ago (sunday night) I cried myself to sleep. This girl (I will refer to her as Sarah) I have been obsessed with since 3rd grade threw a birthday party on saturday, it was a pretty casual house party, so people brought friends along, of course I was not invited (no girl would ever invite me to a party), but my friend asked me to come along, and of course I jumped at the opportuinity.

Around an hour into the party, it happened that me and Sarah were alone in the kitchen while others danced and talked in the living room. I was there to get a drink, and when I came in and saw her by the fridge, a deep shocking, sinking feeling almost paralysed me with fear, as I just stood there staring at her for about 5 seconds (I am absolutely TERRIFIED of females, especially Sarah, I had no idea she would be in there alone). When she looked at me I quickly glanced away in shame. After about 10 awkward seconds of me staring at the floor and her standing there awkwardly, she finally spoke.

“Uh, hi, you’re frank, right?”
“No. Francis.”
“Oh, but it’s frank for short, right?”
“No.”
“Sorry, I must have you confused with someone else.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Want a drink?”
"Yeah. Thanks.

She handed me a beer.

“I’M STRAIGHT EDGE!!”

I just tried to tell her I was straight edge (and therefore didn’t drink), but I was so nervous when she approached me physically that it came out in what sounded like a confontational shout which totally wasn’t what I intended.

“Sorry, uh there’s a diet pepsi if you like”
“I don’t drink diet soft drinks, they are carginogens.”
“Oh…”

I couldn’t stand the fear of being near her any more, so I scurried away and (again in that nervous shout) blurted out “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” and heard her say “thanks” as I walked back into the living room, up the stairs and into the bathroom where I literally collapsed and started shivering on the floor with fear, tears came from my eyes. After about 5 minutes of just lying there I composed myself and went downstairs again. For the rest of the party I pretty much avoided her and talked with some people I knew.

When me and my friend got back home to my house and played a little PS2 for about half an hour, he left and I said bye. It was at this point I realised he had left his cell phone. As I was about to call him to tell him, it suddenly struck me that he probably had Sarah’s number on his phone. I literally sat there for 45 minutes shivering with both anticipation and fear as I saw the number across the screen, begging me to call.

Simple. I’d just call her up, apologise for the awkwardness and ask her if she wanted to get coffee some time. The only problem was this was about the scariest thing imaginable. I felt my body ache with fear as I tried to press the “CALL” button on the cell phone several times but was too scared. I got a disconnecting feeling as if none of this was actually happening to me, like maybe it was all a dream. When I finally got the courage to call, my heart raced as I heard the dial tone.

“Hello?”
“Hey, sorry about earlier, I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for coffee some time ?(WHAT THE FUCK was I thinking??)”
“Sorry, who is this calling?”

I (stupidly) hadn’t anticipated she would ask who it was. the question caught me totally off guard. I thought of just saying my name, or giving a fake name, or shouting out “your worst fucking nightmare”, or avoiding the question, and a host of other ideas over the course of about 5 seconds. I was too stunned to even reply.

Another 5 seconds of silence.

“Are you still there?”
“Yeah…sorry, I… it’s”
"Oh, Francis right?
I was silent again
“Sorry yeah, I - I’m pretty busy lately but maybe- uh I’ll call you another time if i get time to go out uh (I could regognize that she had no intention of calling me), what’s your number?”
I gave her my number.
“Ok, well bye!”
“Bye.”

As I hung up and put the phone down, the realization of what had just happened hit me like a wrecking ball, I collapsed on the sofa and fell asleep with exaustion. About 5 minutes later I get a call.

“Hello?”
A male voice.
“Is this francis?”
“Yeah uh who is this?”
“I’m just calling to give you a friendly warning, stay away from Sarah, okay? She’s my girlfriend, and she has no interest in you whatsoever, you’re a creep.”

The realization and jealousy that she had a boyfriend, coupled with the shock and unexpectedness of this call filled me with rage.

“FUCK YOU YOU MOTHER F-UNCLE FUNK” I stuttered incomprehensibly with rage.
“Man you’re fucked up in the head aren’t you. I’m WARNING you, stay away.”

He hung up.

I literally let out a massive scream of both sadness jealousy anger and fear that gripped my entire body. I went to bed and got about 2 hours of sleep.

The next (sunday) morning, I got up feeling like absolute shit. As I always do to when I feel terrible, I force myself to walk outside, go to the mall (5 min walk) where there are lots of people, and buy something or run into someone I know. I couldn’t find anyone I knew, so I bought a milkshake and walked out the front enterance, where I saw something that made my heart skip.

Sarah and some guy (probably her boyfriend?) walking into the mall. I saw her glance with shock at me and quickly look away trying to make it seem as if she hadn’t noticed me. I rushed towards her.

“SARAH!” I shouted

Her boyfriend turned around with shock and saw me.

“ARE YOU FRANCIS?” he asked angrily.

I stood there staring.

“Get out of here man, we don’t want anything to do with you, understand?”

“FUCK YOU, THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY!”

As a rage overcameme me, I rushed forward and threw my milkshake as hard as I possibly could at the bastard, totally missing him and tripping over myself in the process. What happened next was the worst feeling I had ever felt.

Sarah stood there laughing at me. The expression on her beautiful face, half disgust half laughter made me feel terrible like I never imagined I could. I hated her guts at that moment.

“YOU CUNT!” I yelled.

Her eyes widened, even her boyfriend looked shocked and the three of us stood there staring for maybe 5 seconds.

“YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT!!” I yelled as I rushed at her. She made made me feel so terrible it physically hurt in my stomach. I was about to fucking attack her. I couldn’t believe it. It was like some force was controlling me and like I had no control at all. God fucking damn I’m stupid when I’m angry and upset. Before I could reach her, her boyfriend grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me to the ground.

“JUST GET OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING WEIRDO AND BE THANKFUL I DONT FUCKING KILL YOU!!”

I rushed for him with every ounce of anger and strength in my body and groaned as his fist connected with my tummy, winding and incapacitating me. He stared for a second, as if he hadn’t expected me to be so easily beaten, before he and Sarah both ran off in a panic. I knew there was no way I could take him, and that he probably went to go get security. These facts, coupled with my crippling social awkwardness and the fact that people all over were staring at me like some kind of freak caused me to run home, totally defeated, clutching my tummy.

That night I considered suicide. My parents aren’t home until next week and I felt an aching loneliness. I never went through with it, but have been left crippled emotionally. I havn’t gone to school either today or yesterday. My parents will kill me when they get home. I’m a fucking failure of a human being.

A loose female acquaintance of mine calls me at 1:00am today and asks me if I could print something on the computer for her and bring it over in the afternoon. “Hey yeah sure sure, whatever you need I’ll help you, I’m all yours,” I tell her. She sends me this file and lo and behold I can’t open it. It’s made in Microsoft Publisher and I don’t have that program so I begin panicing, trying to find this program or a way to print the file. Scouring the internet yields no results and I do my usual pacing in my room.

I finally come up with an idea and I tell the girl, if I can proceed with it. The plan was I would carry my printer about 2miles to her house, print out the needed pages, maybe talk to her a bit while I was there. I was hoping for at least a hug out of this ordeal.

By the time I get there, I’m wet all over from sweating in the +90 degree heat outside and carrying a heavy motherfucking HP Deskjet printer. The first thing I see upon entering her room (my first time in a girl’s bedroom) are some panties on her bed.

After the initial shock of seeing such a horrific sight for the first time, I setup the printer and get my job done. However, I did consider sniffing the lingere when she left the room once, but with the wuss that I am, I just ended up staring at them the whole while. That was a sarcastic joke for those of you too stupid to realize that

To make a long story short, just as I was finishing up with the printing job (which was hefty), her boyfriend and his gay friend walk in, say hello, and begin hanging out in the room as they waited for the girl to finish this work so they could go to the mall.

This effectively ruins my chances of getting a hug and I walk another 2 miles home with the motherfucking printer in hand. The only thing that I got out of this were some very painful fingers and a “thanks” as I walked out her bedroom door.

So, am I pathetic for doing all these things? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve pledged my heart and soul to a girl and gotten back almost nothing in return. I would hate turning her or anyone else I knew down or making up some lie.

Requesting someone please post the Setz @ KFC post, thanks!

Oh, hey Setz, how’ve ya been?

Edit: Ninja’d :confused:

Okay, so I just got back from subway, and I ordered my normal sandwich (footlong BMT), and I got it with provolone and mustard and ranch sauce and olives and pickles and banana peppers nad lettuce and onions and tomatoes and also bacon, and an extra large soft drink and 2 choco (thats what i call chocolate) chip cookies, and the cute latino girl behind the counter was trying to look away from my face and also holding back laughs. I realized I had just ordered what my stomach asked for and not what society would deem a sandwich with manners. Why people have to judge sandwich etiquitte is beyond me. Fuck those people. So anyways, my sandwich was apparently very unacceptable because everyone was staring at me when I went to get my soft drink from the fountain.

In a last ditch attempt to save face, I said my soft drink choice out loud while I poured it at the fountain. “Diet coke! I love diet coke because im watching my health!” and I made sure to suck in and lift up my chest harder than normal while I walked out the door.

So basically, I’m looking to start learning how to build a goal-oriented sandwich that shows that I have class and taste, I am tired of my dining habits preventing me from picking up the Ladies. For instance, what is a good kind of bread to start with, and what meat looks the best on it? Any help is appreciated.

Thanks!

I’m a fairly lonely guy. I have my group of friends, and we hang out in the computer lab at lunch. I think my friends are cool, but they’re all guys. I don’t really have any women in my life.

Well that’s not entirely true. I have a sister, Laurie.

Since grade 7, everyone around me has been dating, everyone except for my clique.

Anyways, lately, my friends have started getting girlfriends, I’m really happy for them, but it leaves them with less time to spend with me. I see how happy they are with their ladies, and frankly, I’m jealous.

Last week my friend James called me up to tell me that he had just gone down on his girlfriend, for the first time. He said it was really cool. He’s been encouraging me to get a lady of my own for quite some time, to “reap the rewards of having a woman” as he puts it. I don’t think I’m ready.

Well, its not that I’m not ready, I’m just not in a position of getting a woman.

Anyways, back to what this is all about.

I like women, but have no access to them. The only exception being Laurie. Ever since James called me up, talking about how cool vaginas are, well, I’ve been curious, thanks to DPPH I know all about their construction, but, well, the Internet doesn’t lend itself to transferring smells.

I’ll just say it.

For the last couple of days, I’ve been going into my sister’s laundry, and smelling her panties. It’s not too hard; I just say I’m doing a load of wash, or wait for everyone to leave, and then go into her hamper.

I’m in no way sexually attracted to my sister; this doesn’t have anything to do with her. I just love the smell of vagina, and she has one.

I don’t think this is too wrong, but I’m afraid to ask my friends if they have done it.

Is this normal?

.

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cool story bro

>beta as fuck

Looking forward to learning how pathetic, lovelorn Francis transforms to this impressive villain. I expect a sort of Zep Wars: Episode III.

I hope for Francis that it was a soy milk shake he was drinking. Otherwise he even fails at being straight edge. :<

How so? Straight edge people don’t necessarily have to be vegan, so are you saying there’s some drug in lactose milkshakes?

Good lord, did Setz really say SUGGESTIVE instead of CONSTRUCTIVE at the start of that post?

Really?

Oh dear.

Why oh why was I not paying close attention to the forums during the Setz era?

Most of them are, though. the vegetarians are the pussy- straight edgers. So since straight edgers are pussies anyway, that would probably make them the pussies of the pussies. Uberpussies. Or something.

Tell that to CM Punk. Dude got his head busted up. He got it stapled shut without use of painkillers because of the whole “no drugs” part.

CM who inthewhatnow.

That’s okay but I mean it’s not like getting the gold in the olympics with a broken neck.

A thread like this sets up the perfect monday after a weekend of FOREVER ALONE stories for countries with Valentine’s day.

Meanwhile, in Finland: “Yeah, friends day. Are we friends? Good. Share a cup of coffee. Mmm. Back to work.”

Yes, but he’s addicted to painkillers and honestly should be dead from them right now. He makes House look clean. Punk is more hXc. While also being sXe.