Feeling

The Core Media Forum
1

These almost sound more like song lyrics than a poem, but let me know what you think:

Close Your Eyes
Feeling like you never know what to do
You’re potential walking on two feet
But you never know where you have to go
Feeling like all you ever do is wait
Looking to turn off this one-way street

Close your eyes!
You never know what you’re doing
You never know where you’re going
And only so long before it all dies
But now you’re feeling alive

Feeling like you never know what to say
You’ve got a thousand stories to tell
But you never know which one to recall
You know your heart’s got a beautiful voice
But you don’t do translation very well

Close your eyes!
You never know what you’re doing
You never know where you’re going
And only so long before it all dies
But now you’re feeling alive

Feeling like you never know how to live
Trying to hold on to the life you’ve got
But it’s always slipping through your fingers
Trying to let go of what doesn’t matter
Thinking you should be seeing something, but you’re not

Close your eyes!
You never know what you’re doing
You never know where you’re going
And only so long before it all dies
But now you’re feeling alive

Edit: Fixed the title.

2

It’s good, but some of the lyrics in the verses could do with some work. I like it though.

3

Thanks. Is there anything in particular you had in mind?

4

Well, I don’t like the “Dull one-way street” in verse 1. I think “One-way street” would be better. The chorus is good but verse 2 seems slightly out of rythm for some reason and I like verse 3. Just some ideas.

5

You know, you’re right about the “dull.” I put it there because I was going for ten syllable lines wherever I could, but the poem’s better without it. I’ll edit the post and take that out.

6

its good :toast:

7

Wow! That was amazing! My favourite line was: “You know your heart’s got a beautiful voice / But you don’t do translation very well”. How many of us want to express something about ourselves, but can’t find a way to get it out right?

The only thing that didn’t fit for me was “But you never know where you have to go”. For some reason, I feel ‘want’ would fit better than ‘have’, but I can’t say why. It’s just my opinion, though.

Definitely very lyric-y. Do you have a tune for it in your head? Great job with this!

8

Thanks - that was a very nice response :). I see what you mean about “want to” vs. “have to”. The idea that you have to do something doesn’t really fit the message of the poem. I guess I put “have to” because the verses are more from the perspective of “you” than the speaker. You’re trying to find out where you have to go, but the speaker responds that you never know where you’re going: you never have to go anywhere.

I have a vague idea of what kind of music would fit each portion of the poem. I’d follow through on it, if I knew a little more about writing music.