Got this in an email, quoting & translating for you people:
HOW TO FIX AN OBSTRUCED TOILET WITH BARE HANDS
by Alessandro Martins
Well, let’s forget literature for a while and try some public utility. I’m going to open a couple of parenthesises[1] and reveal a secret technique for desobstruction of toilets without the use of that sucker tool[2], I forgot its name now.
1-) Verify the toilet for obstruction. Usually this is evidenced when the water doesn’t go down right after you press the button, and then this water acummulates near the border of the toilet. In more severe cases, it spills out (if such a frightening occurrence happens, run away without looking back).
2-) Wait for the water to go down. Be patient. If it doesn’t go down, I recommend you to not use this technique. Call an specialist.
3-) Push the button again and then wait for the water to go down again. Repeat this procedure until the water looks completely clear. If the water doesn’t go down no matter what you do, then it’s a severe case and you better call a plumber. Don’t take risks. Remember: your safety and cleaniness come first.
4-) Only proceed after the water becomes as clean as toilet water can be and has reached a normal level. If you are in doubt as to the normal level for the water of your toilet, quit it now.
5-) Raise the upper and lower lids.
6-) Sit on the toilet in a way that your bottom fits on the “mouth” of the toilet, with your legs well closed. Say your prayers.
7-) Slip a little to the inside, so that you create a vacuum. You’ll possibly hear a characteristic sound. In this step, people with a small body frame may fall inside the toilet. If it happens, call someone with a butt larger than yours to help you get out of the toilet and then have this person to do these procedures starting from step 6.
If the other person’s butt isn’t large enough too, then have the person only help you get out, for if he/she tries fixing the obstruction, he/she may fall inside as well. If the two of you, somehow, fall simultaneously in the toilet[3], call an specialist. If you can reach the phone, of course. And since you’re already at it, call a psychiatrist and an occupational therapist for you and your buddy too. Eventually, one of the three persons you called might have larger butts than you two.
9-) Properly fit into the toilet, feeling the vacuum pulling your nads agsint the cold toilet, get ready. Take a deep breath and, with the help of your hands and feet, get up in an abrupt way, thus creating a negative pressure between you and the water. This will cause whatever object that is obstructing the toilet to move, and once it’s not stuck there anymore it will probably follow its natural course. If you wish, observe with pride and relief the way the water goes down as you repeatedly push the toilet’s button.
10-) Throw that ugly, stinky, skidy thing[4] by the window of your apartment.
Please notice that, with such a maneuver, it is possible that some droplets of water will hit your nads. But that doesn’t matter, for it’s very improbable that at your age this has never happened.
Now my personal notes:
[1] - I think it doesn’t make sense in English. I think I should have translated as “I’ll be going through a few explanations”.
[2] - He means a plunger.
[3] - The two would fall together because one is helping the other to get out of it, I figure.
[4] - See my note no. 2.
Thanks god my toilet has never got obstructed.