FF Weakest Link

You read the title :stuck_out_tongue: :wink:

Some of you may know by now I’m an absolute quiz show nut (applied to go on 5 different quiz shows, appeared on 2 I’m not even 21 yet), in particular, the Weakest Link- one day, I was playing FFX and wondering just what would happen if, in some bizarre twisted sense of reality, Anne Robinson faced off against Lulu. This was followed up the next day when I was playing FFIX, with Steiner being in one of his more idiotic moods (one step short of being alseep) and a fanfic began to take shape in my mind… A few months & 7 more characters later, this is the result. Enjoy…

Narrator: “The nine people here today have never met before, but all share something in common. Together they will have to work as a team to raise money for charity, but only one of them will be able to take away that money, as round by round, we lose the player voted: THE WEAKEST LINK.”

[Run titles]

Anne Robinson: “Welcome to a special Final Fantasy edition of the Weakest Link. The nine people here are all famous for their world-saving adventures, but today, they will face a challenge of a different type, trying to raise as much money for charity as possible.”

Zidane: “Charity!?”

Anne Robinson (ignoring Zidane): “However, only one of them can take the money away. So, let’s meet the team!”

Zidane: “I’m Zidane Tribal, I’m 16 and I’m from Alexandria, and NO ONE told me about the charity deal.”

Rinoa: “I’m Rinoa Heartilly, I’m 17 and I’m from Deling City. And I am going to win the weakest link.”

Cloud: “I’m Cloud Strife, I’m 21 and from Nibelheim, and I just want to get this over and done with.”

Quistis: “I’m Quistis Trepe, I’m 18 and from Balamb Garden. And Rinoa? You’re not going to win the weakest link.”

Steiner: “I’m Adelbert Steiner, I’m 32 and from Alexandria, and in the name of her majesty, I will win!”

Irvine: “I’m Irvine Kinneas, I’m 17 and from Galbaldia Garden, and,” (casting a glance in Rikku’s direction) “Damn, I’m surrounded by some fine-looking women tonight!”

Rikku (staring at Irvine, unimpressed): “I’m Rikku, I’m also 17 and I’m an Al Bhed, and I need to win tonight, so I can rebuild my home.”

Barret: “I’m Barret Wallace, I’m 35 years old and I’m from Corel, and I’d rather be fightin’ then ans’ring some damn fool questions!”

Lulu: “I’m Lulu, I’m 22 years old and I’m from Besaid, and tonight, I shall be victorious.”

Anne Robinson: “Now the rules… (yadda yadda yadda, you’ve all seen the show, right?) …The first round lasts for three minutes, and we start with the player whose name is first alphabetically. That’s you, Barret. Let’s play the weakest link!”

[sound and light effects a-plenty]

Anne Robinson: “The first question is for 100 gil. Start the clock.”

[sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Barret, which ancient Norse god frequently crops up as a summoned monster in Final Fantasy?”

Barret (really trying to make his brain work, you can hear the grinding): “Uuuh…umm… Odin! Odin!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct.”

Barret (quietly): “yes!”

Anne Robinson: “Lulu, how many Magus Sisters are there?”

Lulu (cold and clinically): “Three.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Zidane, what are Cetra better known as?”

Zidane (frozen, trying to work it out): “Summoners?”

Anne Robinson: “No, ancients. Rinoa, what is the highest rank available in SOLDIER?”

Rinoa (pouting aggressively at Quistis): “First class.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Cloud, Vinzer Deling was president of which nation?”

Cloud (coldly): “Galbaldia.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis,”

Quistis: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “How many outfield players are there on each blitzball team?”

Quistis: “Five.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Steiner, what is the highest possible total on one side of a triple triad card?”

Steiner (dumbfounded): “Huh? How should I know?”

Zidane (whispering and shaking his head): “Oh, good one, rusty…”

Anne Robinson (condescendingly): “A, Steiner.” (non-condescendingly) “Irvine, which magic spell traditionally cures almost all status effects?”

Irvine (still trying to flirt with Rikku): “Esuna, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, when would you typically use a phoenix down on someone? When they’re knocked out or on the toilet?”

Rikku: “Knocked out.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Barret,”

Barret: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “What colour of magic is the type learnt from enemies?”

Barret (pausing, thinking about it): “Blue!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Zidane,”

Zidane: “Bank!” (starts looking really pleased with himself)

Anne Robinson: “How many sectors are there in Midgar?”

Zidane (grinning. He knows this): “Eight!”

Anne Robinson (feigning surprise): “Correct!”

Zidane (striking a pose): “Hey, who’s good?”

Anne Robinson: “Rinoa, power, guard, speed and mind are all types of which magic potion?”

Rinoa (utterly confused): “Erm, Ether?”

Anne Robinson (disdainfully): “No dear, sources.”

[Rinoa pouts, crosses her arms and sulks]

Anne Robinson: “Cloud, with which element is Shiva commonly associated?”

Cloud: “Ice.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, which word, meaning “firearm”, follows the words Omega, Diamond, Emerald and Ruby?”

Quistis: “Weapon, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Steiner, what was the name of President Shinra’s son?”

Steiner (utterly dumbfounded): “How would I know?”

Anne Robinson; “Not got the hang of this, have you, Steiner? The answer was Rufus. Irvine, what colour is the skin of a Ronso?”

Irvine (still grinning at Rikku): “Blue, Anne”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, how many questions are there in a SeeD written exam?”

Rikku (thinking): “Erm…”

Irvine (whispering): “Ten!”

Rikku (REALLY glaring at Irvine now): “Ten.”

Anne Robinson (also glaring at Irvine): “Correct. Barret,”

Barret: “Bank!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up, your bank was in time, but you still only managed a pathetic 850 gil in that round from a possible 5000. Now you must ask yourself: whose mind is rustier than their armour?”

Steiner: “Hey!”

Anne Robinson: “Whose hat is just too stupid to remain? It’s time to vote off the weakest link!”

[sound and light effects]

Narrator: “Statistically, Barret is the first strongest link, having banked the most money for the team. Steiner is the weakest link, as he is the only person to have got both his questions wrong. But who will lose out in the first vote of the game?”

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up! Let’s see who you voted as the weakest link!”

[sound and lighting effects]

To be continued… :mwahaha:

Captain SNES, anyone?

Har, these show-type things always have that certain appeal to me… MORE.

That was frickin’ cool. And now to introduce you to a saying GG knows well… MORE DAMMNIT MORE!

This looks interesting. But how will the voting go, is what I want to know. I have a feeling that it may not be what we expect everytime, right?

There may be a couple of surprises in there, but the main appeal lies in WL’s main appeal itself- Ms. Robinson ripping chunks out of the contestants :wink: I was going to have used someone like Brahne as the host, but, as the Americans wisely sussed out when importing TWL, why settle for a substitute when you can have the original and best? :stuck_out_tongue:

Yeah, I wanna see who gets voted. Continue!

On a semi-related note, has anyone else here seen QI, where contestants get points not for right answers, but for how interesting those answers are? Stephen Fry presents, and he’s just a genius.

Zidane: “Rusty Mr. Steiner.”

Rinoa: “Quistis.”

Cloud: “Steiner.”

Quistis: “Rinoa.”

Steiner: “Monkey boy Zidane.”

Irvine: “Steiner.”

Rikku (glaring at Irvine): “Irvine.”

Barret: “Steiner.”

Lulu: “Steiner.”

[sound and lighting effects.]

Steiner: “What! This isn’t fair!”

Anne Robinson: “I think it’s perfectly fair, Steiner. Tell me again how many questions you answered correctly in that round.”

Steiner: “Maybe not as many as most other people,”

Anne Robinson: “You were the only person to answer all of his or her questions wrong, Steiner. In fact, you didn’t even try to answer them correctly.”

Steiner (slightly more subdued): “Well, maybe not, but-”

Anne Robinson: “No buts, Steiner.” (turns to face Irvine) “Irvine.”

Irvine (still grinning): “Annie.”

Anne Robinson: “Don’t call me Annie, Irvine.”

Irvine (not grinning any more): “Sorry, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Did you know before coming on that you’re not supposed to help your fellow contestants with their questions?”

Irvine (turning on the charm): “Oh, come on, I couldn’t ignore a damsel in distress!”

Anne Robinson: “So you decided to be her knight in shining armour?”

Irvine (grinning again): “That’s right!”

Anne Robinson: “Or, in your case, sniper in silly cowboy hat.”

Irvine: “Hey, I like this hat!”

Anne Robinson: “Well, you’re certainly in a minority there.” (turns to face Rinoa) “Rinoa, why Quistis?”

Rinoa: “I felt she was out of order, saying what she did at the start.”

Anne Robinson: “So you’re completely ignoring the fact that she answered both her questions correctly AND banked money for the team?”

Rinoa: “In my opinion, she banked too early.”

Anne Robinson (sarcastic): “Oh come on! As if Steiner would’ve known how to bank!”

Steiner (irritated): “Hey, just a sec-”

Anne Robinson (turning to face Steiner): “Steiner! Your sword may be large, but your brain is not! You are the weakest link- goodbye!”

[…and Steiner takes the walk of shame]


Steiner (livid): “How dare she speak to me in that voice! I am leader of the Pluto Knights! Just because I don’t know two irrelevant questions she treats me like some form of imbecile!” (Reality check, Steiner :stuck_out_tongue: -Neb) “I want to see Zidane go next, that monkey boy could use taking down a peg or two.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Round two, and we’re down to eight players, with ten seconds coming off the clock. We’ll start with the strongest link from the previous round.” (mock surprise) “That’s Barret!”

Barret (pleased with himself): “Hey!”

Anne Robinson: “Let’s play- The Weakest Link!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Start the clock.”

[more effects]

Anne Robinson: “Barret, which element links Ramuh, Quetzacotl and Ixion?”

Barret (thinking): “Umm… lightning!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Lulu, when breeding chocobos, what do you use, seeds or nuts?”

Lulu: “Nuts.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Zidane, which colour of materia is used when summoning monsters?”

Zidane (really thinking): “Ah, erm, red?”

Anne Robinson: “Correct.”

Zidane (really pleased for himself): “Yes!”

Anne Robinson: “Rinoa, the Quen are famous for having long what? Fingers or tongues?”

Rinoa: “Fingers.”

Anne Robinson: “No, tongues.” (Rinoa sulks and pouts again.) “Cloud, what name is given to the event when hordes of monsters descend from the Moon?”

Cloud: “The Lunar Cry.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, in which sector of the Midgar slums is the Wall Market?”

Quistis: “6.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, what name is given to the region in Spira where spirits of the dead gather?”

Irvine (still grinning over at Rikku): “The Farplane.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku,”

Rikku: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “What is the name given to the magic spell that gradually restores health?”

Rikku: “Regen.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Barret, what magic spell do Ronso use to learn blue magic?”

Barret (really straining his mind): “Nope, not a damn clue.”

Anne Robinson (condescendingly): “Lancet, Barret.” (Normally) “Lulu, lightning, ice, earth and which other element makes up the Kjata summon?”

Lulu: “Fire.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Zidane, where would you find a fayth? In a temple or underwater?”

Zidane (confused); “Underwater?”

Anne Robinson (condescendingly): “In a temple, dear.”

Zidane (irritated): “Damn!”

Anne Robinson: “Rinoa, what are the leaders of Yevon known as? Maesters or Maestros?”

Rinoa (thinking it over): “Um, maesters?”

Anne Robinson (fake surprise): “Correct!”

[Rinoa starts to look extremely pleased with herself, and sticks her tongue out at Quistis]

Anne Robinson: “Cloud, how many professional blitzball teams are there in Spira?”

Cloud (struggling. He doesn’t know this): “Um, eight?”

Anne Robinson (condescendingly): “No dear, six.”

[Cloud doesn’t look too fussed about getting it wrong]

Anne Robisnon: “Quistis, an Aurora Armlet absorbs which magical element?”

Quistis: “Ice.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, what types of spheres do you need to use to learn new magical attacks?”

Irvine (winking at Rikku): “Ability spheres.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku,”

Rikku: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “Which summoned monster traditionally attacks with Diamond Dust?”

Rikku: “Shiva!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Barret,”

Barret: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “What is the name of the magic spell that is used to poison someone? Bio or buy-out?”

Barret: “Bio!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Zidane-”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time is up, I cannot complete the question, and in that round you banked yet another pathetic 850 gil. Whose brain is more monkey than human? Whose hairstyle has corrupted their mind? It’s time to vote off the Weakest Link!”

[light and sound effects]

Narrator: “Statistically, Rikku is this round’s strongest link, as she banked the most money for the team. Rinoa is the weakest player, as she lost the team the most money. But who will the team want to get rid of?”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Voting is over, it’s time to see who you voted the Weakest Link!”

…Don’t worry, the next few rounds get better, Anne still has plenty of raw material to work on :wink:
[light and sound effects]

Looking quite good, and is funny. A little more descriptions wouldn’t hurt, though :slight_smile:

While I’m not a fan of The Weakest Link, you have an interesting concept going. I wonder what FF Jeopardy would be like?

Originally posted by Lex
While I’m not a fan of The Weakest Link, you have an interesting concept going. I wonder what FF Jeopardy would be like?

Probably something like Celebrity Jeopardy! In those old SNL skits. God, I loved Sean Connery in those things! :slight_smile:

I really liked Anne when she did the show. Great way of doing her as the host.

“Which village is missing their idiot?”- Anne Robinson

Well that is one person gone, and another to go, when you get back. Cool!

:yipee: Am I ever chuffed about the response to this! In reponse to your (ever-welcome) criticism, Weiila, I know it could use a little more description in it, this is a first draft, the final write up (which I hope will earn a place in the archives) will be more detailed, I promise- the basics are all there (i.e. the questions and Anne slagging everyone off mericlessly) so it shouldn’t take me too long to edit it. Anyway, let’s go on with the show- for all but one of the contestants, anyway…

Zidane: “Cloud.”

Rinoa: “Quistis.”

Cloud: “Zidane.”

Quistis: “Rinoa.”

Irvine: “Zidane.”

Rikku: “Zidane.”

Barret: “Zidane.”

Lulu: “Rinoa.”

[sound and lighing effects]

[Zidane looks really disappointed]

Anne Robinson: “Rikku.”

Rikku (looking a bit unsure of herself): “Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Aren’t you feeling a little cold, dear, seeing as you’re only wearing a bra and a miniskirt?”

Rikku (embarrassed): “At least I’ve got the body for it, Anne.”

Audience (shocked): “Oooooohhh!!!”

Anne Robinson (her face not cracking one bit, thanks to the miracle of botox): “Why Zidane?”

Rikku: “He just looked like he was struggling all game.”

Anne Robinson: “Whereas you just looked like you were shivering.”

[Rikku looks ever so slightly offended.]

Anne Robinson: “Rinoa, who also looks a little chilly.”

Rinoa (smirking): “Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Are you aware you were the worst player in that round?”

Rinoa (now doing a frowny pout): “I was not!”

Anne Robinson: “Yes you were! And yet you persist in voting for someone who hasn’t actually answered a question wrong yet!”

Rinoa (HUGE pout): “I still say she’s out of order!”

Anne Robinson: “Well, statistically you may have been the worst player, but it’s the votes that count. Zidane- you are the Weakest Link! Goodbye!”

[…and Zidane takes the walk of shame.]


Zidane: “I can’t believe that! I wasn’t even the worst player that round! I want to see Irvine go off next, the way he was sleazing over Rikku was just disgusting. Anyone with half a brain can see that she’s hot for me, not him.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Round 3, we’re now down to seven players, and another ten seconds is coming off the clock. We’ll start with the strongest player from the last round- That’s the woman who can’t feel the cold!”

[Rikku looks a little ticked off about being described this way]

Anne Robinson: “Let’s play the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Start the clock.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Rikku, if blue chocobos can cross rivers, which colour can cross mountains?”

Rikku: “Green.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Barret, what is the name of the hometown of the Guado?”

Barret (not a clue): “Guadoville?”

Anne Robinson: “No dear, Guadosalam.” [Barret looks irritated] “Lulu, what are mages who use both black and white magic called?”

Lulu: “Red mages.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rinoa, which airship shares its name with a limit break?”

Rinoa (grinning smugly): “Highwind.”

Anne Robinson (feigning surprise): “Correct!”

[It’s too much- Rinoa starts pouting again]

Anne Robinson: “Cloud, what was the name of the green-skinned queen of Alexandria?”

Cloud: “Brahne.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, the arcade game “Mog House” features which type of creature?”

Quistis: “Moogles.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine,”

Irvine: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “By how much would a mastered HP plus materia increase your HP?”

Irvine (coolly, still trying to flirt with Rikku): “By half again.”

Anne Robinson: “I’ll accept, 50%. Rikku, what is the surname of sorceress Edea?”

Rikku (thinking about it): “Hmm, that’s a toughie…”

[Irvine leans in closer to Rikku]

Anne Robinson: “Irvine, remain exactly where you are!”

[the audience laugh as Irvine frowns.]

Rikku (vexed): “No, I just don’t know it!”

Anne Robinson (condescendingly): “Kramer!” (normally) “Barret, against which element of magic would the spell nultide protect?”

Barret (struggling a little): “Umm, Water?”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Lulu, which word follows Neo and precedes ZERO in the name of summoned monsters?”

Lulu: “Bahamut.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rinoa, how many jockeys traditionally compete in a chocobo race in the gold saucer?”

Rinoa (still pouting): “Eight.”

Anne Robinson (smug condescension): “No dear, six.”

[Rinoa pouts yet more]

Anne Robinson: “Cloud, what ailment would an echo screen typically cure?”

Cloud: “Silence.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, if you have a W-summon, item or magic materia, how many times does it let you use said spells?”

Quistis: “Twice.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, which spell on the sphere grid allows you to use magic twice?”

Irvine (tipping his hat at Rikku): “Doublescast, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku-”

Rikku: “Bank!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up, your bank was just in time, and you improved in that round, team! However, your total of 1250 gil is still far, far below the standard you should be setting. Who’s all brawn and no brain? Who’s suffering not so much from silence as from stupidity? It’s time to vote off the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Narrator: “Statistically, Irvine is the strongest link, as he banked the most money for the team. For the second round in a row, Rinoa is the weakest link. But who will lose out in the vote?”

[light and sound effects]

Round 4 tomorrow :smiley:

Originally posted by Valkyrie Esker
Probably something like Celebrity Jeopardy! In those old SNL skits. God, I loved Sean Connery in those things! :slight_smile:

“I’ll take The Rapists for 500 please.” :hahaha;

And I’ve never accualy seen Weakest Link, but this is quite interesting.


Kickass! I rarely read fanfics, but… that kicked ass!

You really like leaving us on a cliffhanger, don’t you, Neb? Well anyway, I just want to find out what happens next.

Originally posted by GG Crono 4
[BNow GETT BACK TO WORK ON HERITAGE! cracks whip [/b]

catches whip I have been- part 2 should be up in one of the next couple of updates :hahaha;

And if you thought my cliffhangers were bad before, hoo boy, are you in for a treat there :mwahaha:

Anyway, any predictions on who’s gone next? :wink:

I think Rikku’s gone. She loves flirting

No. More likely Rinoa. She’s been bitchy and she hans’t done well this last round…