Collision Factor (FF8)

This’s a fic I’m working on, and it’s set like, 2 years after the actual game. So far, I have 4 parts of it done, and I’m working on part 5, like, as we speak.
Er…as we type. Ya get the idea.

Basically, I got bored.
What you see here are parts 1 and 2.

“Oh no oh no oh nooo…Gonna be late!” In the halls of a very busy Garden, a girl, obviously a new recruit, was in a panicked rush. Since it was her first day in Balamb, she wanted to make a good impression, and hence wanted to be on time for her classes. So, naturally, the only way to do this was to push forcefully through the mob of students.
Of course, after a while, this got a bit tiring, so she stopped to take a rest, wondering vainly what everybody’s hurry was, then came to the quite bizarre conclusion that everybody was rushing to escape the girl’s sight.
Her given name had been Yolei but, even though she was only 17, she had already been labeled a “Freak” by many and other names by some lowlife losers. Generally, her appearance wasn’t very Freak-ish, she was of medium height, had a clear face with light brown eyes and ponytailed blonde hair, hair that had been streaked half-violet due to an incident that happened when she was seven, an embarrasing incident she didn’t particularly care to discuss. It was the hair that had earned her the reputation of a Freak with her peers throughout her years in public school.
But things were going to be different at Balamb Garden, oh yes, Yolei was oh-so-sure of it. Besides, they couldn’t have been trying to get away from -her-, since she had been pushed,shoved, and rammed into more times than she could count. It had to be something else, but…what?
She heaved a collective sigh, and began walking again, still wondering what could possibly be going on. The thoughts were swimming through her head so quickly that she barely noticed the mob-like crowd dissipate, and was brought crashing back to earth with the sounding of a very loud bell.
“Oh dammit!” The unexpected oath slipped easily through her lips, adding to her aggravation. But,strangely enough, instead of racing off, Yolei just stood there, shocked and dismayed beyond belief. That was her standard reaction to any crisis, simply standing dumbstruck for a while, then freaking out when it hit her.
Only this time, “it” hit her a lot faster than usual.
At first, Yolei had no idea what had happened exactly, only knowing that she had been pushed flat on her butt by something and was now dazed. After about half a second, her senses seemed to function properly again. The scent of soft leather wafted into her nostrils, and she heard the “squeak, squeak” of sneakers, and when the blur left her eyes, she saw a gloved hand being waved in front of her face. The hand was attached to a young man with oddly spiked blonde hair, a facial tattoo reminiscent of lightning, and blue eyes filled with a look of concern. Kinda cute,no, really cute, Yolei thought, her head still spinning, and she wondered if she was hallucinating.
“You okay?”
The simple question succeeded in causing the poor girl a great deal of embarrasment, and she slowly got back on her feet.
“Uh…Y-yeah. I’m… fine, th-thanks…” She emphasized this by brushing herself off and flashing a sweet smile. “I was just…trying to get to class.” The blonde boy chuckled.
“You’re new here, huh?” When Yolei nodded, he quirked his head, the light sapphires of his eyes shining.
“I…I just got here yesterday.” In an instant, Yolei’s paranoid side came out. “You…You’re not gonna get me in trouble, are ya?” He shook his head, an amused grin playing his face.
“Nah. But wait… New student…just arrived yesterday… Yolei Alcher, right?”
“Whaa? How’d you know?” Her face was displaying a look of embarrased shock. Her eyes went wide and traces of a light blush began to show themselves.
“Oops. Forgot to introduce myself. It’s only fair, I -did- bump into you and end up pushing you about two feet away.” Again a grin splashed across his face. “Name’s Dincht. Zell Dincht, SeeD rank 30 and lover of hotdogs.”
“Uhhmm…And how should that explain why you know my name?” With that, Zell began laughing.
“Oh, sorry. It’s a SeeD requirement that we all have to be familiar with every single student in this Garden. And yes, that really -is- boring.” He caught the look of confusion on her face. “Something wrong?” At first, she shook her head, then nodded.
“Actually I was wondering…”
“Do you know why everyone’s in such a hurry today?”
As if the answer was the most obvious thing ever, Zell nodded.
“Of course I do! Today’s the annual SeeD test, and everyone’s edgy and excited about that. They just…”
And at that precise moment, the bell marking the end of homeroom went off, making Yolei jump yet again. Zell sweatdropped, looking nervously at the clock that hung nearby.
“Damn! I gotta go. Cid’s probably going to kill me…” The look on his face was clear, he didn’t want to discuss why the headmaster was out for his blood. “Well, Yolei, it’s been nice running into you. Hey, since you’re a trainee, I’ll see you later for the exam, huh?”
“Yeah. Guess so.”
Not another word was exchanged between the two. Zell ran down the hallway leading to the SeeD meeting room while Yolei concluded her walk to class. From what she had heard, Garden’s instructors were pretty lenient about new students being late, but she wasn’t particularily interested in seeing for herself…

Balamb Garden - SeeD Lounge, Noon-ish
Hours had passed since the unfortunate, or perhaps fortunate, accident in the hallway, and Yolei’s meeting with her Homeroom teacher had gone rather well, although her head was still spinning. However, Zell hadn’t fared as well. Having missed part of a very important SeeD meeting meant being assigned to Instructor duty in the SeeD test later on, which was the absolute last thing the blonde fighter wanted, or needed. The decision had been made over two hours ago, and Zell was still depressed about it as he lay on one of the Lounge’s many sofas and sipping a Dr. Pepper, tapping his foot.
Suddenly the glass door swung open, and Seifer sauntered in, swaggering about like he owned the place as usual. Zell didn’t even bother to tell the intruder that he wasn’t allowed or wanted in the SeeD Lounge, mostly because of sheer fear. True, the younger blonde had more authority and say in things than more than a few people at Garden, but he didn’t really want to use his authority near Seifer and get his ass kicked into next year for it!
“Yo, Dincht. What squad you in charge of?”
“…” Zell wasn’t really willing to answer, for fear that he might accidentally say the wrong thing, and thus have his rear kicked ahead in time. This made Seifer glare at him.
“Answer me, Chicken-wuss. What squad are you in charge of!?” He grabbed Zell by the collar, threatening to give him a well-deserved (in his mind anyway) punch in the face.
“Shit…” The tall blonde muttered to himself, and swaggered right back out the door.
Zell couldn’t help but grin at Seifer, who obviously didn’t realize that only actual Instructors could deduct marks from Exam participants. This wouldn’t be so bad after all…
The afternoon passed quickly after that. Soon the time for the SeeD recruits to take their exam had arrived. Naturally, all the hopefuls had arrived promptly in the front hall. Except for one.
A certain blonde chick was late. Again. After nearly ten minutes, Cid had an announcement made.
“Would Yolei Alcher PLEASE report to the front hall immediately!”
“Oh -shit!- Late again… Not good…” Something told the girl that being late for the biggest exam she would ever take wasn’t exactly a good thing. Not willing to be any later, Yolei just grabbed her Garden uniform top, which she had already declared annoying, and tied it about her waist. She smirked, really pleased with herself for sidestepping Garden’s strict dress code. From what she had heard, tying part of one’s uniform around the waist didn’t qualify as “defacing”. Satisfied with her new “look”, Yolei sprinted from her room down to the Hall.
Time waited for noone, and she was fairly sure the Instructors wouldn’t either.
She just hoped they wouldn’t notice…Wait, they already had. A knot of fear had tied up in her stomach, growing huge by the time she passed the last fish fountain. Already students were leaving, heading for the large vessels parked outside of Garden. She tried to follow, but was stopped abruptly.
“Hey! Yolei! Wait a minute!” The voice,which she recognized instantly, almost made her heart stop. She didn’t dare turn to look at him, for fear that he just may notice the slightest hint of a blush on her cheeks. The fact that she was blushing confused the shit out of her.
It just didn’t make sense.
Zell Dincht was older. He was a SeeD, her superior.
But he was so cute!
Cute or not, it still didn’t make sense. They had just met!
She turned to face him, arching a pale eyebrow.
“You’re in Squad B, with me.”
“Yup! You’re lucky too.” The blonde boy had a wide smirk on his face.
“I…am? Why?”
“I’m nice to trainees. Especially the ones I’m in charge of.” The smile widened, and so did poor Yolei’s eyes. “Somethin’ wrong?”
The moment he asked, she began to wonder if Zell Dincht was a mind reader. She didn’t want to show her true thoughts yet, mostly because she herself didn’t understand them yet. So, she shook her head.
“Nah. Just nervous, I guess.” Yolei smiled, shrugging it off as if her nerves were nothing.
“Nothing wrong with bein’ nervous. It’s your first real battle, right?”
“Yeah.” She felt her smile fade as her nerves gave her a kick in the stomach. He noticed this, and quirked his head.
“Well, don’t let it get to you.” He put his hand on her shoulder, making any blush that was starting to form become ridiculously obvious. “Just stay focused and you’ll be fine.” Zell grinned again. If he noticed the deep red of her cheeks, or the fact that her heart was pounding like a bass drum, he didn’t show it, just squeezed her shoulder. “Oh, and remember, I’m lookin’ out for ya. Okay?”
“O…Okay.” In reality, she was anything but okay. How could she stay focused when he was watching out for her if she was sent into a confused blushing frenzy when he innocently touched her shoulder? She would try. She had to try her hardest to pass this exam, and wasn’t about to let such a trivial thing as what felt like a developing major crush interfere with her success. Zell lifted his hand from Yolei’s shoulder, and began walking to the gate. Having no other options, she followed him timidly, eyes watching his shadow and nothing else. She didn’t dare look at him, afraid that she’d lose what little focus she had.
If she could just last long enough to pass, she would be fine…

It looks pretty nice so far. You might want to put spaces between the paragraphs to make it a little easier to read.

::doh:: Good idea! makes a note of that Thx, I’ll keep that in mind sweatdrops
Oh, I’ll post 3 & 4 next time I’m online ^_^’’’

Yike, hope this’s spaced out enough sweatdrop I copied it right from my page, so it’s fairly spacious. And huge.

Nearly twenty minutes later, on a Garden vessel headed for

Esthar, Yolei was still focused, but barely. She was sitting between

Seifer and Zell, and from the nauseated look on Seifer’s face, he was

about as happy about the seating arrangement as she was.

    Zell was busy looking over the clipboard containing the 

mission briefing, which had just been explained in almost complete

gibberish. Yolei tapped him on the shoulder timidly.

    "Zell?" The blonde looked up at her with curiosity.


    "Um, what exactly is out mission?" He grinned at her, causing a bit

of a blush on her cheeks.

"You didn’t understand Commander Slur-a-lot either, huh? Don’t worry,

I’ll tell you."

“Then what’re you waiting for?”

“…He’s probably waiting for you to shut up.” Seifer muttered, eyes

gazing up at the ceiling.

"Almasy, points will be deducted from your mark. Keep your opinion to

yourself." Zell said, trying to hide the satisfaction from his

voice. The taller man didn’t say anything else, and Zell turned

back to Yolei.

"Basically, our mission is to curb Esthar’s monster population.

Apparently, President Loire’s sick of waking up and seeing an

Elnoyle outside his window every morning." He chuckled at the

thought. “Any other questions?”

“Um, when do we land?”

“Um, should be any minute now.” He grinned cutely at her. “You ready?”

Raw nerves set in, and she gulped, then nodded, nervous fingers

fiddling with her crossbow. Poor thing, Zell thought, she’s

probably never killed anything bigger than a Bomb…

He put his hand on her shoulder again.

“Don’t worry, YoYo. Like I said, I’m watching after you.” She looked

up from the weapon, smiled weakly, and nodded.

“Yeah. You’re right. Thanks, Zell.” It was getting easier to focus

now, she thought, despite the fact that she still blushed a bit, and

her heart was set aflutter at the moment. If she ignored it, the

feeling would go away.

It usually always did.

Yolei didn’t have time to ponder her feelings before the Garden vessel docked and everyone quickly stood up, filing out much like ants in line.

The first thing that the girl noticed was the view of the city before her. Esthar was big, that much she knew, but she never would have imagined just how big. Just going by first glance, Yolei thought that there was enough room in this wonderland of brightness and technology to fit at least three towns the size of her beloved Timber within its borders.

Zell noticed her reaction, wide eyes and gaping mouth, and chuckled.

“Big, huh?” She jumped at his voice, blushed nervously, and nodded. “Wait till ya see the whole thing.”

“It’s like, bigger than the moon!!!”

“Aah, not quite. But it ~is~ a cool city. You should have seen it before the Lunar Cry, back before the President knew what a Real monster was.” The blonde chuckled again, clearly amused. "Anyway, we should really get to Camp before all the action starts. "

At this moment, a question began to plague Yolei’s mind, and she hesitated.

“Uh, Zell? What exactly is an Elnoyle?”

“You’ll see!” His voice was too cheerful to be allowed, especially under the circumstances. He was obviously not too happy about whatever this Elnoyle thing was.

Nothing else was said until the pair reached the camp where the trainees would be staying. It was gloomy, with several tents displaying the Balamb Garden emblem, which made the place look more like a military barrack than a campsite. To make matters worse, the sound of monsters shrieking could be heard. After dropping off the gear he was carrying outside of a tent, Zell turned to Yolei.

“Look over there.” He pointed his gloved hand to the south. “See that big thing?”

“Umm, the big, black thing with the fangs?”

“Yes! That, my dear, is an Elnoyle. You stay away from that unless you want to die!”

It took a few seconds for this to register into her mind, and her face went paper-white.

“A…Aren’t we uh, supposed to fight that?!”

“Yeah. Unfortunately. I just meant that you should stay away from it when you’re alone.” If Zell had been a little bit more open with his feelings, he would’ve hugged her. Hyne only knew that girl needed a hug more than anything. Zell Dincht was not one to go around hugging girls he hardly knew, mostly because he was unsure about how the girl in question would react. Besides, now was not the time for such insignificant actions as hugging. “Hey, want to bunk with me?”


“I meant, uh, wanna share a tent? I won’t like, bite ya or anything. Besides, it’s better than bunking with Seifer.” He wasn’t flirting with her. In his mind, the man was just keeping his promise to watch out for the girl. She seemed to agree with him.

“Uh, Sure!” The gear she carried was dropped to the ground by the tent, except for her crossbow. “When do we start?”

A huge grin spread across Zell’s face.

“We’ve already started, YoYo. As soon as we leave, we’re probably gonna get attacked by an Imp or something. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. Just make sure your GFs are equipped!”

“Done!” Guardian forces were the one thing Yolei was sure about. She always had them equipped, and spent quite a bit of time engaging in conversation with the spirits. They were always talking, especially after battle. Only one thing about them really bothered her, and that was the fact that they were just…there.

Noone had given them to her, except for Ifrit, and she had fought long and hard for control of the Fire monster. In truth, her Guardian Forces seemed to have been born with her, or just recently in some cases.

It wasn’t natural, and she knew it, choosing to keep her mouth shut for that reason alone.

“Okay then!” Zell bounced, throwing a couple of air punches. Of course, Yolei thought that this was plain cute, and almost giggled. “Let’s go!”

With a wave, he took off, going in the opposite direction of the cruel Elnoyle. The girl had no intention of getting eaten, and therefore had no choice but to follow him. In the process of catching up, she realized something. Zell Dincht was one hell of a fast runner, and it was no wonder that his legs were so muscular. Not that Yolei had looked. Well, not very much, anyway…

The only time that she had ever looked was right when they had first met, and she didn’t really have a say in the matter. He had been wearing shorts, and was kneeling when he checked to see if she was all right. How could she NOT have noticed? It wasn’t like she was hitting on him by quietly noticing his legs, so the thought slipped from her mind.

Zell was right. Roughly a minute after the little journey began, the deafening roar of a Torama made Yolei jump. The cat leapt, and knocked the girl down with its massives paws. Stifling a moan of pain, she pulled out her trusty crossbow and started firing at the beast. It screamed, and lunged forward again, claws scratching her cheek. Seconds later, she felt what seemed to be a cool breeze blowing over her, and immediately felt some of the sting fade away. Right off, she knew that Zell had given her a cure spell. He wasn’t exactly being inactive. Between curing, he was making fast work of beating the Torama senseless. It roared weakly, and kneeled down. Zell knew from experience that Toramas, like most other monsters, tended to save their most aggressive attacks for the very end of the battle.

    "YoYo! Look out!" The cat opened its mouth, and some sort of fire magick slipped from its lips. She dove to the side, barely missing being burned. It was unusual. Toramas certainly weren't fire elemental. Zell knew that for a fact. Some sort of mutation must have occured in the two years since the Cry, but no mutation could possibly change a creature's element. That didn't change the fact that the air still smelled of smoke, and certainly didn't make the battle any easier. Suddenly, the air turned chilly, and an unmistakable blast of ice magick struck the Torama. That was no mere blizzard spell, he realized, and respect bordering on admiration for the girl welled up inside him. But Zell Dincht admired noone, regardless of how attractive, female, and skilled with magick the person was. The poor boy's heart had already been crushed once before, and he had no intention of going through ~that~ again, regardless of how tempting the idea of love was. 

No. Never. He couldn’t waste his time thinking about this, especially in the middle of a rather difficult battle.

    The Torama fell then, letting out a strangled cry as it hit the ground. The battle had been won. When Zell finally got up the courage to look Yolei in the eye, his face reflected absolute shock and amazement.

“What the hell did you DO?” Yolei blushed, and tried to stammer out an apology. “Er, oops. I meant, how did you do that? Whoa! When I took my SeeD test, I didn’t even have a Blizzard spell!”

“I…um, have an Ice element. Is that…wrong?”

“Nah. Don’t worry about it. I think it’s cool!”

“So…The element thing…?” She was confused. He saw that, and was determined not to confuse her any more.

“Like I said, don’t worry about it. I have an element too, see?” He pointed a finger and grinned as a spark flew from his fingertip to the ground. “Lightning. Cool, huh?” She nodded, smiling from both relief and amusement, and got up, making sure her crossbow was secured on her arm. In a split second, they moved on. A series of long, grueling battles followed as the pair travelled into the heart of Esthar. Little did they know that the roughest battle was yet to come.

    An ordinary battle with an ordinary Elnoyle was what Zell had in mind when they approached the creature. When he saw the Elnoyle that they were supposed to fight, he almost fainted. 

    This was no ordinary Elnoyle! It had blood red eyes, was nearly twice the size it should have been, and had dark green veinlike patterns on its body. What Zell and Yolei noticed first, however, were its fangs. Like freshly sharpened daggers, they shone in the late afternoon sunlight, showing the blood of whatever poor creature it had chosen for its last meal. Judging by the clutch of monster eggshells nearby, it was the mother and cause of all the mutation, and therefore had to be stopped. 

    After it devoured several arrows and dodged dozens of Zell's best punches, it was clear that physical attacks were pretty much useless. Zell solved this problem by summoning Quezacotl, the legendary Thunder bird that Yolei had only heard of, and never seen. The bird flapped its wings, sending jolts of lightning into the Elnoyle's body. Damage had finally been done to the creature, judging by the roars of pain echoing through the air. It roared again, and decided to vent its rage on Yolei. Before she had a chance to escape, Freak Elnoyle was closing his fangs on her knee. Its claws struck her across the face, and Zell, who was in the middle of a limit break, stepped back in shock. Little did he know that in the process of being bitten, the girl's crossbow had gotten unstrapped from her arm, and was now right behind the boy's feet. When he stepped back, he consequentially stepped on the weapon, creating a loud crunch. Yolei looked up, her face pale and her eyes violently glaring at Zell.

“YOU FU-Uugh…” Whatever she was calling him was forgotten as the creature swiped at her again, not clawing her but knocking her to the ground.

“A…An…Angelina…” Her voice was horribly weak, but the Guardian Force heard its mistress’s voice. Holy white light flooded the area, and Zell felt all pain fade from his body. What looked like a legendary angel appeared, with long hair the colour of the sun, and vast wings. If he had been thinking clearly, Zell would have seen a slight resemblance between Angelina and Yolei. As it was, he was too preoccupied with watching the Elnoyle being slaughtered.

The last thing Yolei saw before she blacked out was Zell’s sneakers.

(Will post part 4 when I get home from school x.x Sneaking on now ^^’’ )

Hmm…Here’s part 4.
Lemme kno what y’all think, k?

A while later, when Yolei finally opened her eyes, she had no idea where she was. All she was aware of was the throbbing pain in her leg, and a feeling that something was wrong. A voice brought her mind back into focus.
Zell. His foot. Her crossbow. Anger flooded her mind, and she did the first thing she could think of. She reached over and slapped him. Zell flinched, and blinked at her.
“Oh, so you’re finally awake.”
“Shut up! Weapon breaking moron!”
“What!? If it’s about your crossbow, I fixed it, and I’m sorry, okay?” He handed her the weapon, and gave a cute, apologetic smile, but she was stil visibly annoyed. “…It doesn’t matter now anyway.”
“What DOES matter? Huh?”
“Your leg, for one.”
“It’s Fine! It’s just a little scrape!” She tried moving her leg, and winced. “…Shit…”
If Yolei was “fine”, Zell was a giant turkey. He wasn’t gobbling and sprouting feathers, either.
“You’re comin’ with me.”
“No I’m not!” She crossed her arms, and pouted in protest.
“Yes you are!!!”
“I’m fine! Listen, you doof!” Yolei’s protests went unnoticed by Zell. He immediately picked her up, slung her over his shoulder, and hauled her off to the Medical Tent. Once there, he plopped her on the cot, and began examining her leg. No matter what she said, no matter how much she protested, any leg with a gash that big was in desperate need of medical attention. He told her this, and was promptly glared at.
“Well, it’s true!”
“Prove it!”
“Fine then!” He lifted her leg up, careful not to glance down her skirt, and showed her the “little scrape”. She paled to the point that she started to turn green, then stopped struggling. “See!? I may be blond, but I’m NOT stupid!” To this Yolei could not comment out of fear that she would get sick. Blood was certainly not one of her favorite things to look at, especially not coming out of an injurt like that one.
“…Okay…Do whatever you have to…” She gave a sigh of resignation, and pulled her boot off. “God, this is gross…” She made a face.
“Good. Next time, be more careful, okay?”
“…Speak for yourself! You’re the klutz who stepped on my weapon!” Zell mimicked the last three words, and was slapped again. “Smart ass!”
“Predictable bitch…” Zell muttered as he rubbed his cheek.
“Thank you!”
He didn’t mean that as a compliment and she knew it. The throbbing pain in his cheek currently disabled most of his logical thinking, so he just shut his mouth and concentrated on dressing her wound. Yolei merely sat there pouting. She was thinking, but wouldn’t reveal her thoughts for all the snow in Trabia. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, her crush was blossoming into an obsession. She would never admit it publicly, but part of her didn’t mind.The only thing she DID mind was the crossbow incident, but, like Zell said, that didn’t really matter. She was worried that she had ruined a good opportunity for a relationship over a weapon.
By the time Zell was halfway done with her leg, his thoughts were just about as jumbled as Yolei’s were. He was now willing to admit to himself that yes, the girl was attractive, but would NEVER say it out loud. In this case, that was a problem, considering that they were acting like worst enemies. Zell suddenly wanted to change this, but how could he possibly have predicted what she was going to say next?
“Umm…Sorry for yelling. And for slapping you.” Sincere apology was reflected in her voice and her eyes. It was at that moment that he realized how pretty those eyes were.
“Ah, it’s allright. I um, did kinda deserve it.”
“No you didn’t.” He might have misheard, but he thought he heard a slight note of soft affection in her voice. Just in case he didn’t mishear, he didn’t, and couldn’t, respond.
He didn’t have to. As he wrapped the bandage around her leg, the girl tried to start a casual conversation.
“So, um, Zell…How long have you been in SeeD?”
“Couple years now. I joined when I was 17. I gotta admit,this test is a LOT harder than mine was.”
Strangely, she found this fascinating.
“Really? No Elnoyles, huh?”
“Nope. But there -was- an Elvoret! And a huge crab monster. Wait, that was worse. Sorry.”
“It’s okay…” Her voice trailed off, and she struggled to end an awkward moment. “Almost done?”
“Yeah. Definately done, in fact.” He patted her leg, and she winced. “Sorry…Again.”
“It’s alright.” She pulled herself back up. “Thanks.” The smallest trace of a blush could be seen on cher cheek, but he wasn’t really looking. He glanced at her face, caught himself, flushed a little, and turned his eyes to her shoulder. “You’re…um…welcome.”
“Hey Zell?”
“I was um, going to ask you, what kind of girls you like. I mean, uh, specifics.”
Hesitantly, and still looking at something on the wall, Zell started to speak.
“W…Well, for starters, she has to be smart. I mean, speaks her mind and all that.” Every word he said made Yolei blush more.
“A…anything else…?”
“She um, has to be pretty. Well, all girls are pretty, but I mean in a unique way.” Poor Zell gulped nervously before going on. “like, I dunno. There’s gotta be somethin’ about her, like the way she does her hair…” His hand lifted to the odd curl of her bangs, and twirled it gently. Her eyes went huge, and her blush deepened. “Aa, Sorry.” He tried moving his hand, but it seemed to be controlled by his rebelling heart. Yolei tried not to notice what was going on.
“I…it’s okay…A…anything else?” The hand slipped down to her cheek, and both blushes deepened. Zell was now convinced his heart was leading a mutiny against him, but couldn’t really stop it. He leaned closer to her, close enough to hear her heart pounding like a bass drum on the rampage. Or maybe he was hearing his own heart, pounding affectionately for the first time since the Library girl had rejected him, smashing his heart into pieces. But this time was different. His mind knew that, but his heart wanted to know how.
“…Initials. She’s gotta have cute initials. And…”
“…And she’s gotta be sittin’ right in front of me…” A gasp. By now they were close enough for Zell to smell the sweetness of her breath, but he couldn’t pull away.
“Zell…I…think I’m falling for you…”
“That’s good, YoYo…I already have.” He smiled softly at her for a moment, then kissed her. At that precise moment, his heart knew the answer.
Because she feels the same way…

That’s pretty much all I have done now.
Part 5’s so under construction that it isn’t even funny…

Anyone have any comments about it so far?

It’s quite well written, although the rapidity of the relationship development is a little questionable. I don’t know the game very well though, so I wouldn’t know whether that’s in character for Zell. The nickname is a bit much on the cutesy side, and the end of that last bit is a little… sappy… in my opinion.

Don’t be put off by a lack of comments; you have good writing skills, but newer writers seem to be a bit more ignored on this board if they’re not horrible.

It is rather nice, but as Demigod said it goes a little too fast. Though your other character is rather clumsy and such she’s not really on the risk of being a Mary Sue (perfect author avatar in the story), but moving a romance plot too quickly forwards heightens the risk again. Don’t be discouraged though! :slight_smile:

Hm…That gives me some ideas o.o
Don’t worry, it’s not moving as fast as it seems to be. Ack! :eek: Better not give too much away right now o.o;;
I’ll just say that there’s a LOT of arguing/squabbling later on. Well, there’s prolly going to be. When I get around to writing it…
Anyway, thx for the comments/suggestions/etc.
(If I seem to be inactive, don’t worry, I absolutely suck at remembering about forums… >.< Baka me…)

Hey, I know you! waves It’s me…er…yeah Kris… at least I hope it’s you, if not ignore me. But how many ‘marsbars’ can there be? ponders Anyway, I’m glad to see you are still writing and honestly your work is improving over time I understand their concerns about the relationship, but I have faith that you’ll explain it a little more. And ‘squabbling’ is my favorite pasttime in fanfic…honestly. Look Mog -> :moogle:

Keep me away from the coffee.

eh? o.o
…Kris? Kris who?

…Kris? Kris who?

Um…never mind…you don’t want to know me anyway. :slight_smile: Sorry, strangely enough I have a friend at who goes by marsbar, or did. Her e-mail addy was marsbar27 which was really close and why I thought it was you… I got the marsbar and the ‘7’ right, that is close for me! hides in embarrassment yet again

Oh come on Ashbear, it’s human to make mistakes :slight_smile:

true, true. :runaway: <-- look, Froggy!
Also true: Simple things amuse simple minds o.o