FF VII Fic: FF: ISIS

The Core Media Forum
1

My first fic in this site,hope I get lucky.

Chapter I

The sky was Ocean blue,as some sparks and fire raised Cid’s Airship into the sky of the Midgarians. Light and darkness were struggling for the ultimate battle.
The Lifestream and Meteo,Holy and Dark as the eyes of vilage people shined.

Some cried but there was something special about a girl,looking out the window a very special girl,Tifa’s Girl. As some minutes passed,then a big explosion of light stroked the village. The battle was to finish but Cloud saw something really bizarre,as he looked at Tifa’s daughter…he saw something no one else could see what he saw.

Light entering the room,a shiny cristal entering into the body of Tifa’s daughter and an Angel?

How this could be,an angel…i’t was impossible as Cloud couldn’t believe it,he heard the terrible voice of Sephiroth with an annoying noise like a beeeeep.

"Cloud you fool,you thought you defeated me,you’re wrong,my heart and soul still LIVE!!!,don’t you remember…(laugh)
(with an arrogant tone)You…you are the exact clone of me!!
COME TO ME!!! FUSE WITH ME AS IT IS THE ONLY WAY,TORMENTED SOUL!!! JOIN ME AND WE WILL DESTROY THE WORLD AND BE GODS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!
MUAAAHHAAAHHAAAHHAAA!!!

Cloud answered but it was useless,he saw Aeris
Aeris: CLOUD CLOUD CLOUD,YOU CAN----WITH HIM,HELP ME!!
FREE ME!!!

Cloud was still responsing with a strong tone,saying"NO NO,YOU CAN’T CONTRRR…YES MY SEPHIRO–…NO I CAN’T!!!

As he heard the voice again of Aeris shouting his name.

Cloud Cloud!!

Cloud saw the light,he was breathing through a respiration mask,he was on bed…on a hospital bed.
He saw the face of Tifa.
Cloud Cloud!! are you alright?

What happened,Tifa?(cloud in a low tone)
Your heart was pumping very fast,210 beats per minute, I don’t understand how you survived that??? You got me so worried Cloud,I thought you weren’t going to survive.

I’m better now but…what happened to your daughter???

This story will continue later,write how you felt about the Fanfic.
Write comments please!.

2

Here’s the critique:

There are a TON of grammar/spelling errors in this. For starters, you need to put spaces after commas, such as “The sky was Ocean blue, as some…”. “Airship” isn’t capitalized, and I’m not sure if Midgarians is a term; either way, it sounds awkward. You should consider “people of Midgar” instead.

“Light and darkness were struggling for the ultimate battle.
The Lifestream and Meteo,Holy and Dark as the eyes of vilage people shined.”

The part about light and darkness also looks awkward, and in the second part, not only did you spell village wrong, but “shined” isn’t a word. It’s “shone”.

In the following paragraphs: “As some minutes passed” needs to be changed, as does “then a big explosion of light stroked the village”. More important than grammar errors, this makes absolutely no sense. What’s this about Tifa’s Girl? What about the whole “crystal of light”? For that matter, how does Sephiroth magically return?

The way you handle dialogue really needs improvement too. For starters, you only need to use ONE EXCLAMATION POINT. You also shouldn’t use paranthesis to express emotion; things like (laugh) and (scowl) really don’t make the story interesting.

“he heard the terrible voice of Sephiroth with an annoying noise like a beeeeep.”

I’m not even going to try to explain that part. You NEED to fix that.

This also seems to have a weak plot. So far all I hear is “OMG CLOUD FUSE WITH ME (how?) AND WE WILL BECOME GODS OF THE UNIVERSE!”, which doesn’t exactly captivate an audience.

For that matter, it’s just too short. It took me about fifteen seconds to read your fanfic. Make it longer, fix the spelling and grammar, improve on how you convey dialogue between characters, and most of all, make it INTERESTING.

3

It seems as though you’re trying to open your story in medias res, but since it’s such a blur and the action is so vague, the technique falls short of capturing the attention of your readers, turning them away rather than drawing them in. Furthermore, none of this makes any sense, since the story opens with the clash of Meteo and Holy, yet given that Aeris and Sephiroth are apparently dead and that Tifa has a daughter, this seems to occur some time after the events of the game. There is virtually no coherence to the events, and the stylistic method of grammar you use is hardly aesthetic. Try a more traditional method of writing a story, such as one where you use full sentences to describe action and tone of voice, etc.

4

Okay, from what I gathered I think this is either the part in the game where Cloud is suffering from Mako poisoning or it is after the game and Cloud survived a heart attack. Either way they are both traumatic experiences and very emotional. The emotion did not come across very clearly. There is a lot of confusion present but I had to reread it a couple times to fill in and correct the grammar to get it.