How the world was really created. Found this in another Forum, translated the whole thing and modified it a little. Hope you like it ^^ (I’d have posted it in the ToB, but noo, it doesn’t exist anymore… <.<) Also, it’s a stage play. I left it like this because it’s funnier this way and not so much work to translate <.<
Cast: Satan, Odin, Allah, God
<center>* * *</center>
<i>The universe is empty. Camera zooms to four people who look like you imagine them.</i>
God: Alright boys. Let’s go on.
Odin: Yup. Is it my turn now? Give me the dice!
Satan: Indeed it is. There you go.
<i>Odin rolls the dice.</i>
Odin: Eight! Whom does the Pennsylvania railroad belong to?
-silence-
Odin: Hah! I’ll buy it then.
Allah: Wow, this is boring. You know what I’d like to do?
God: Duh, we’re gods.
Satan: I thought I wasn’t?
God: Uhmm… yeah. But we’ll let you play with us anyway.
Satan: So what would you like to play then, Allah? Jeopardy?
Allah: No. I’d like to create a planet again!
Odin: Awww come on, we just did that yesterday. Didn’t turn out well. I just
couldn’t get the hang of the poles, like god did three weeks ago.
God: Why thank you.
Allah: No, I mean a REAL world. With life on it. Not like that stupid thing over there with the huge ring.
Odin: Hey, I like it!
Satan: Hmmm, life. I like that. Let’s get started!
God: YOU shut up. We’ll do the world.
-god forms a plate-
God: Like this?
Allah: No, you idiot! They’ll fall off! How about a prism?
Odin: No! A ball!
Satan: rolls eyes a ball? Yeah. Big news. As if we didn’t have enough of those.
Allah: We already have…
456,843,565,436,576…456,843,565,436,577…456,843,565,436,578 of them.
Odin: So? Then we have 456,843,565,436,578 of them! One more or less…
God: Fine. forms a ball Better?
Satan: Dumb color. Purple. Blue would be better.
Allah: I want brown!
Satan: Blue!
Allah: Brown!
Satan: Blue!
Allah: Brown!
Satan: Blue!
Allah: Brown!
Satan: Blue!
Allah: Brown!
Odin: Uhhh… green?
Allah, Satan: SILENCE!
God: Fine. Blue, brown and green. paints
Satan: Hmm. Doesn’t look bad.
Allah: The whole idea with water and land isn’t bad… just spread it a little more.
spreads land
Odin: I liked the original cotinent! stuffs everything back together
Allah: Stop that! I want more continents!
-Allah hits the continent-
Satan: Now look what you’ve done! There are crumbs everywhere!
God: Let’s call it Indonesia.
Satan, Allah, Odin: @_@?
God: shrug I dunno. Just went through my mind.
Odin: Okay. Everyone takes one continent. God, you’ll do the poles. You’re good at
it.
-everyone forms like crazy. Satan has a few problems.-
Satan: This isn’t working! I still have too much left!
Odin: Meh. Just throw it on the water and call it Australia…
Satan: Good. Hey God, what’s that big pile over there?
God: Oh, that’s just where I left my mud… I think I’ll leave it like this and call it
Himalaya. How does that sound?
Odin: Acceptable. Hey, how do my deserts look?
Allah: Well, not as good as my lakes, but they’ll do. What about life forms now?
Can we start?
Satan: Sure. I’ve got a sketch here…
-Satan brings a three billion km long piece of paper-
God: Hmmm. They’re sadistic, mean, vicious, greedy, selfish, love to kill and in one
word, simply evil.
Satan: I call them “humans”.
Odin: “Humans”… weird, weird…
Satan: Remember the Andruxinan planet we made a few months ago? In
Andruxinan “human” means as much as “sadistic, mean, vicious, greedy, selfish,
love to kill and in one word, simply evil”. I think it’s a perfect description.
God: They look pretty crappy.
Satan: Hey, it’s just a sketch. We could make them look like …god for example!
Gott: What? They are sadistic, mean, vicious, greedy, selfish, love to kill and in one
word, simply evil and look like me? Thank you. That was just nice. sulks.
Odin: Aww come on… we need a role model here…
God: Fine. But only because I look better than all of you!
Allah: cough Yeah right…
-God creates a human and places him in front of everyone.-
-The human being grabd his throat, gargles and seems to implode.-
Satan: What? Oh shit, humans can’t survive in a vacuum…
Allah: Hah! So much for organization, huh?
Satan: Alright, listen you dirty little—
Odin: Hey, stop that! God, quickly, create the atmosphere before everyone kicks
the bucket!
-God creates.-
God: Finally. But now we’ll place him!
- God places.-
-Human stands.-
Human: !?!?
Allah: Okay. Now we’ll talk to him. Who wants to go first?
Odin: ME! ME!!
Satan: Hey, this is my sketch, so I’ll talk to him!
-Human looks confused, there’s nothing else on earth.-
Satan: Hey!
Human: GAAH!
-Human jumps aside and dies while still flying on a heart attack.-
God: Great. Humans are sadistic, mean, vicious, greedy, selfish, love to kill and in
one word, simply evil, look like me and are total wusses.
Satan: Stop picking on me. Not my fault I’m not a god. No reason to be mean…
Allah: I’ll make him stand up again. puts human on his feet
-Human falls down-
-Silence-
Allah: Well he could at LEAST show some enthusiasm!
Odin: Maybe we should place the other crap first.
Satan: Which crap?
Odin: Like, grass, trees, some critters…
God: Why should we do that?
Odin: So the human has a nice home, of course.
Allah: Right. See, on that yellow planet over there we only have ice and one life
form, you know Odin, the thing you called “Herbert”…
Odin: Yeah, I remember. Herbert has been sliding over the surface for three years
straight now. Hard life.
God: Let’s create a few plants and animals.
-God creates trees, grass, potatoes, egg plants, pigs, horses, chameleons and an
ocelot called Harald.-
-Satan creates crocodiles, pit bulls, sharks and lions.-
Satan: Well, we need a little action here, don’t we?
Allah: I’ll awake the human again. He’ll be surprised!
-Allah grabs the human and throws him into a lake. The human sneezes and
gasps.-
Odin: Great. As soon as he awoke he got mankind’s first flu.
Eric Clapton: Hey guys, just stopped by to say hello. How’s it going? Oh, you
created a human? hmmm… might visit him some time then. Later. I’ll go have a
coffee with Ozzy now… see you soon!
Satan: Bye!
Allah: Aww, he’s such a nice guy.
God: Who the hell is this Ozzy anyway?
Satan: Oh, he’s from the other corner of the universe… I love that guy.
God: Interesting. So, what will this new human be called now?
Satan: Balrogg.
Odin: Sven.
Allah: Achmed.
God: How about Adam?
Satan: …Adam!?
Odin: Don’t tell me it’s another one of your divine enlightenments…
God: as a matter of fact, it is. “Adam” means as much as “I was the first human on
this pitiful earth, and don’t you dare denying that”! And besides, A is the first letter
in the alphabet. And my boxers have an ‘A’ on them too. They look kinda cool.
Odin: Okay then. Hey, human! Your name will be Adam from now on!
-Human swoons.-
Allah: This guy is getting on my nerves.
God: Maybe we shouldn’t have removed his trunk…
-Human stands up and seems completely insane.-
Satan: Great. Just great. Just how did you manage to do that?
Allah: Err whoops, sorry… wasn’t my intention…
God: Get him OFF me!
-Allah removes the human-
Odin: Nah, I’ll keep him for later use. You never know. As a singer maybe? How’s
‘Jackson’ for a name?
Allah: Now what?
God: I’ll try again and make another one. No, two this time!
Odin: Two? Why two?
God: Well, company…chess… boxing… all that, you know.
Satan: Create them completely different from each other! It’ll be so cool!
-God creates man and woman-
God: Like this?
Allah: Yeah, tha’s good. But I don’t like that one. We should wrap her up in some
curtains or veils…
God: Let’s leave them alone for now. Maybe they’ll duplicate!
Satan: Hey, that would interest me.
Odin: Idiot. How about we play Trivial Pursuit now?
Satan: Hey, wait a moment!
God: Naah, that’s stupid because gods know everything anyway…
Satan: Hello?
Allah: How about checkers?
Satan: Listen to me! How did Odin just call me?
God: He called you an idiot. I want to play poker!
Satan: You bitch!
Odin: Excuse me?
Allah: He said ‘You bitch’.
-Odin hits Satan-.
Satan: OW!
God: Oh stop it you two.
Satan: You stay out of it, you pseudo- theos!
God: what did you just call me?
-God jumps into the brawl-
Allah: No! Let them kick each others butts if they have to…
-Allah tries to separate them and gets hit. He joins the fight-
<i>After threehundred thousand years everyone sits in a small corner he just
created.</i>
God: I’ll tell you one thing: I’ll be the only one those -he counts- two million people
down there will believe in!
Satan: Oh yeah? I’ll beat you anytime!
Odin: Him maybe, but all of you will never reach ME!
Allah: I will have most followers!
Satan: As a carter maybe. Just wait until Aleister Crowley will be born! Then I’ll
have my messiah!
God: I’ll do that too!
Allah: And me too. Mine will be called… Osama Bin Laden! Finally a name with
style!
Odin: And I… I’ll go all by myself!
-All of them disappear to develop strategies-
-Ozzy Osbourne and Eric Clapton pass the earth-
Eric: Jeez, look at this piece of junk. It’s a complete chaos.
Ozzy: Really now. Those four will never learn.
Eric: Hey, is it me or do we have some religious wars on this earth?
Ozzy: A dumb world. But somehow…
Eric: Yeah, somehow…
Ozzy: Actually, we could…
Eric: Just for a short while.
Ozzy: Maybe about seventy or eighty years…
Eric: Let’s go. Do you want to play the guitar or should I?
Reminds me of a crackpot story I used to tell people, involving God, Allah, Shiva, and Ra, all in one huge game of Hearts.