A little compare/contrast and criticism please

This is regarding the script for Dragonball Z: Assault of the Saiyans, which some of you may or may not know that I am in process of revamping the current patch. The most important feature will be an entirely rewritten script, since Pierson doesn’t really have the time (don’t blame him either, I wouldn’t want to rewrite this mess on top of college work), I need another script editor. What follows is the original text:

One peacful day 5 years after the <end line>
battle with Piccolo…<end line>
<end line>
An mysterious object falls to Earth!
<end string>

?“It seems as though the earthlings are still alive…<end line>
that fool, Kakarotto”
<end string>

?“Hunh? That’s a high BP readout…<end line>
Range 4880…”<end string>
?“Could it be him?”
<end string>

Piccolo¡Ö!! What the…! Where is this power<end line>
coming from? It can’t be…<end line>
Son… Son Goku!?
<end string>

Ok, next is my take on it (I let Cro take a crack at it and he should be posting his take on it shortly after mine):

One peaceful day following the 5<line>
years of tranquility that ensued<line>
following the defeat of Piccolo…<line>
A mysterious object plumets to<line>
Earth from the heavens!

?[The Earthlings still have air<line>
in their worthless lungs!<line>
Kakarot, why haven’t you taken<line>
care of these insects?!]

?[Huh? That’s an extremely<line>
high BP readout for this<line>
mudball of a planet.<line>
It couldn’t be…]

Piccolo[What the hell?!<line>
This power…<line>
Son Goku?!<line>
It can’t be!]

So, decide what you like, what you don’t like, why, and os on. I promise I won’t throw a fit if you pick mine apart like some people do. :stuck_out_tongue:

EDIT: ugh, stupid html, all the line breaks and string termination control codes got axed… well, they don’t matter that much anyway.

My take:

On a peaceful morning<line>
following the 5 years of<line>
peace since the almighty<line>
Piccolo was defeated by<line>
the young and vigorous<line>
warrior known as Goku…<line>
A strange and mysterious<line>
space pod penetrates<line>
the Earth’s atmosphere<line>
and makes a firm impact!

?[It seems as though all<line>
these Earthlings still<line>
have blood coursing<line>
through their pathetic<line>
bodies. Kakarot why<line>
haven’t you obliterated<line>
these worms yet?!]

?[What’s this? A high BP<line>
readout… distance 4800]<string>
?[Could it be Kakarot?]

Piccolo[Huh?! What’s this<line>
enormous power coming<line>
from? Could it be…<line>

?[Bah… you‘re not the<line>
one I‘m looking for.]<line>
Piccolo[Who the hell<line>
are you!? What do you<line>
want from me?!]<line>
?[I want nothing from&lt;line&gt; your sorry ass.]
<end string>

I’m willing to help out too ^^ Just send the original script and which parts you want me to re-write.

5 years after the battle with Piccolo…
The world is at peace again…
Travelling at extreme speeds, a fiery object penetrates the earth’s atmosphere… and crashes into a desert, causing a huge crater…
A strange looking craft in the form of a ball appears out of the swirling dust at the bottom of the crater…

[What’s this? There’s still a lot of lifeforce left on this planet… ]
[Kakarot, what are you thinking…why haven’t you obliterated this planet…]

[Hmm, a high BP reading… distance…4800.]
[Could it be Kakarot? Let’s take a look…]

[What the… this enormous power coming towards me…]
[Is this Son Goku? It can’t be!]

[Bah… this isn’t Kakarot… a Namek warrior here?]
[Who are you! What do you want with me!]
??? (ignores Piccolo)
[I sense another power approaching…could this be Kakarot…]