You read the title 
Some of you may know by now I’m an absolute quiz show nut (applied to go on 5 different quiz shows, appeared on 2 I’m not even 21 yet), in particular, the Weakest Link- one day, I was playing FFX and wondering just what would happen if, in some bizarre twisted sense of reality, Anne Robinson faced off against Lulu. This was followed up the next day when I was playing FFIX, with Steiner being in one of his more idiotic moods (one step short of being alseep) and a fanfic began to take shape in my mind… A few months & 7 more characters later, this is the result. Enjoy…
Narrator: “The nine people here today have never met before, but all share something in common. Together they will have to work as a team to raise money for charity, but only one of them will be able to take away that money, as round by round, we lose the player voted: THE WEAKEST LINK.”
[Run titles]
Anne Robinson: “Welcome to a special Final Fantasy edition of the Weakest Link. The nine people here are all famous for their world-saving adventures, but today, they will face a challenge of a different type, trying to raise as much money for charity as possible.”
Zidane: “Charity!?”
Anne Robinson (ignoring Zidane): “However, only one of them can take the money away. So, let’s meet the team!”
Zidane: “I’m Zidane Tribal, I’m 16 and I’m from Alexandria, and NO ONE told me about the charity deal.”
Rinoa: “I’m Rinoa Heartilly, I’m 17 and I’m from Deling City. And I am going to win the weakest link.”
Cloud: “I’m Cloud Strife, I’m 21 and from Nibelheim, and I just want to get this over and done with.”
Quistis: “I’m Quistis Trepe, I’m 18 and from Balamb Garden. And Rinoa? You’re not going to win the weakest link.”
Steiner: “I’m Adelbert Steiner, I’m 32 and from Alexandria, and in the name of her majesty, I will win!”
Irvine: “I’m Irvine Kinneas, I’m 17 and from Galbaldia Garden, and,” (casting a glance in Rikku’s direction) “Damn, I’m surrounded by some fine-looking women tonight!”
Rikku (staring at Irvine, unimpressed): “I’m Rikku, I’m also 17 and I’m an Al Bhed, and I need to win tonight, so I can rebuild my home.”
Barret: “I’m Barret Wallace, I’m 35 years old and I’m from Corel, and I’d rather be fightin’ then ans’ring some damn fool questions!”
Lulu: “I’m Lulu, I’m 22 years old and I’m from Besaid, and tonight, I shall be victorious.”
Anne Robinson: “Now the rules… (yadda yadda yadda, you’ve all seen the show, right?) …The first round lasts for three minutes, and we start with the player whose name is first alphabetically. That’s you, Barret. Let’s play the weakest link!”
[sound and light effects a-plenty]
Anne Robinson: “The first question is for 100 gil. Start the clock.”
[sound effects]
Anne Robinson: “Barret, which ancient Norse god frequently crops up as a summoned monster in Final Fantasy?”
Barret (really trying to make his brain work, you can hear the grinding): “Uuuh…umm… Odin! Odin!”
Anne Robinson: “Correct.”
Barret (quietly): “yes!”
Anne Robinson: “Lulu, how many Magus Sisters are there?”
Lulu (cold and clinically): “Three.”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Zidane, what are Cetra better known as?”
Zidane (frozen, trying to work it out): “Summoners?”
Anne Robinson: “No, ancients. Rinoa, what is the highest rank available in SOLDIER?”
Rinoa (pouting aggressively at Quistis): “First class.”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Cloud, Vinzer Deling was president of which nation?”
Cloud (coldly): “Galbaldia.”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis,”
Quistis: “Bank!”
Anne Robinson: “How many outfield players are there on each blitzball team?”
Quistis: “Five.”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Steiner, what is the highest possible total on one side of a triple triad card?”
Steiner (dumbfounded): “Huh? How should I know?”
Zidane (whispering and shaking his head): “Oh, good one, rusty…”
Anne Robinson (condescendingly): “A, Steiner.” (non-condescendingly) “Irvine, which magic spell traditionally cures almost all status effects?”
Irvine (still trying to flirt with Rikku): “Esuna, Anne.”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, when would you typically use a phoenix down on someone? When they’re knocked out or on the toilet?”
Rikku: “Knocked out.”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Barret,”
Barret: “Bank!”
Anne Robinson: “What colour of magic is the type learnt from enemies?”
Barret (pausing, thinking about it): “Blue!”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Zidane,”
Zidane: “Bank!” (starts looking really pleased with himself)
Anne Robinson: “How many sectors are there in Midgar?”
Zidane (grinning. He knows this): “Eight!”
Anne Robinson (feigning surprise): “Correct!”
Zidane (striking a pose): “Hey, who’s good?”
Anne Robinson: “Rinoa, power, guard, speed and mind are all types of which magic potion?”
Rinoa (utterly confused): “Erm, Ether?”
Anne Robinson (disdainfully): “No dear, sources.”
[Rinoa pouts, crosses her arms and sulks]
Anne Robinson: “Cloud, with which element is Shiva commonly associated?”
Cloud: “Ice.”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, which word, meaning “firearm”, follows the words Omega, Diamond, Emerald and Ruby?”
Quistis: “Weapon, Anne.”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Steiner, what was the name of President Shinra’s son?”
Steiner (utterly dumbfounded): “How would I know?”
Anne Robinson; “Not got the hang of this, have you, Steiner? The answer was Rufus. Irvine, what colour is the skin of a Ronso?”
Irvine (still grinning at Rikku): “Blue, Anne”
Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, how many questions are there in a SeeD written exam?”
Rikku (thinking): “Erm…”
Irvine (whispering): “Ten!”
Rikku (REALLY glaring at Irvine now): “Ten.”
Anne Robinson (also glaring at Irvine): “Correct. Barret,”
Barret: “Bank!”
[light and sound effects]
Anne Robinson: “Time’s up, your bank was in time, but you still only managed a pathetic 850 gil in that round from a possible 5000. Now you must ask yourself: whose mind is rustier than their armour?”
Steiner: “Hey!”
Anne Robinson: “Whose hat is just too stupid to remain? It’s time to vote off the weakest link!”
[sound and light effects]
Narrator: “Statistically, Barret is the first strongest link, having banked the most money for the team. Steiner is the weakest link, as he is the only person to have got both his questions wrong. But who will lose out in the first vote of the game?”
Anne Robinson: “Time’s up! Let’s see who you voted as the weakest link!”
[sound and lighting effects]
To be continued… :mwahaha:
This looks interesting. But how will the voting go, is what I want to know. I have a feeling that it may not be what we expect everytime, right?
Probably something like Celebrity Jeopardy! In those old SNL skits. God, I loved Sean Connery in those things! 