Auron POV poem. In the dome.

Lessness

         ...and you walk away
                  stalwart
                    driven
             rendered blind
                  lies...lives
                    forfeit
                     hope
                 your guide
                      guile
                         i                                                                                 
               see the truth
                     plead
              why, why, why
                     can't
                      you

Huh?

Be brave. Why hedge. Tell me it sucks. But at least attempt to substantiate your comment. Thanks for reading. Give me information and if you can’t then check the creative criticism thread. I know I am new here, and I hpoed for sound critiques, but Huh…that just ticks me off. I would rather be totaly blasted then see Huh.

Welcome to the board rothalion.
And I think that what Sorcerer meant was that the poem is so surrealistic; very short words raining down without any explanations. Of course, since it’s about that time Braska and Jecht went off with Yunalesca in Zanarkand and is supposed to be Auron’s thoughts (I’m guessing), they’re bound to be a bit confused.

I think that Anne Fisher said something good about this kind of poetry though; “It’s not bad, but the poets forget something important. There is nothing more to the poem to the reader but what he or she can see on the paper.” Meaning that the emotion you’re trying to convey won’t be as strong as you feel about the poem unless you add some more flesh, explanations and descriptions, to it.

Yes, sorry I understand that. I just wanted to, well say what you did; only being a bit closer to the source I ranted instead of explained. I felt like the the comment just seemed insipid rather than constuctive but I can understand the intent. Thanks. Being new here I will need to learn a bit about everyones styles.

Way too short, and it made no sense. Read others’ poems to learn how to do it much better.

Don’t worry about being new, we all are in the beginning :slight_smile:

Crumb Jacket

My soul’s been boned
from my body
like the spine of a fish
caught bled filleted

Scaled I burn at the slightest
tickle of breeze
nerves raw purply green
a soul exposed
expunged

I scream a scream so pitched
a porpise squeal
so high your conscienceless
ears can’t hear
then beg apology
with a whisper

and you, you accept
and hang my excised soul
upon your fish hook heart
roll me in crumbs
and drop me into boiling fat

I sear
mouth frozen, crumb choked
no longer do I sting
no longer do I scream…

Just a couple of things, you may want to add some punctuation so that reads a tad better. But other than that all I can tell you is to listen to Weiila, she is after all, the queen of fanfictions/fanpoetry around here.

Oh, and you don’t need to add a subject to everything post (just so ya know)

Ach no, queen of fanfiction I can accept (as proven in Gallo’s The King of Fanfiction), but my poetry skills are horribly limited ^^;;

Yeah, BUT you still know your stuff, even if your not the best. Which is what makes you the queen, after all.