FF8: Not Another Bloody Conspiracy!

There are waaay too many FF8 fics out there, too many of them are bad - as with everything else. Now, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy all the ones in the archive, otherwise they wouldn’t be there, right?
Anyway… after having read a hundred and one thousand or so FF8 fics of various quality, I find myself forced to do something in return. This is a quickie I’m working on, my first pure humor thing in a while. It’s yet unfinished but I’d like to see if anyone likes it or finds it offensive. I hope that there will be none of the latter, as it is NOT meant to be as such. Instead, I hope that the FF8 writers that are here will recognize something by themselves in this story and with that be able to laugh along. It’s not a satire, just fun.

Here we go!

As I said, <u>Not Another Bloody Conspiracy!</u>

Squall sat by his desk, silently reading reports. The sun insisted on shining down through the glass windows behind him even if he had made a few heroic attempts to put the blinds to good use. But their fabled powers wasn’t all what it was cracked up to be. Maybe because they were made in airy, white cloth that reminded of the pure, fluffy clouds outside.
The windows could neither block the sun, nor the irritating sound of the seagulls that enjoyed the view of and from the giant building.
‘Listen to them, laughing at you, hero,’ the young man thought in frustration as another agitating, screeching croak whooshed by outside.
He glared at the report.
Another SeeD exam involving a giant monster coming out of nowhere and smashing everything. This time a behemoth in Trabia.
It was exceptionally ironic since it had been <I>scientifically proven</I> that Behemoths hated cold, even if it wasn’t their elemental weakness it was absent on the list of things they liked.
Sighing slightly the knight/commander stood up and went over to the file vault covering most of the right wall.
Out of 30 boxes sorted – rather – alphabetically, 25 were marked “Galbadia”. Squall pulled out a container labeled “Terrorism”. For the record, it was about to explode already as it was filled to the limit, and it was the ninth of its kind in the collection.
The commander jammed down the latest report and tackled the box shut with all his force.
Scowling at the bulging drawers for a moment, Squall turned his heel and marched back to his desk.
However, he hadn’t even time to touch the chair before Irvine and Zell barged in before knocking, nearly getting stuck in the doorframe.
“Squall, there’s an emergency!” the martial artist shouted one second before he trampled on the sharpshooter’s long jacket, rendering both of them in a heap on the floor.
Squall calmly sat down and silently glanced at the two between a raised eyebrow and another report, waiting for them to bring themselves in order. Irvine got up first, slamming down his palms on the desk so that the computer almost fell off had the commander not calmly reached out to grab its frame.
“Rinoa was kidnapped!” the cowboy bellowed, his jacket dramatically flowing behind him from the power of the slams.
“Yeah!” Zell screeched as he sprung onto his feet, waving wildly with his arms, “by purple-green-blue carnivore cannibalistic aliens from outer space! They trashed the training center, led by their alien bishie sorcerer and nabbed Rinoa from her target practice! The T-rexaur feels neglected now!”
Squall sighed and dropped the report about fanatic fruitarians bent on killing all meat eating Estharians in Winhill.
“Then you two and Quistis better go and infiltrate the Galbadian government as usual,” the commander commanded.
The mouths of the two SeeDs opened and closed in sync a couple of times.
“But… they are purple-green-blue carnivore cannibalistic aliens from <I>outer space</I>,” Irvine finally said.
Squall scowled at the two for a moment, then folded his arms.
“Rinoa got kidnapped,” he said in a slow, over-explanatory tone, “you know that Galbadia <I>always</I> is involved then. If not their government then some psychotic doctor or something.”
“Oh. That’s true.”
Zell and Irvine sagely nodded before the ultimate truth.
“Should we call the Forest Owls and Esthar for backup now or later?” Zell wondered.
“Shouldn’t be necessary,” Squall replied, “we’ll get a call any…”
The phone jumped to life before he could finish the sentence, its shrill tone nearly shredding the men’s sanity to pieces. Squall cleared his throat, picked up the phone, turned it towards his face and roared:
“You bastard! How <I>dare</I> you call me after all you have done?! I swear, when I get my hands on you…!!”
He cleared his throat again and placed the phone more properly against the side of his head.
“There, I’m done. What can you do for us today, Seifer?”
Irvine absentmindedly grabbed Zell’s collar as the martial artist went into blind rage and almost smashed Squall’s desk upon hearing the name. The commander turned his back at the frenzy and kept talking.
“Already infiltrated, have you? And I was going to send… uh-huh. Good. Keep up the good work and report back to me when you’ve found her.”
“Sure thing, pal,” Seifer smirked on the other end of the line, “but before I go… I’ve lost count, who’s turn is it?”
“You mean Quistis or Fuijin?” Squall asked without blinking.
“Yeah,” Seifer smirked.
“Let’s see…”
The commander pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment.
“I think it was Fujin last time,” he finally concluded, “it’s Quistis’ turn. I was sending her off with Irvine and Zell, you’ll meet up in some unexpected place during a crucial moment.”
“Oh, fine. Renewed charmyboy it is,” Seifer smirked and nodded there he stood in the rusty phone boot in Deling city.
He sighed a little through the smirk.
“It’s fine with me, but Quistis always demands more flirting. Fujin is less complicated.”
“I see,” Squall said in a neutral voice, “just go back to looking for Rinoa now.”
“Of course. Expect a call soon.”
“Good luck, you cocky scumbag.”
“The same to you, puberty boy. Tell CHICKEN WUSS I SAID HI!!”
Seifer screamed the last part loud enough for half the Garden to hear it through the phone, but by then Squall had already turned the small speaker towards Zell in order to save himself from going deaf.
“ROAGH!” the martial artist replied, froth foaming at the corners of his mouth.
“Hey, since I’m getting it together with Quistis in this story, I’m sure you could win Fujin’s love with that manly roar,” Seifer smirked.
There was a strange, whomping sound in the background of the blond knight’s smirk. Also, Raijin’s voice was faintly heard through the phone.
“Ow, ya know! <I>He</I> said it, Fujin, ya know! Why do you have to kick <I>me</I>, ya know?!”
“RAGE,” Fujin’s just as distant voice replied.
“Not the sai, ya know! Not there, ya know! Seifer! Help, ya know!”
“CrapIgottagobye,” the traitor smirked/sighed and hung up.
“Thank you for your patronage,” Squall snarled at the phone and threw the smaller part at the bigger with a loud bell sound.
The commander straightened up and snapped his fingers before Zell’s insane, constricted grimace. The madness flashed away and the martial artist immediately stood straight again, saluting the commander of SeeD beside the valiant sharp shooter.
“At ease,” Squall grimly said and made a striking, pointing pose at the door, “move out, for the glory of the plot!”
The two mercenaries spun on their heels and marched out to the elevator. Hitting the first floor button Irvine sadly glanced back towards the closed door.
“He’s not the same without her,” the sharpshooter worriedly concluded, “did you see his eyes?”
“Nope, my sight was clouded by the mist of rage, sorry,” Zell said, “what about it?”
“I can feel him having a mental breakdown right now… we have to find Rinoa quickly, without her he misses a piece of his soul.”
“Yeah… that’s deep and stuff…”
The elevator plummeted towards the ground level and the two men stepped out.
And ducked to avoid having their skulls smashed by Selphie as she came bouncing up the stair. She hit the wall above the elevator, slid down on the floor and jumped up again, catching Zell in a neck-crushing embrace.
“Zelly! Oh I missed you sooo much!” she cried through the madly happy grin, “I love you sooo much, you’re so sweet and caring and Irvine just suffocates me! Blah!”
Irvine just waited with a brave, expressionless face until Selphie glanced at him. Her brief grimace was torn up in a heavenly smile and she shot away from Zell, pouncing the sharpshooter. Irvine stumbled backwards into the rounded wall while the tattooed teenager slumped to the floor, violently gasping for air.
“Oh Irvy! I love you sooo much, I don’t care about all your flirting with everything remotely female, I know that deep down you really love me and me only!”
“Thanks, I love you too…!” Irvine wheezed, his face turning slightly bluish just like Zell’s had done.
Selphie bounced off the cowboy’s chest and danced down the stair.
“I gotta go, gotta prepare for the Garden festival!” she sang and in her excitement bounced into the water encircling the elevator structure.
Zell and Irvine crawled over the floor and fought their way up on shaky legs to watch Selphie dash towards the nearest emergency ladder, leaving a stream of boiling water in her wake.
“Good thing I have the pigtail girl as an option,” Zell croaked, rubbing his neck, “speaking of which I wonder what her name is today…”
“No time for that now, we have to find Quistis… oh…”
Irvine stumbled back to the elevator wall and fumbled with the intercom, picking “Commander emergency” on the quick-pick.
“Yes?” came Squall’s monotone voice through the speaker, slightly raspy due to bad technology.
“Selphie is working on the festival,” Irvine reported, “we’ll have to raise the defenses.”
“Good call, Irvine,” the commander acknowledged, “I’ll see to that those bastards will get a nasty surprise when they attack us during our weakest moment, whoever they are this time.”
“Roger that, over and out.”
Irvine turned off the small box and turned to his friend.
“Alright then, better find Quistis then,” the cowboy said, “do you think she’s brooding in her loneliness in her room or the secret area?”

That’s it for tonight. Thoughts?

My thoughts can be summed up in the following word:


There just isn’t enough (good) satirical fanfiction around, Weiila. That was well worth the read :slight_smile:

Good job. Now back to work…puts up his “FF8 SUCKS!” sign

What part of it was the Squall x Zell yaoi in?


Very nice work. I particularly liked this bit:

Originally posted by Weiila

“Oh, fine. Renewed charmyboy it is,”

Keep going. There are many more cliche conventions awaiting their much deserved skewering…

Glad you like it, guys :slight_smile: Especially comedy masters like Kaiser and Gallo.

Silhouette: Didn’t think about that, might consider it somewhere :o

::Quickly runs to see how many cliches he’s used:: Oops… Nice job Weiila:)

Thanks Refugee :slight_smile: Hope that you don’t feel bad or anything now, it’s not aimed at anyone in particular of course.

I wasn’t offended. Quite the contrary:o
I actually hope you do more. It was pretty funny. Take care :slight_smile:

Good to hear :slight_smile:
Working on it, though I’m not sure what more to add. I have four more clichés…

  1. Rinoa is pregnant
  2. Squall has to duel with/kill somebody
  3. Squall hates Laguna
  4. Ellone uses her powers for one reason or another (this will probably be coupled with cliché 3)

What more…?

  1. Well, the “kids of the heroes” cliche where they’ve all grown old and had kids with each other and now THE KIDS have to save the world, too.

  2. Rinoa and Squall break up for no plausible reason so they can win each other back again. (Or so Squall fangirls can put themselves in the story and be the REAL love of his life.)

  3. Fan Made characters that are super poweful and immediately jump right in to being real good friends with the rest of the gang. And become the new stars of the story. Often, they end up being incarnations of the author and get to fulfill the fantasies of Zell fangirls or Quistis fanboys…

  4. Authors with Virulent Rinoa Hate (usually members of the Cult of Squall or Trepies) killing her off making her out to be a total bitch (so that Squall can be free to pursue a healthy loving relationship with Quistis or Zell or the authors avatar-character).

  5. People seem to like killing Ellone off, too, for some reason. I keep running across stories where she’s dead for some reason (though this is usually in work by really good authors; the bad authors are usually too busy having Squall and Seifer yaoi moments for some bizarre reason…

  6. Slash pairings, but only involving Squall. Irvine/Seifer is never done, for example.

  7. Seifer tries to get back into garden.

Sorry that is funny…now yes, I am scared of how many I have used. Plus I think all of the last four you mentioned were in the same story hides I feel so ashamed.

Also killed Ellone, broke up Squall/Rinoa (many times), frozen her, made her blind, and had her accused of murder…thankfully not all in the same fic!

More things:

How about the Squall evil twin…either female or male depending on which character the author wants to get 'em with.

Oh, and you must always use the words “Raven Hair” with Rinoa, and “Smirk” with Seifer, it is a must. Trust me…

And a dream…it is a must that there is a dream in there somewhere that foreshadows a major part of the story.

Heh. :slight_smile:

Hurrah for pointing out the cliches XD

Mary Sues are the worst ones of all, though…

BTW, does anyone else think that Harry Potter is a Gary Sue? =o

Sigh I’m surprised at all of you. How could you forget these.

  1. The gratuitous Zell hotdog gag.
  2. Rinoa is suddenly confused as to whether she loves Squall or Seifer.
  3. Squall and Seifer are suddenly attracted to each other for no apparent reason, and run behind the woodshed to make out.
  4. The mandatory sex scene in the Secret Area. Characters and pairings don’t matter, but the story must include it.

Grah! How could I forget the hot dogs!? I am dishonored…

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, I’ll fix up more as soon as possible :o

One that seems to becoming far more common now.

Character (usually Squall or Rinoa) apparently dies amid tearful scene, only for several chapters later found not to be dead, but amnesiac/hiding/in denial/insane

That’s another good one chuckles

I just remembered I stooped to the obligatory Zell hotdog gag. Shame on me.

i enjoy all of your fanfics. each one just seems to get better and better :stuck_out_tongue: