Cat Wrangling 101

A little something a friend sent me that I feel is worth sharing.

Cat Wrangling 101

  1. Go over to your cat and pet him sweetly so as not to give the game away.
  2. Grab the scruff of his neck as you’ve seen people do on Nature or Animal 911.
  3. Vividly curse through clenched teeth as his back claws connect with the soft flesh under your forearm.
  4. Apply antibiotic ointment and band-aids to deep scratches. Tell everyone you were mugged if asked.
  5. Chase your cat around house.
  6. Let tufts of cat hair float to the ground as you curse in several foreign languages at almost getting him.
  7. Curse more every time your shin connects with an end table or your knee hits the ground at a jarring speed as you dive half way under the couch.
  8. Go have a cigarette and slug down half a gallon of water.
  9. Seriously consider replacing the water with Jack Daniels.
  10. Search the entire house for your cat’s new hiding place…for the next hour and a half.
  11. Find him under the guest bed in the far corner with the dust bunnies.
  12. Sooth him with empty pleasantries while his hisses at you and you imagine what his carcass would look like on a spit.
  13. Receive brain’s cunning plan to lure him with food.
  14. Say “Ah Ha!” ala Colonel Klink. Then look around to make sure no one was watching you.
  15. Open a can of Flaked Tuna Fancy Feast and set it about twelve inches from the opening under the bed.
  16. Hide behind bedroom door.
  17. Watch as your cat cautiously crawls from beneath the bed, unable to resist the call of Frutti di Mare.
  18. Let your cat begin eating the food.
  19. Don’t cackle maniacally. Even cats know that means the game is up.
  20. Swoop from behind the door, blanketing your cat in the giant towel you were concealing behind your back.
  21. Now cackle maniacally at your cat’s futile attempts to escape the fuzzy terry cloth.
  22. Look at your cat with a wide-eyed evil grin and say “Your soul is mine!” ala Shang Tsung.
  23. Don’t bother looking around. At this point it really doesn’t matter if you’re being watched.
  24. Wedge your towel covered cat in the crook of your arm and sit down on recliner.
  25. Stop laughing maniacally.
  26. Grab antibiotic pill the size of a baby button.
  27. Pinch your cat’s jaws open.
  28. Curse viciously in several languages as he bites your thumb.
  29. Tell him you know of several piano makers willing to go back to “the old ways”.
  30. Pinch your cat’s jaws open again and stuff pill down his throat.

True, but usually if the cat wants to be that difficult I just let him be. Cats aren’t that hard to replace if the treatment of a disease fails…

Or you could just break the pill up a little and hide it in her food. Tch.

Or you could be like me and put the cat in a full nelson.

Or you could just cackle maniacally through the entire process.

Only a greenhorn tries to give a cat medicine like that. :stuck_out_tongue:

Or a masochist.

It is best to have two people when doing something like that. One to hold them down, the other to shove the pill in their mouth.

You take the pill in one hand and the cat in the other…


You take the pill in one hand and in the other you take a large kitchen towel with one angry cat head poking out of the end. With your third hand you prise open the tiny jaws, insert the pill, clamp the jaws shut and, with your fourth hand, tickle the throat until a small gulping noise indicates that pill has gone down.

You wish.
The Unadulterated Cat by Terry Pratchett.


  1. Thoroughly clean toilet. before you begin

  2. Lift both lids and add some shampoo, just enough to froth the water inside.

  3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

  4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape or find any purchase for his claws on the side of the bowl.

  5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this. No, really)

  6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a power rinse, which I find quite effective.

  7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

  8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

  9. Voila! One clean cat. :slight_smile: