Chronicles of the fangirl-hunters - FF7 humor/parody

Once again I’m taking a swing at the fangirl badfic-authors out there.

Concrit is very welcome.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 7 and all its characters belong to SquareEnix. No profit is being made from this story.

Warning: This story will contain OOCness, slash, Mary Sues and Gary Stues, angst and wangst, plotholes, illogical crossovers, pointless cameos, bad language, purple prose and a few random in-text AN’s.

Chronicles of the fangirl hunters.
Day 1, the gathering.

Chapter warnings: Some OOCness, slash hints, bad language, plotholes.


I have always thought that it’s a strange world we live in. Hell, this is the kind of place where an insane general tries to cause Armageddon by crashing a meteor into our heads. But we dealt with that. Well, perhaps not your truly, but we are still alive.
However, lately weird things has begun to happen again. Split personalities seems to becoming an everyday thing. So is people coming back from the dead.
While we’re on the subject of split personalities, well… I’m afraid that I have fallen victim to that myself. One day, I’m about the nicest guy you’d ever meet, the next I’m a raping bastard. Or a weepy fag. I have so many tragic childhood memories, but none of ‘em are real.
The worse is still to come though. Earlier today, I had the misfortune of running into two men. One of them fought against me some years ago, during that whole meteor thing, and like me he’s an ex-turk. With the difference that he went MIA some thirty years back.
The other guy… well, I never thought I’d see him again, I hoped I wouldn’t. Now, I know I mentioned people coming back from the dead. I also mentioned a certain crazed general. Yep, you guessed it, it was Sephiroth himself, with the vampire wannabe Vincent Valentine in tow. I should have tried harder to stop them when they invited themselves into my apartment, but you know… Sephiroth still has that big-ass sword of his.
These people has been hit very hard by the split personality-thing, but at least they have some theories about what’s going on. Sephiroth told me that a month earlier, he had woken up in the crater, accompanied by this young girl. He said that he was overcome by loving feelings for her, but suddenly snapped out of it. I had to drag this next part out off him, but it seems that he whole thing ended with his chopping her head off. He really has his way with the ladies, don’t he.
After this, he said that he left the crater and went wandering. Eventually, he ended up with Valentine. How I don’t know, they both refuse to talk about it.
Back to their theories; they say that all these strange things are caused by a weird kind of magic, somewhat similar to the manipulation ability. Ok, I guess I can buy that. Then they started to talk about voices in the wind. Vincent tried to imitate it, and I swear it was the funniest god damned thing I’ve ever heard. Stoic ol’ Vince clasped his hands together and squealed something about how hot Sephiroth and Cloud looked together. I really thought that Sephiroth was going to kill him.
After I had wiped away my tears of laughter, I had to agree that some of their ideas make sense. I too have heard voices when there’s no one around, or when I’m acting strange. Especially when I’m about to sleep with someone I’ve just met. I don’t know why I always do that…
Oh God…
A suppressed memory just surfaced.
How the hell could I have ever thought that sleeping with Cloud Strife was I good idea?


Blessed Holy, how did my life end up like this. I thought that after meteor, everything would be fine. We were called ‘Heroes of the planet’ and no one from AVALANCHE would ever have to worry about money ever again. Me, well, for the first time in my life, I have real friends. Chaos and the other demons have even stopped bothering me as much as they used to.
But now I sit here in a very messy apartment in Costa del Sol, listening to the sadistic laughter of Reno of the Turks. I swear that if he doesn’t stop cackling soon, I will rip his throat out! Or bite it perhaps. Nibble lightly, let my tongue run over that smooth skin…
Oh no! Holy, save me! Not again!
We have to put a stop to this evil magic! It makes us all do horrible things.
Sephiroth is staring at me. I’m afraid he might have noticed that. Dear lord…
I guess it is time for me to tell you how I ended up here. Normally, I live in Rocket Town. Next door neighbor to Cid and Shera actually. However, for some strange reason, I often find myself in the ShinRa mansion in Nibelheim. This time, I woke up in my old coffin in the basement, with Sephiroth staring down at me. This caused me to turn into Chaos. When I came to again, he was laying in a bloody heap on the floor. Normally, I would have left him there, or put a bullet between his eyes just to make sure he was dead, but this time… I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. Well, one thing led to another, and… this is hard for me to confess… I think you can guess what happened, and I really don’t feel like giving you any details.
Now, during our… activities… I heard a voice. It sounded female and young and as if it was talking to someone about Sephiroth and myself. Or rather; squealed. I would hate to call that sound talking.
Afterwards, when we had come to our senses and stopped trying to beat each other into a bloody pulp, Sephiroth revealed that he had heard the voice as well. After some discussion, we came to the conclusion that we had been manipulated somehow. What scares me is that it wasn’t the first time for either of us. I guess it does explain how I constantly end up in Nibelheim, having sex with either Tifa or Cloud…
As to why I decided to follow him, well, I can’t say for sure why. But it seemed like we were on to something about that voice. I became even clearer as we traveled. Every now and then, one of us would fall under the spell, as we like to call it. Since we knew about the voice, we grew very attentive of it. What we concluded was, as crazy as it way sound, that some people take some kind of sadistic pleasure changing us and our world as they see fit. For what purpose we don’t know, but they has to be stopped.


It could be worse, I try to find some comfort in that. In comparison to a blond hedgehog that succeeded in killing me, or perhaps the first leader of AVALANCHE, two former turks isn’t that bad. After hearing mine and Valentines theories, it seems that Reno has decided to join us as well. He says that he has suffered his share of manipulation himself.
Then the question is: where do we go from here? My suggestion to investigate the ruins of Midgar has been rejected. I even tried pulling rank to get my way, but Reno in particular just laughed at me. Turks. They have no respect for their superiors.
Valentine just came up with the idea to cross over to Junon. I don’t know what he expects to find there. Reno agrees with him, just for the nightlife in Junon I suppose. But since the two of them have decided to impose democracy on our little trio, I guess we’re going to Junon.

Day 2 – Crossing the ocean

Chapter warnings: Purple prose, profanities, nuclear OOCness, slash (nothing too explicit)


How come they refuse to listen to me? Can’t they see the risk they are putting us in?
Right now, we are on our way over the ocean towards Junon. My idea, I know. But it sure as hell wasn’t my idea that we would go on a luxurious cruiser to get there! I opted that we would hitch a ride with a cargo ship, but Reno just called me a cheapskate and proceeded to get us tickets.
I have noticed one thing about the spell, and that is that it reacts to situations. Like when I saw Sephiroth on the ground bleeding, and felt guilty. Or like when we’re sitting by the same campfire. The reason I wanted us to go with the cargo ship was that it would be, well, less romantic. I fear that before we arrive in Junon, at least two of us will have had sex, and possibly killed each other. Holy, save us all.


I really don’t know what’s up with Vince. It’s like he’s been walking on eggshells ever since we came on board. I also don’t get why he wanted us to go on that cargo ship.
Sephiroth, well… He’s kinda indifferent at the moment. I think he’s pissed that he was voted down concerning our destination. Can you believe that he tried to pull rank? Hell, I couldn’t help but to laugh at him. It would have been different if it had been during the old days at ShinRa. But then again, I was fresh out off the academy when he died, or what the hell ever happened.
And pulling rank on Vince? He’s technically older than any of us for crying out loud. I have a feeling that he won’t take order from anyone, especially not someone that he went on a quest around the world to kill. He did try to kill me on a few occasions as well, but at least he didn’t hunt after me. But you know…. I don’t think I would mind having Vinnie chasing after me. He’s so mysterious, dark and brooding. I would just love to see what’s under that heavy cloak of his. I would unwrap his bandana and run my fingers through his hair. I would unbutton his shirt ever so slowly, and…
Oh dear. I think I need to find Sephiroth.


I have always loved the ocean. I stand here at the railing and watch the setting sun playing over the waves. The sky is colored a crimson red. It reminds me of his hair. It is the same vibrant and living color. And the ocean. The same color as his eyes. I could drown in the deep, dark water, just like I could drown in the depth of his eyes.
Here he comes now. Asking me if I have seen Vincent. That name alone is enough to awaken a desire to kill within me. He is always after my love, putting his dirty hands on him. What? My love asks me to hide him away from Vincent. Why, what has he done? Has he hurt my angel? I will kill him, but first I need to comfort my love. It will be alright, I won’t allow anything to hurt him every again.
He seems surprised when I wrap him in my arms and kiss him deeply, letting all the passion that is within me surge up. For a moment he struggles. Silly angel, thinking that you’re not worthy of me. Can’t you see, my love, that I am the one that is not worthy? Ah, he relaxes against me now. His soft hands tangle themselves in my hair, as if he is afraid that I would let go. Never, my love. I will never let go.
I am sure that he feels the smile on my lips in out shared kiss, as I lift him up in my arms to carry him down to my quarters.


So I’m laying in bed now. Trying to sleep. Sadly, that’s not an option with the loud moans that is coming from Sephiroths cabin.
I knew it! I bloody knew it!

A/N: That hurt.


Filthy, you absolutely rock. :mwahaha:

Man, that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, EVER!

Well… At least the pain from the Sue-ness is hidden behind the laughter from teh funnay! :smiley:

Thanks everyone. I aim to please.

…and here’s chapter three. Somewhat tame chapter, but have fun. Chapter four will follow shortly.

Chronicles of the fangirl-hunters
Day 3 – Arriving in Junon

Chapter warnings: Illogical crossover, in-text A/N, some OOCness, and very mild slash-hints.


Let me give you all a piece of advice, folks: use lube! I can hardly even walk today.
Can you imagine the horror when your so called traveling companion suddenly turns around and starts to kiss you? The few seconds of pure terror when you feel that you’re giving in? If you can’t, well good for you. I sure as hell can’t even begin to describe it. At least I can take some comfort in that at least the bastard is sporting a black eye this morning. Yep, managed to get a good punch in. I’m sure he would have decapitated me, but fortunately Vincent choose that moment to barge into the cabin. I would have kissed him, but considering the situation we’re in, I don’t think that would have been such a great idea.
So now we’re in Junon. Don’t know what we’re supposed to do here, but we’ll figure something out.
Wait a minute, what the hell was that? Some short and chubby blond guy just ran past us, screaming something about a “Ban-chan” and “Akabane is scary”. [[A/N: OMG!!!11! Ginji is sooo kawaii and Akabane is just teh HOTT!!!111!!eleventyone!!!]]] And there we have the voice again. Thankfully it doesn’t seem to concern us this time.
Hold on… That’s a first. The only time I’ve ever heard the voice is when it’s been about me. I have to talk to the others about this.


This is indeed unusual. We all heard that voice, even though it doesn’t concern us at all. Instead, it seems to have something to do with that little blond man that just ran past us. So the question is: why did we hear it? It also mentioned two persons. I am assuming that one of them is that little man. Akabane or Ginji. But since he himself mentioned Akabane, he has to be the later. So then I just wonder… who is Akabane? Ginji, if that is his name, seemed terrified of him.
Perhaps you are wondering why I am giving this so much thought. Well, the simple reason is that I do not thing that anything concerning the voice is coincidental. There has to be a reason why we heard it this time.
Now, Ginji did mention someone or something else. “Ban-chan”. Perhaps this is another piece of the puzzle. I think it is, so now we just have to hut down these three pieces.


We have just had a little meeting out here on the street. Sephiroth thinks that we should hunt down that blond man, and I agree with him. Reno, on the other hand, does not. Probably just because it was Sephiroth who said it. They haven’t quite gotten along since last nights incident. Perhaps this will teach them to listen to me.
Anyway, we agreed on a compromise; we track down that man and then go to a bar to talk to him. Reno agreed just because of the possibility of alcohol I imagine.
So then I guess we’d better move. That blond fellow already had quite a good head start.


Ah, finally! Right now, I’m sitting in the bar at our in downtown Junon with a beer in one hand and a smoke in the other. Oh, and that blond dude, Ginji, is sitting in front of me.
We had a bit of trouble finding him. We were looking for a midget more or less, but suddenly the guy is taller than I am. He’s just about up there with Sephiroth. I don’t get it. He shifts shape every now and then.
So here’s how we eventually found him. We had searched just about all over town when this guy dressed in a black suit and coat came up to us. He had the creepiest smile I have ever seen and asked if we had seem a blond man in green shorts and a white t-shirt somewhere. The description did fit our target, but… naah, we hadn’t seen him.
After he left, we heard strange noises from a garbage-can right next to us. So yours truly lifts up the lid, and what do I find? The cutest thing EVER staring up at me. “Please sir, don’t let him find me. Help me find my Ban-chan.” That’s what he said. And who could say no to those puppy-eyes. Aww, I just wanna hold him and hug him into tiny little pieces!!!
Ahem, sorry ‘bout that.
So we still agreed to find this “Ban-chan”. Apparently, it’s his partner. He told us a little about this Akabane-fella as well. It was that guy dressed in black. He seems to be some kind of enemy to Ginji and Ban-chan.
But now our present mission is clear: find Ban-chan and help Ginji stay the hell away from Akabane.

:eek: Ahem… that was me, forgot to log Weiila out. Sorry.

Weiila: Why you! Raising my postcount like that!