A Sonnet

The Core Media Forum
1

I posted this in the poetry thread, but it seems like that’s more for displaying poetry than getting advice. I’m curious what people think of this, and how I can improve on it in the future. So, here it is:

Eye to Heart
And when will we meet, seeing eye to eye?
You tilt my head up from the rosy shade,
To watch your gaze turn to the clouds - afraid
Of what? Shall I again let it pass by?
Tell me why you look away; I will try,
With you, with leveled eye, to find what made
You start to fear. Then, exposed, it will fade.
Just look at me! Tell me it was no lie!
I still recall when we saw heart to heart,
If not eye to eye. Can eyes see at night?
Tell me, what fear is there to keep apart
Two hearts that meet at dusk? There’s no such fright.
So stay with me, through the evening, and part
Only when sleepy eyes reclaim our sight.

Xwing1056

2

That was beautiful! Sad, but very beautiful!

The only criticism I would have is here:

You tilt my head up from the rosy shade,
To watch your gaze turn to the clouds…

Maybe it would be better to say ‘I tilt my head’. It doesn’t make much sense to me for the other person to tilt the speaker’s head, only to turn away from them. Then again, maybe I’m missing something, I’ve never been that good at interpreting poetry…

This was my favourite line:

I still recall when we saw heart to heart,
If not eye to eye…

I liked how you’re emphasizing how physical differences, height in this case, don’t mean anything as long at you think and feel the same. I’m short myself, so it’s likely that whoever I wind up with will be taller than me, and we won’t be able to see ‘eye to eye’. :slight_smile:

I also liked how you’re showing the struggle that most people have to go through to establish a relationship. Getting through the ‘are we right for each other’ stage, and learning how each other think and feel.

A fairly standard rhyme scheme, but you offset that by having the lines run into each other at points, so if you wanted to keep the flow it didn’t wind up sounding like a nursery rhyme. It’s actually quite nice when read aloud!

Whoops! Reading it aloud again, I just found something else…

Tell me why you look away; I will try,
With you, with leveled eye, to find what made
You start to fear…

After ‘Tell me why you look away’, you should have a question mark instead of a semi-colon.

Very nice poem! Like I said, I’m not that great with poetry, so if I’ve misinterpreted something, feel free to disregard what I said. But I enjoyed it a lot!

3

Thanks so much for commenting. I’m glad you liked it. I’ll try to explain a little what’s going on in the poem:

So the speaker is talking to someone - I’ll pretend she’s female and call her the girl. Sometime before the poem, the speaker was in a bleak, but in a way beautiful, kind of introspective depression - the rosy shade. His state attracts the girl. When she tilts his head up, she is metaphorically trying to see closer what’s going on inside of him. Yet right when the speaker looks back at her in the same way, she looks away in a sort of anxiety - to the clouds, her own sort of introspective withdrawal. Now the speaker is trying to convince her to come out of her withdrawal - to find what made her “start to fear,” and convince her to look at him again. The eighth line shows the climax of speaker’s desperation: “Just look at me! Tell me it was no lie!” The speaker is begging her to tell him she had really meant to see him closer, that her actions weren’t lies.

The last six lines of the poem are a little harder to explain. The literal meaning is that, at night, eyes can’t see. Then it’s not a problem that she is afraid to look at him - she cannot see him and he cannot see her. They are merely aware of each other’s presence. However, metaphorically, “looking” at each other means seeing each other on the inside. So, what state is a person in when he can’t look at other people on the inside? He’s <i>withdrawn</i>. What does the phrase “at night” call to mind from earlier? The “rosy shade,” the speaker’s introspective withdrawal. The speaker is metaphorically saying, “I will go back to that state for you. Let us be withdrawn together.” Or as the poem says, “What fear is there to keep apart two hearts that meet at dusk?” and “So stay with me.” Since they’re withdrawn together, there’s no need for them to see anymore - for them to look and see each other on the inside. They’re already with each other.

I hope that made sense. Do you still like it? You definitely understood one major theme:

I also liked how you’re showing the struggle that most people have to go through to establish a relationship. Getting through the ‘are we right for each other’ stage, and learning how each other think and feel.
That’s the essence of what I was trying to say. Thanks again for commenting.

Xwing1056

4

Thanks for the explanation! I think I got most of it when I read through, but you definitely clarified some things for me! :slight_smile:

Yup, I still like the poem. Like I said before, it’s very beautiful and elegant. Keep up the good work!

5

There’s more to poems then rhymes. If you look through classical poetry you’ll find plenty of sonnets that don’t stop at the end of the line. Doing that too much creates a sing-song quality that might create a child-like innocence and happiness that detracts from the mood of the poem.

Also, the semi-colon is correct; it is a command, not a question.

As for the poem itself, I felt it was very moving. The emotion really comes across from the reading. Beautiful.

6

I know. :slight_smile: I was actually complimenting him on using the lines that overflowed to offset what otherwise would have wound up sounding like a nursery rhyme. Sorry if I wasn’t clear there!

And you’re right about the semi-colon. My bad!

7

Thanks for the compliments, and for reading. I’m really glad there are people around who enjoy poetry.

Xwing1056