E3 is NEXT WEEK!!!

Get hyped or get skeptical, son.

Once again predicting that Nintendo’s conference will be the only one to not induce a coma.

I wonder what the hell Microsoft is going to do. Sony has to show off their fancy super-powerful handheld that they hope will win the race on hardware power alone even though Nintendo has spent the last few years proving that’s stupid, and Nintendo will (hopefully) pimp out new titles for the 3DS instead of having another Reggie Flowchart-athon, but what does MS have?


Sorry, I couldn’t help it.

An apology for Kinect.

Valve won’t be there, so my heart is broken.

I hope that my Café au lait still keeps its certain je ne sais quoi after the christening

So MS is done.

Halo 4 managed to make it within an hour of MS’s conference before getting leaked. A new record!

But everything else fell within prediction. All your favorite games. Now with Kinect! Along with more mostly useless/counterproductive Kinect crap.

It’s basically the best we could’ve hoped for. Down to only one epic fail even.

Now for EA to rehash it all over again and for Ubi to put us to sleep.

Edit: EA is done.

Insomniac has a new IP.

That is all.

Edit: Ubi is done.

New Asscreed, New Super Rayman Bros. looked mildly amusing, and more FPS/Racing Simulators/Kinect crap. The games were better this year, the personality was worse.

Embarrass themselves, that’s what.

Most of these guys really need to learn how to talk to people. You’re selling shit guys, try to work some mojo.

Apparently, there’s a gritty Tomb Raider reboot coming, a concept that sounds… I dunno, people still give a shit about Tomb Rider? Honestly, the only thing that really stood out from that was the excessive amount of pornstar fake-moaning Lara did with every movement. Peter Molyneux showed up to try and vastly oversell his next disappointment and there were lots and LOTS of Kinect whoring, most of which looked pretty damn lame. The Star Wars thing was particularly ridiculous. Swinging a lightsaber like a Jedi would be most people’s wet dream, but the “like a Jedi” part is kind of fucking important. When your avatar moves like he’s still kinda getting the hang of the whole “hitting” thing no matter which way you swing, I fail to see how the experience is supposed to do anything we can’t already achieve with a simple button.

The best part about that Star Wars trailer was with the guy standing about a foot away from three droids, shouting for his litesaver to turn on, while the droids were firing in random directions or even just standing around admiring scenery/waiting for their ATB gauge to fill. The second best was with one of those glowstick droids doing a little showboating before getting cut down like a chump by the player, just as Indiana Jones would do.

EA’s Need for Speed trailer though was somehow even worse. Oh look, mandatory on foot segments that are both utterly boring and consist entirely of mindless QTE events, then you get a nigh undestructable police vehicle sequence, until the scripted escape from the car before the train hits which you’re pretty much guaranteed to escape from in just the nick of time given that it too is a QTE. And afterwords you get to go back for your car to do this all over again in the next town.


That Reckoning thing picqued my interest though, especially if they got Salvatore to write it. Seems like a more elaborate GoW/Darksiders-type game with hopefully more fleshed out plot. I could get behind that.

The traler of Old Republic looked impressive, and completely devoid of any actual in-game footage. There may be a correlation there.

Other than that, shooters, shooters, shooters and Mass Effect 3, now with more shooting and no visible RPG elements in sight.


Brothers in Arms looks… okay, for yet ANOTHER Nazi-killing game, it at least looks like it has a nice Tarantino-ish attitude.

TinTin!? Holy shit! A TinTin adventure game! With Steven Spielberg! And Peter Jackson! Okay, now we’re cooking!

Priceman, stop trying to be witty. You are painfully bad at it.

Aaaaaaand more shooters.

Update: Priceman. I’m warning you. Stop. Just, stop.

Aaaaaand it’s over. Second half was fairly shitty, although new Assassin’s Creed looked cool if not particularly innovative. Priceman got even more annoying every time he opened his mouth. I swear, I laughed when he asked the audience to do the dooodile doooodile deee~ thing and everyone was dead silent.

Shit. How could I have forgotten the TinTin game. Even though in motion it looked like a more colorful version of the same third person action game, it definitely felt like a step up from the rest of the presentation thus far. Also those retro things were goofy as hell, and totally inaccurate (RTS didn’t exist until Dune 2 came out in the early 90s).

Brothers in Arms though felt more like the Team Fortress 2 to the Team Fortress of their previous games.

Man there just isn’t all that much to comment on the Ubi conference. Either the games looked good (Rayman, TinTin), or were really bland or had been seen before (with Asscreed being the only middleground in this), and the commentary was sheer crap to the point where the constant almost complete lack of applause was more amusing than anything else. Also Rocksmith? Really? You’re giving us Guitar Hero: The Next Generation?

Maybe Sony will give us more than just a video montage and a really awful child spokesperson this year?


We start up with some predictable damage control…

Uncharted 3… Don’t really care much about this. Looks pretty.

Moar shootan…

Tretton at least knows how to not to bore an audience without making an ass of himself.

3D whoring… ICO AND SOTC IN 3D! Alright, that actually got me to pay attention.

That TV is actually pretty cool. The split-screen thing is awesome. Nice pricetag too.

Ok, Medieval Moves seems more like what MS’ Kinect Geriatric-Jedi game should have been. On the other hand, it does seem like it’s a purely action-driven game made solely to showcase the Move’s gimmick. Nice job Jeremy.

Hirai talks business. ZZZZzzzzzaaand there it is, NGP is Playstation Vita. Okay, you got a nice name for it and it looks very powerful. Now please remember to make a sizeable library of games for it a little sooner than several years’ down the line.
Ruin… yeah, look, that’s Diablo.

Woah… Vita is 300 bucks with WiFi and 250 vanilla? I expected it to cost like a BAZILLION DOLLARS.

Aaaaaaand it’s over. Overall, “meh”. I guess the Vita stuff was cool but I don’t care about any of these games. Where’s The Last Guardian, Sony?

Welp. Fewer montages than last year, so that’s a plus. Sony handled the PSN crash in a classy damage control/goading it’s consumers way. Vita made a decent showing overall for what one could’ve expected. Didn’t show off much of a potential library or any detailed specs but it came out with a reasonable price point.

The TV dual screen thing was neat but once you remember that it only applies to TVs with that kind of technology and they aren’t exactly prevalent yet. Meaning that developers aren’t very likely to take advantage of it unless they can justify the cost to program for it. You’re also not going to get a three dee effect during said multiplayer session due to the fact that the TV kinda needs those dual images for the whole 3D illusion to exist in the first place.

Basically, this sums up Sony’s showing this year. Neat stuff but not a whole lot of information was passed. (It’s sad when the biggest bomb they drop for their E3 conference this year was the release date of the next Star Trek movie.)



New Wii is gonna have built-in features similar to the Kinect.

New smash title.

More Zelda: Skyward Sword footage, AND it gets pushed back to next year, as is tradition.

New 3DS models

New Pokemon Collesium. I heard the deluxe version of Black/White will be out later in the year, but in case it IS announced at E3, I’m calling dibs on the name either being Chrome, Opal, or Magnum.

Pilotwings title for the Wii.

Epic Mickey sequal.


Alright, Nintendo is up. I know that their new console will probably be their biggest sale, but I’m hoping for at least some new games besides the Skyward Sword footage.


Hey, a Zelda concert. I need to get a recording of that.

Iwata dickteases us with the Cafe in broken English…


New Mario Kart with… customizable karts? Looks interesting. StarFox 64 3D port, cool. New Mario looks really cool. HOLY SHIT, KID ICARUS LOOKS AWESOME… except for Pit’s voice. Aaaand Luigi’s Mansion 2? Ehhh, ok. Hey, Cave Story 3D!

Pokeyman stuff…

Project Café is… WiiU… Goddamnit, guys. Your naming sense blows.

The actual controller thing looks interesting though. It’s gimmicky, but it looks like a gimmick with a lot of potential for very cool shit.

Nevermind that, was that Skyward Sword? C’mon Iwata, don’t tease me bro! SON OF A BITCH, YOU JUST SHOWED US SOME ZELDA SHIT, WHAT WAS THAT!? No answer? Fuck.

Suddenly, games! DARKSIDERS 2! Ninja Gaiden 3! Okay, I actually give a shit now. New Smash Bros!

Aaaaand, over. Alright, that was… alright. The controller has potential, but it’s up to them to actually do cool shit with it. Only a couple of new games. Kid Icarus looks cool. But what about Skyward Sword?

Yeah. That controller is like the Swiss Army Knife of controllers. I just hope there’s some sort of charging station included or something because that fucker’s gonna eat batteries like there’s no tomorrow. Also the Wii U console itself looks to be like a smaller and more compact Wii.

As for that Zelda demo on the Wii U seemed more like a tech demo much like that infamous Link/Ganon duel from years back. There definitely was some new Skyward Sword footage at the start though (Oh hey Zelda. Riding around with Link on Latias and Latios).

Otherwise it’s basically the first party titles are looking cool as usual, oh hey, 3rd party devs, and gloating (although gloating about Zelda on it’s 25th anniversary is pretty well justified).

How the fuck am I supposed to use that damn controller? I mean, even despite the fact it’s the size of a fucking iPad, what the hell are they thinking putting the analog sticks ABOVE the D-Pad and face buttons? How the fuck do they think that’s even slightly comfortable and intuitive?

The only human-hand-shaped (i.e. not N64) controller that DOESN’T have the left stick above the D-pad is the Dual Shock, and after getting used to the much more comfortable 360 gamepad, I have to say FUCK the Dual Shock. The right stick is always awkward to use no matter where you put it, I guess it’s just a change from twisting your right thumb awkwardly down and to the left to twisting it awkwardly up.